Part 1 (2/2)

'Have you come to stop me?

'I dont have to, he said, calmly. He lowered his head and began to examine the contents of my bookcase.

'Why dont you have to stop me? You cant, you know. Im going to do this.

He turned back from the bookcase. 'No, youre not.

'You cant stop me, I said, trying not to sound petulant.

' Jenny, lets not start off with an argument. You can say anything you like to me. In fact, I wish you would. All I ask is that youre truthful with me. If you lie to me then youre lying to yourself.

I was angry. 'I want you to go away.

'No, you dont.

'I do. Go away. Youre frightening me.

'No, Im not.

'Ill call my uncle.

'And tell him what?

That stopped me. Id already had more than my fair share of 'doctors appointments. The last thing I needed was to bounce downstairs announcing there was an enormous talking horse in my bedroom.

'Jenny, he said, gently. 'Pick up the packets and throw them all out of the window.

'No, I said, clutching them to me.

'Youre not going to do this.

'I am. I am.

'No, youre not.

'You dont know that. How do you know that?

'Because youve done your homework.

'What?

' Youve done your homework for Monday. Its over there. An essay on Julius Caesar, two pages of German translation, and what looks like ... yes ... a page of simultaneous equations. Youve got the second one wrong, but all the others are right. Well done.

I stopped dead, wrestling with the implications. He was right. I had done my homework. Even though Id planned to kill myself on Sunday night Id done my homework for Monday. And now, as I looked around the room, I could see my stuff ready for Monday. My uniform would be hanging in the wardrobe. My shoes were cleaned and ready. I told you I was thorough. I tried to think about what this meant and ended by bursting into tears.

I heard him move across the room towards me. His breath was warm and comforting in my hair. I could smell ginger biscuits again. He stood between me and the door. My s.h.i.+eld against the world.

'Its all right, he said, gently. 'It really is all right, Jenny. You just wait and see.

I wiped my nose on my sleeve. 'Why are you here? Why me?

I never forgot his reply.

'Because, Jenny, youre special.

So thats how I met Thomas. I asked him his name and he said, 'Thomas. It was surely only a coincidence that that was the name I was thinking of at the time.

Five years later, I left school with good A levels; better than both my cousins certainly. In a perfect world, of course, Francesca would have had the beauty and Christopher would have had the brains. Well, the universe got it half right. Francesca was very beautiful. Christopher, sadly, had the brains of an earthworm and slightly less personality. He never got anything right. Even with tall parents and a tall sister, he managed to be well under average height. In a good-looking family, he was not only undistinguished but unmemorable. Ten minutes after hed gone, youd be hard pushed to remember what he looked like. He compensated by being obnoxious. The only talents he possessed were delusions of adequacy. He truly believed he was something special and even when various business affairs came cras.h.i.+ng down around his head, as they invariably did, he was always unshakeably convinced it was everyone elses fault. So stupid was he that hed managed to take Rushfords only bookshop and run it slowly into the ground. G.o.d knows what it cost Uncle Richard to keep him afloat. But he did. What Christopher wanted, Christopher got. Because on top of everything else, he was a cowardly, spiteful bully who delighted in tormenting those weaker than himself. And I should know. I remember, when I was a child, Russell Checkland had yanked him off me a couple of times.

And no one ever mentioned A levels and Francesca in the same sentence. She didnt need them.

They went on to have proper lives. Nothing happened to me for another fifteen years. After what Aunt Julia told me that day, I made sure I kept my head down and lived a gentle, uneventful life.

It happened when I tried to make a bid for freedom, picking my moment and then nervously showing my aunt a number of university brochures and pamphlets. She looked through them all very carefully, using the time to think of something to say. I did think it was because she was hurt that I wanted to leave home, but it was worse than that.

'Jenny, dear. She stopped.

I took a deep, steadying breath, marshalling the words one by one like recalcitrant sheep. 'I ... like this one. Look at the History ... syllabus.

'Of course, it didnt come out as smoothly as that, but typing my stutter would take for ever and reading it is even more irritating than listening to it. You just have to imagine it.

'Jenny, she said again.

'You arent ... looking at them.

'Jenny. I so hoped we wouldnt have to have this conversation. I need you to listen to me very carefully. Naturally, your uncle and I were very pleased with your exam results. Its nice to see you doing something well.

Deep inside me, things began to clench. I could almost see my words flying free out of the window, leaving me far behind, never getting off the ground.

'My dear, the thing is ... oh dear, this is so difficult. Jenny dear, youve lived with us a long while now and we hoped you would always continue to make your home with us.

Behind me, Thomas breathed into my hair. I couldnt see him but I knew he was there. He was always there for me. ' Be calm. Breathe slowly. Wait to see what she has to say first.

'You see, some years ago, you remember, when we took you to see all those doctors and the thing is, well, they wanted you to go and live in a special place where they thought you would benefit from being with others like you.

It came out in a rush. 'Like me?

'Yes. You know we love you, Jenny. Your uncle and I, your cousins Christopher and Francesca, were your family. We know how difficult it is for you to relate to others. We tell people youre quiet and shy, but its more than that. You know it is. We, your uncle and I, were quite horrified of course. There was no way we could ever let you go to a place like that. So your uncle spoke to them and they agreed, eventually, that if we could provide a quiet and secure environment for you, then that would suffice and you could continue to live with us. And its worked very well. Youve remained quietly at home, gone to a normal school, and lived a normal life. But thats the deal, Jenny. You have to live with us ... Im so sorry, my dear, but you must see its for the best. You continue to live here, no stress, no pressure. You can have a lovely life as long as you stay here with us. You wouldnt like the alternative at all. So you see, we cant let you go to college. Im so sorry.

Behind me, Thomas said in a voice Id never heard from him before. ' Its very important that you stay calm. Pick up the leaflets, take your time, and sort them neatly. Put the large ones on the bottom and the smaller ones on the top. Do it now, please.

So I did. I was accustomed to being told what to do. I watched my hands carefully sorting the college stuff and concentrating on my breathing.

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