Part 3 (2/2)

”He'll come around,” Sara promised. ”After all, he's going to want to know what to do once things get serious.”

”Maybe,” John said, lacking conviction in his voice. ”He acts like he has everything all figured out, and I'm just in his way. He's been like this since his mom and I split up. In fact, he didn't start breaking down the walls until I met Rachel. But now that she's...” he broke off as tears entered his eyes once again.

”It's okay,” Sara whispered.

”It's not, though,” John whispered back. ”I don't know what I'm going to do without her, without them. It's like everything suddenly made sense when I met Rachel and Joey. Everything seemed to just fall into place. And now that they're gone, I'm not sure anything will ever make sense again.” He rubbed at his eyes, feigning tiredness to conceal the tears he was wiping away. Sara remained silent, her hand resting on his knee in a gesture of compa.s.sion. ”I mean, what if he never talks again? Rachel had this way of skirting around his stubborn ego, breaking through to reach the Sam no one else got to see. We became a real family, and she was the one who helped to bridge the gap that had been widening before she and Joey walked into our lives.”

”But Rachel always described Sam as a kid she had difficulty getting to know,” Sara noted, curiosity in her eyes.

It was as if she were mirroring my thoughts. When I had first moved in, Sam spent most of his days shut off in his room. Despite the fact that John and I had been dating for three years before I died, I didn't know the kid very well. It took some time and lots of patience before he began opening his door and joining in on the conversation with us. However, it always seemed like there was this invisible barrier he kept in place to bar me from getting too close. As a result, I felt like I had to walk on eggsh.e.l.ls around him to keep from breaking the already thin layers of our complicated relations.h.i.+p. It was an exhausting song and dance we played, and I would try to hide my sense of relief whenever it was time for him to visit his mother, knowing that life would feel effortless without him in the house for a few days.

”She definitely felt at odds with Sam,” John admitted. ”But I don't think she understood just how unreachable he was before she moved in. We lived more like roommates than father and son. There were days he barely said two words to me. And many of those days, I decided it was easier to just let it be than to fight him to hold an actual conversation with me. But Rachel, she had this way of not taking his silence as an answer, showing him she cared through her consistent efforts to reach him. Maybe it was just because she wasn't jaded by the negativity he's held onto for years. But through her persistence, she managed to change his habits from isolating himself into becoming a real part of this new family we were creating.” He paused, taking a deep breath in. ”But now...” he trailed off, his voice wavering. ”It's only been a few days since they died, but it seems like all the good Rachel did since she and Joey moved in with us a year ago left with them.”

”I know,” Sara murmured. ”It's still so hard to believe they're both gone. The other night I missed Rachel so bad I actually listened to an old message she'd left on my voicemail at least a dozen times just to hear the sound of her voice. And Joey...” Sara wiped at her eyes, being careful to dab at the corners to ensure what was left of her eye makeup would remain in place. She looked up at John and smiled. ”Did you know that I was there in the room when he was born?” John shook his head. I had never gone into much detail with him about those early days, pockets of the hurtful memories sometimes even hidden from me. ”Tony had since taken off, and Rachel had moved in with our parents. She asked both me and our mom to be there with her when she went into labor with Joey. I got to see Joey's first breath of air in this world, hear his beautiful cry, see him open his eyes for the first time. I remember him looking right at me as the doctor held him up, and I instantly fell in love. I had never known that about children, that they have this ability to make you fall in love with them at first sight.” She took in a deep breath, looking over at her kids playing across the room. ”It was Joey who gave me the desire to be a mother. Before him, I didn't think I ever wanted children. But seeing him for the first time, and then being there with Rachel as he took his first steps, said his first words, loved me as Auntie Sara...He was just such an amazing kid.”

John put his arm around her. She smiled up at him and patted his knee.

”I'm sorry. If I'm having such a hard time coping with losing both of them, I can't even imagine what you're going through,” she sympathized.

”Oh, I think you can,” he said, placing his hand on hers and squeezing. ”How about the flower shop? Is business going to be okay?” he asked her.

”I closed up shop for the next week. I had to transfer some of our orders to our compet.i.tion, which just kills me. But there's been a lot of understanding from our clients about the situation. It's going to be really strange doing this without Rachel, though. I know I'm eventually going to have to hire another body for the floor, and I'm really dreading it. No one can replace my sister.” She was having a hard time fighting the tears, a few escaping before she could catch them with her tissue.

”Sweetie,” Kevin interrupted, ”I think Lily has reached her breaking point. Think we can start heading home?” Across the room, Lily was sitting near her toys, rubbing her eyes. Sam had found interest in the food table and had abandoned her in favor of piling his plate with whatever was within his reach. Lily, in the meantime, was trying to conduct her tea party on her own. We all watched as Megan came over to try and help, only to be shouted at by Lily for touching her toys.

”Mine, Megan!” Lily squealed, pulling her dolls out of reach and spilling the whole tea party to the floor. Her face began to contort, twisting into a silent scream of protest before letting out the siren's howl.

