Part 2 (2/2)
I could see Rose's eyes cloud over, a concerned look appearing on her face.
”Darling, I wouldn't get too attached to those who are still alive,” she cautioned, as if she could read my mind. ”It would be best if you just let them be and moved on. I know there are people you love and miss terribly. But staying for them will only keep you from the greatest happiness you could ever experience, and leave you stuck in an internal prison of unnatural pain, never letting up until you learn to let go.”
She held my hands and squeezed them so tight it caught me off guard. Her hold loosened only when I tried to pull away. She looked away for a second, and then gave me an embarra.s.sed smile. ”Rachel, please just trust me on this.”
”Why are you telling me this, Aunt Rose?” I asked her, irritated about this limitation she was placing on me. ”I mean, you're here, aren't you? And you're fine, right?”
”Rachel, I would give anything to be free from this divide.”
”But who are you waiting for?” I implored her. ”What's causing you to be stuck here?”
”Don't you know, darling? I've stayed for you and Sara.”
I was flooded with sudden emotion, the reality of how much Aunt Rose had loved us becoming apparent with her sacrifice of happiness for us. I thought of the past twenty-five years, when her memory had come to me out of nowhere, providing me with a sense of comfort in times when I felt the most alone. I wondered if it was in those times she had been near me, watching me from another reality while trapping herself in a world she couldn't escape. She'd had no children in her lifetime, showering Sara and me with a love she would probably have reserved for her own children had she become a mother. And just as she had in her life, Aunt Rose had spent the last two and a half decades loving my sister and me while watching over us. I realized that even though she had died, she'd never left at all. The comfort that she gave me only intensified my desire to be close to John, to make sure he was okay before I left him alone forever.
But the realization that Rose had given up her freedom in her watch over my sister and me hadn't escaped me. I turned to her and took her hand in mine.
”I'm here now,” I told her. ”You don't have to wait anymore. And Sara is fine too. She's married and has children, and she's living a wonderful life. You're free to move on.”
”You don't understand,” she responded, her voice faltering. ”It's not that easy.”
”But I don't get it, Aunt Rose. You even said time doesn't exist here. So couldn't you get to the time when both of us are past our human lives and then move on to wherever it is we're supposed to move on to?”
”Don't you think I've tried that?” she emphasized. ”I've tried everything I could to...” She winced, stopping herself mid-sentence as she wiped her hand across her forehead. ”Let's just say that I have to move past this on my own to be able to free myself. Wis.h.i.+ng for anything else only results in tragedy.”
”Tragedy? Just for wis.h.i.+ng we could be with you?” I asked her.
And that's when it hit me. Aunt Rose had said the way to be close to someone or a certain time, we were to feel it in every fiber of our being. While Rose had wanted to move on and be free, she was unable to because she loved me too much. I looked at her in alarm, my eyes burning as they searched over her panicked face.
”I'm so sorry, Rachel. I didn't mean for this to happen,” she pleaded. ”I didn't know!”
”You killed me?” I whispered. ”You killed me, and you killed my son?”
”I didn't know this would happen!” she pleaded. ”You were so happy, planning your wedding and about to start a new life. I couldn't have wished for a better happiness for you.”
”Then why, Aunt Rose? Why couldn't you just let me be? Why couldn't you let me marry John and be happy?”
”I was jealous!” she burst out, her voice rising in her desperation.
Clouds began to cover the sky once more, sending a light drizzle that moistened my hair and clothing. But I didn't even feel the rain on my heated skin, seething from anger and confusion that Rose had taken away everything I had ever loved because of her own selfish needs.
”I couldn't be there,” she pressed on. ”You were planning this lovely ceremony, marrying a man who was absolutely wonderful to you and to your son. And all I wanted was to be able to be there with you, to hug you and congratulate you on your marriage. I wanted to help you plan all the details and give you advice.” Rose's expression was bleak. ”You are like a daughter to me, and it pained me that I couldn't be there with you.”
”You are not my mother!” I shot at her, finding a sense of satisfaction in the anguish on her face. ”You had no right, no right at all. I was happy!”
