Volume I Part 24 (1/2)
”I'm afraid not; my pa.s.sport calls me Kenny James Dodd.”
”But Lord Harvey is a kind of relative of mine; his mother was a Gore; I 'm sure you could be him.”
I shook my head despondently; but somehow, whenever a sudden fancy strikes her, the impulse to yield to it seems perfectly irresistible.
”It's an excellent idea,” continued she, ”and all you have to do is to write the name boldly in the Travellers' Book, and say your pa.s.sport is coming with one of your people.”
”But he might be here?”
”Oh, he's not here; he could n't be here! I should have heard of it if he were here.”
”There may be several who may know him personally here.”
”There need be no difficulty about that,” replied she; ”you have only to feign illness, and keep your room. I 'll take every precaution to sustain the deception. You shall have everything in the way of comfort, but no visitors,--not one.”.
I was thunderstruck, Tom! the notion of coming away from home, leaving my family, and braving Mrs. D., all that I might go to bed at Ems, and partake of low diet under a fict.i.tious t.i.tle, actually overwhelmed me.
I thought to myself, ”This is a hazardous exploit of mine; it may be a costly one too: at the rate we are travelling, money flies like chaff, but at least I shall have something for it. I shall see fas.h.i.+onable life under the most favorable auspices. I shall dine in public with my beautiful travelling-companion. I shall accompany her to the Cursaal, to the Promenade, to the play-tables. I shall eat ice with her under the 'Lindens,' in the 'Alle.' I shall be envied and hated by all the puppy population of the Baths, and feel myself glorious, conquering, and triumphant.” These, and similar, had been my sustaining reflections, under all the adverse pressure of home thoughts. These had been my compensation for the terrors that a.s.suredly loomed in the distance.
But now, instead of the realization, I was to seek my consolation in a darkened room, with old newspapers and water gruel!
Anger and indignation rendered me almost speechless. ”Was it for this?”
I exclaimed twice or thrice, without being able to finish my sentence; and she gently drew her hand within my arm, and, in the tenderest of accents, stopped me, and said, ”No; not for this!”
Ah, Tom! you know what we used to hear in the ”Beggar's Opera,” long ago. ”'Tis women that seduces all mankind.” I suppose it's true. I suppose that if nature has made us physically strong, she has made us morally weak.
I wanted to be resolute; injured and indignant, I did my best to feel outraged, but it wouldn't do. The touch of three taper fingers of an ungloved hand, the silvery sounds of a soft voice, and the tenderly reproachful glance of a pair of dark blue eyes routed all my resolves, and I was half ashamed of myself for needing even such gentle reproof.
From that moment I was her slave; she might have sent me to a plantation, or sold me in a market-place, resistance, on my part, was out of the question; and is n't this a pretty confession for the father of a family, and the husband of Mrs. D.? Not but, if I had time, I could explain the problem, in a non-natural sense, as the fas.h.i.+onable phrase has it, or even go farther, and justify my divided allegiance, like one of our own bishops, showing the difference between submission to const.i.tuted authority, and fidelity to matters of faith,--Mrs. D.
standing to represent Queen Victoria, and Mrs. Gore Hampton Pope Pius the Ninth!
These thoughts didn't occur to me at once, Tom; they were the fruit of many a long hour of self-examination and reflection as I lay alone in my silent chamber, thinking over all the singular things that have occurred to me in life, the strange situations I have occupied, and of this, I own, the very strangest of all.
It must be a dreadful thing to be really sick in one of these places.
There seems to be no such thing as night, at least as a season of repose. The same clatter of plates, knives, and gla.s.ses goes on; the same ringing of bells, and scuffling sounds of running feet; waltzes and polkas; wagons and mule-carts; donkeys and hurdy-gurdies; whistling waiters and small puppies, with a weak falsetto, infest the air, and make up a din that would addle the spirit of Pandemonium.
Hour after hour had I to lie listening to these, taking out my wrath in curses upon Strauss and late suppers, and anathematizing the whole family of opera writers, who have unquestionably originated the bleating performances of every late bed-goer. Not a wretch toiled upstairs, at four in the morning, without yelling out ”Casta Diva,” or ”Gib, mir wein.” The half-tipsy ones were usually sentimental, and hiccuped the ”Tu che al cielo,” out of the ”Lucia.”
To these succeeded the late sitters at the play-tables,--a race who, to their honor be it recorded, never sing. Gambling is a grave pa.s.sion, and, whether a man win or lose, it takes all fun out of him. A deep-muttered malediction upon bad luck, a false oath to play no more, a hearty curse against Fortune were the only soliloquies of these the last votaries of Pleasure that now sought their beds as day was breaking.
Have you ever stopped your ears, Tom, and looked at a room full of people dancing? The effect is very curious. What was so graceful but a moment back is now only grotesque. The plastic elegance of gesture becomes downright absurdity. She who tripped with such fairy-like lightness, or that other who floated with swan-like dignity, now seems to move without purpose, and, stranger still, without grace. It was the measure which gave the soul to the performance,--it was that mystic accord, like what binds mind to matter, that gave the wondrous charm to the whole; divested of this it was like motion without vitality,--abrupt, mechanical, convulsive. Exactly the same kind of effect is produced by witnessing fas.h.i.+onable amus.e.m.e.nts, with a spirit untuned to pleasure. You know nothing of their motives, nor incentives to enjoyment; you are not admitted to any partic.i.p.ation in their plan or their object, and to your eyes it is all ”dancing without music.”
I need not dwell on a tiresome theme, for such would be any description of my life at Ems. Of my lovely companion I saw but little. About midday her maid would bring me a few lines, written in pencil, with kind inquiries after me. Later on I could detect the silvery music of her voice, as she issued forth to her afternoon drive. Later again I could hear her, as she pa.s.sed along the corridor to her room; and then, as night wore on, she would sometimes come to my door to say a few words,--very kind ones, and in her own softest manner, but of which I could recall nothing, so occupied was I with observing her in all the splendor of evening dress.
When a bright object of this kind pa.s.ses from your presence, there still lingers for a second or so a species of twilight, after which comes the black and starless night of deep despondency. Out of these dreamy delusive fits of low spirits I used to start with the sudden question, ”What are you doing here, Kenny Dodd? Is it the father of a family ought to be living in this fas.h.i.+on? What tomfoolery is this? Is this kind of life instructive, intellectual, or even amusing? Is it respectable? I am not certain it is any one of the four. How long is it to continue, or where is it to end? Am I to go down to the grave under a false name, and are the Dodd family to put on mourning for Lord Harvey Bruce?”
One night that these thoughts had carried me to a high pitch of excitement, I was walking hurriedly to and fro in my room inveighing against the absurd folly which originally had embarked me on this journey. Anger had so far mastered my reason that I began to doubt everything and everybody. I grew sceptical that there were such people in the world as Mr. Gore Hampton or Lord Harvey Bruce, and in my heart I utterly rejected the existence of the ”Princess.” Up to this moment I had contented myself with hating her, as the first cause of all my calamities, but now I denied her a reality and a being. I did n't at first perceive what would come of my thus disturbing a great foundation-stone, and how inevitably the whole edifice would come tumbling down about my ears in consequence.
This terrible truth, however, now stared me in the face, and I sat down to consider it with a trembling spirit.
”May I come in?” whispered a low but well-known voice,--”may I come in?”