”Uh, yeah. I think it's time,” Sara chuckled, sniffing as she s.h.i.+fted from mourning and went into mom-mode. She went over and scooped up Lily from the floor while Kevin picked up all the toys that had spread out across the room. Right on cue, Lily stopped crying, stuck her thumb in her mouth, and rested her head on Sara's shoulder. She let out a little shudder of a hiccup from her crying spell, and kept her eyes wide open as she surveyed the room and everyone in it from the comfort of her mother's arms.

”John, if you need anything man, we're here for you,” Kevin said, extending his hand. John shook it before ending with a semi-embrace.

I giggled from the sidelines, remembering John's explanation of a Man Hug, the handshake that transitions into an embrace meant to last only a second or two. ”There are rules to these things,” he'd told me.

Many of the guests took Sara's and Kevin's departure as their invitation to leave as well. My mother stood close to the door, ever the hostess, as she greeted the guests one last time and thanked them for stopping by.

John put on his game face as he was approached by guests before they departed. I could sense how much he didn't want to be there as he gave a distant smile towards anyone who wanted to tell him how sorry they were.

”Are you going to be all right driving home?” my mother asked after the last guest had left. ”We have a guest room if you would rather stay the night.”

”No, I'll be okay. It's only a forty-five minute drive. Besides, I think Sam would rather sleep in his own bed,” John said as he gave my mother a hug goodbye.

”John, you know you're family,” my father said as he extended his hand. ”I know you didn't get a chance to marry my daughter, but in my book...” he trailed off. ”You two are welcome in our home anytime you'd like,” my father told John as he tried to keep himself composed.

John had told me once that my parents felt a lot like they were his own parents. Both of his parents had died a decade earlier. His father had suffered a sudden heart attack in his early sixties. His mother followed soon after, her mental capacity going downhill fast before pa.s.sing away in her sleep. But of the scattered details I'd learned about them, I knew they had never been prominent figures in John's adult life. So while I sometimes regarded my parents' active involvement in my life as intrusive, John regarded it with admiration, embracing it to fill the void his parents had left in his life.

John embraced my father, forgetting the rules to his Man Hug in what seemed like a final goodbye.

”Thank you, sir,” he said. He walked out the door with Sam right behind. My mother pet Sam's hair and gave him a hug. Sam returned the embrace, but appeared awkward in the obligated gesture. I could see his body relax with relief when they parted ways, bounding down the steps to join his dad at the car. And the two of them drove away, leaving the little neighborhood in Sonoma, to head back to the loneliness of their overcrowded city.

Seven.

With a steady hand, I drew a thin line of black above my upper lash. I did this on both sides before enhancing the widened look of my eyes with a layer of mascara. My golden hair was already curled, and I pinned it back from my face and neck in an elaborate series of flowers and sparkling clips. After I touched my lips with a bit of rose stain, I stepped back from the mirror over my bathroom sink and inspected my work. I couldn't help but smile with pride, seeing a vision in front of me that had never looked lovelier. My skin was radiant, the lines I used to hide nowhere to be found in the face that smiled back at me. My hair shone like never before. Even my teeth appeared whiter against the dusty rose color of my mouth.

On the bed was a large white garment bag, one that had been cinched up tight in my closet for months. Beside it lay a white bodice and slip. I stepped into the slip, pulling it up over my narrow hips and placing the slit in the front. I slipped the bodice over my head and leaned forward so I could pull the ribbons tight in the back. The motion was so awkward I wished my sister were there to help me. My fingers didn't reach as far as I would have liked, but somehow I was able to get it closed without any a.s.sistance. Another glance in the mirror revealed an image out of a boudoir photo, my close fitting undergarments tightening my physique, revealing a voluptuous version of what lay underneath.

I unzipped the garment bag with care, placing my hand inside to save the dress from catching on the zipper. Pulling the bag aside, the dress I had been waiting for so long to wear shone back at me. I ran my hand over the soft fabric, admiring the creamy white material layered with small roses and lace. Lifting it off the bed, I stepped into the top of the gown and gathered it up to my breast. I pulled the ribbon tight in the back, taking the time to tighten each strand one by one until there was no more give.

Stepping into a pair of delicate white shoes that rested beside the bed, I took one last glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, and was taken aback by the vision of perfection that stared back at me. In all my months of detailing every aspect of our celebration, I had been sure I'd never achieve the cla.s.sic look of a young bride often a.s.sociated with weddings. And here she was, her innocence staring at me from the full-length mirror of my closet door, ready to be given away.

”Is this really helping?” a voice asked behind me.

”Does it matter?” I answered, not even flinching at the unexpected presence that had joined me. I turned around to see Jane, a girl I once knew in my college years, sitting on the bed next to the empty garment bag.

I met Jane in our freshman year of college. She lived a few doors down from my dorm room. Her roommate was best friends with my roommate, Lisa, which meant Jane would sometimes hang around with us. I didn't mind the girl, except that she had a little bit of a wild streak to her. This both captivated me and scared the s.h.i.+t out of me. Having grown up in a small town, I had been raised to keep a low profile and never do anything that would end up in the community's gossip mill. Jane seemed to have grown up in a much different environment, as she sought attention from anyone willing to be her audience. And when it came to seeking thrills, she had no fear whatsoever. She was not only a willing partic.i.p.ant in a lifestyle of hard partying and risk taking, she was also known to push limits beyond the comfort zone of those around her.