”Darling, I didn't know,” she whispered. ”It was a moment of weakness I wish I could take back.”
I sank to my knees, realizing that my entire life had ended on the wish of one spirit. I felt more powerless than ever.
”How did you do it?” I whispered.
Rose sat down next to me. She reached for my hand, but I pulled it away from her grasp. Sighing, she placed her hands in her lap.
”You had just finished getting Joey fitted in his suit for your wedding. I was there with you, laughing along with you over Joey's awkward moment.” In spite of myself, I couldn't help but smile at the memory of Joey describing his horrendous measurement experience. ”You both were so casual with each other, so open and honest. And I felt this pang of jealousy. I had never experienced that kind of joy, never having had children of my own. I mean, I had you and Sara. And you both became my whole world. But at the end of every visit, you went home with your parents, and I was left alone in my own house. When I died, I stayed by you and Sara, loving you as if you were my own children. But something happens to you in this existence. Feelings are more intense, more powerful than anything you have ever experienced in your human life. I became your protector, almost like your guardian angel. I was limited in my physical involvement in your life, but wherever I could place my guidance over you, I did.”
She took a deep breath before continuing. I kept quiet, holding down my simmering anger, afraid that if I spoke I wouldn't find out the whole truth.
”But the reality is, Rachel, a barrier still existed between you and me. You were living, I was dead. You weren't my child. I am not G.o.d. No matter how I tried to get close to you, you were always just out of my reach.”
I was reminded of my first glimpse of John right after I died, how I tried to take hold of his hand only to have him draw away, how much it hurt to look at him and have him not see me. Tears sprang to my eyes as I remembered pounding on the bed and the wall in desperation to get his attention only to be shut out.
”When you and your son were driving home, that feeling of longing intensified itself into something much deeper than I had ever experienced. When it's happened before, I've managed to walk away until it settled into something more tolerable. But this time, I just wanted to see what would happen if I allowed myself to experience it. It grew into something so big, I could no longer control it. The truck driver changed course, heading straight for you, and I tried to stop it from happening. But by then it was too late. The plan was set in motion and I had no power over it.”
”But Joey,” I whimpered. ”He didn't have to die!” The tears streamed down my cheeks.
”I didn't know this would happen!” Rose pleaded with me. ”I never wanted you to die. I certainly didn't want Joey's life to end so soon. If I could take it back-”
”But you can't!” I exclaimed, jumping to my feet. ”As a result, my son will never experience human life beyond the age of thirteen. He'll never know what a first kiss feels like, or deep and true love, or what it's like to be a father. John is left to pick up all the pieces, to plan a funeral for both me and my son when we should be planning our wedding! You've stolen so much from so many people. How could you?!”
”Darling,” she began, but I interrupted.
”I am not your darling!”
The muscles on her face twitched with the deep sorrow she was trying to control. ”Rachel, I'm sorry.”
”That doesn't make it better!” I shouted at her. ”This is all your fault. I'm stuck here in this forest, my broken body in some morgue by now, and I can't even find my son. Where is he? Where is Joey?”
”I don't know,” she admitted. ”He's in his own reality. And he's safe, I a.s.sure you. We all are. But you won't see him until it's time.”
”There's no such thing as time!” I shouted.
”It's complicated darl... Rachel,” she said.
I was overwhelmed with rage in an instant. I was angrier than I had ever been in my life. But even more than that, I longed to see John again, to be comforted by his presence and to make sure he was okay. The surrounding forest began to fade, the colors turning to muted tones behind Rose as they all began to evaporate.
”Don't go,” she begged me, her fear and sadness sending another chill of anger through me. ”Stay with me, Rachel!” If she said anything else, I couldn't hear it. Rose, the forest, the cicadas and the drizzling rain all disappeared into a cloud of emptiness, leaving me suspended in s.p.a.ce before tearing me with a lurch into a new reality.
Six.
”It was a lovely service,” my mother told my father through her tears, her hand resting on his arm. ”They would have loved it.”
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