”Try this s.h.i.+t, it's f.u.c.king amazing,” Jane said, shoving a pipe with some unknown substance in my face. The smell of burning plastic was so strong I had to push her hand away. ”Come on Rachel, don't be such a prude,” she laughed before bringing it to her lips and lighting a flame to it. I watched with both disgust and intrigue as the pipe took hold of the flame with her breath, burning into an orange ember before going out into a string of smoke. She leaned back, holding her breath before letting it out in front of her in a cloud of yellowed white. With a dazed look, she grinned over at me.

”I have no issues with being a prude,” I told her. ”I'm actually quite comfortable with it. That s.h.i.+t will kill you.”

It was the night after our freshman finals and we were all blowing off some steam at a party a few seniors were throwing. Lisa was in the corner with a guy she had been trying to talk to for weeks and Jane's roommate had already disappeared into one of the bedrooms upstairs. Never being one to drink much, I nursed my red cup of beer, marveling at how I might be the only sober one in the room. The majority of the party was made up of freshmen, many of whom were taking advantage of the freedom they'd discovered this year by overindulging in anything illegal they could get their hands on. Next to us, a few girls giggled as they took turns snorting lines of cocaine off the gla.s.s coffee table. Marijuana joints glowed around the room, as casual as if they were regular cigarettes. Music played low on the sound system in the corner, allowing for a din of chatter to hum around the room while keeping a low profile from the cops. The party was a bit too wild for my taste, but I wasn't about to abandon Lisa by going back to the safety of my dorm. I figured if I just nursed the one beer, I could handle a bit of stupidity from my cla.s.smates.

Bored with me, Jane leapt up from the couch and made a beeline for the sound system in the corner of the room. She turned up the volume, eliciting cheers from those around her. The energy of the room transformed from the laid back atmosphere, filling with animated bodies who began to dance to a steady beat of music.

”Come on and dance!” a guy from my English cla.s.s yelled at me over the music while holding out his hand. I grinned, taking his hand while still clutching my drink. I couldn't quite remember his name, but I had a feeling it didn't matter. Turns out I was right. Within moments of joining the crowd I lost him. More and more people migrated into the dancing room, coming together to create a shapeless ent.i.ty that fed off the energy within. In the center of it all I could catch glimpses of Jane, her eyes closed as she danced to a beat all her own. She swirled in different directions as the high-energy dance moves around her clashed with her flowing movements. I could tell something wasn't quite right when she opened her eyes, and didn't seem to register all that was going on around her.

I did my best to maneuver through the crowd to her, a feat that proved difficult. As the song s.h.i.+fted to a trance beat, glistening bodies moved in suggestive motions against anyone who was close to them. Groping hands were everywhere, trying to caress whatever was within reach. The smell of sweat was pungent in the air, and my own clothes clung to me like a second skin. I sipped at my beer to cool off as I continued to make my way through the crowd, trying not to stare too long at the dancers around me. A girl with closed eyes continued to move while several of the guys around her took turns fondling her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Another couple was entwined in a tangled embrace, their mouths exploring each other's lips as if no one were around them. All around me, the mood had s.h.i.+fted from a casual dance party to something much more risque. And in the center of it all was Jane who had fallen to the floor and now lay there with her eyes wide open.

”Jane!” I screamed, leaping past the few people who stood between us and kneeling at her side. She turned towards me with a blank stare, her skin glistening with beads of sweat and reflecting the colors that flashed from lights around the room. I touched my hand to her cheek and it was burning up. ”Turn off the music!” I yelled to those around me. ”Someone get help!” No one heard me as the deafening beat continued to pound through the room. Jane lay there flat on her back, her arms and head exposed to the shuffling feet around her. I s.h.i.+elded her body with mine to help protect her from getting trampled, hitting at the legs closest to us. ”Call for help!” I yelled again as I tried to get someone to notice what was going on.

”Right on sister,” a guy yelled with approval, giving me a provocative look as I straddled Jane's body.

”No!” I shouted. ”She's hurt! Get help!” His face took on a look of recognition when he saw the vacant stare in Jane's eyes. He tapped the guy next to him and pointed towards Jane.

”Someone's hurt, we need to make a path.” The sea of people around us began to part as the guy helped me to hoist Jane up and move her toward the edge of the room.

”The cops!” someone shouted, and the crowd began to scatter in a chaotic frenzy. The guy helping to hold Jane up looked at me with an apology in his eyes.

”I'm sorry, but I can't get in trouble. My parents will kill me.”

”Wait!” I said as he lowered his side of Jane's body to the floor. But in a moment he was gone with the rest of the crowd. I kneeled to the floor, resting Jane's head on my lap and running my hand over her damp forehead. I could tell she was trying to fall asleep to escape whatever it was that was haunting her, but every now and then her eyes would jerk open in terror. ”It's going to be okay,” I told her, even though I knew she couldn't hear me above the music still pounding around us in the darkened room.

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