Part 14 (1/2)

”Well, yes, that does about cover it.” She stared at her carrot.

”Lee, look at me.”

Leah looked. Saw the sable hair, the translucent skin. She tried to see to the woman underneath.

”Let's go back to bed,” Jackie said softly. ”I'd really like to.”

”I should feed Butch,” Leah said.

”Well, then feed her,” Jackie said with a laugh.

Leah bustled around the kitchen knowing that two pairs of eyes watched, both with hunger. Butch devoted her attention to her dish when it hit the floor, but Leah could feel Jackie's gaze on her. Leah washed her hands, wiped out the sink, dried her hands, mopped the counter and finally stood twisting the dish towel into a knot. She knew what she wanted. She wanted it so much she couldn't put it into words.

Jackie's lips grazed the back of her neck. Her body's response was immediate and alarming. She broke out into a cold sweat and her knees trembled. Jackie's hands clasped her hips gently and the tip of her tongue feathered under one ear. Leah gasped and Jackie pulled the robe open and gently stroked Leah's b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

”You want to, don't you?” Jackie's voice held a plea, though Leah thought the answer was obvious from the hard ache of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. ”Say yes.” Jackie's voice broke. ”Please say yes.”

In answer Leah turned to kiss Jackie. Her eyes closed and she felt as though she were slipping down a long water slide into a volcano.

Jackie's hands finally left Leah alone long enough for Leah to catch her breath. Exhausted, she stretched out on the bed. 'Tor a beginner,” she murmured, ”you certainly know your stuff.”

Jackie's answer was a satisfied smile.

”How do you know?”

Jackie's eyebrows arched and she turned her head. ”Know what?”

”What I want. When I don't know myself.”

Jackie's expression was now definitely smug. ”Your body talks to me.” The Ches.h.i.+re grin returned.

Leah tried to recall why she had wanted to give Jackie freedom. None of the reasons made any sense. She didn't want Jackie to find someone else. She wanted to be side by side with Jackie.

Leah looked at her. Love, she thought. I'm in love. With this woman, and if she doesn't want to be with me, I won't get another chance. She didn't know what to do or say. She felt a little giddy. She didn't want to scare Jackie away.

”I have to be in the city by two,” Leah said. ”The photographer.”

Jackie said, ”Then we have a little more time.” Without opening her eyes she trailed her fingertips over Leah's ribs.

”Oh no you don't,” Leah said, pus.h.i.+ng the hand away. ”I couldn't possibly, not one more time.”

Jackie smirked. ”That's what you said last time.”

”This time I'm sure,” Leah said. ”And I'm starving. Let's go have some lunch.”

Jackie rolled onto her side and rested on one elbow. A Venus, Leah thought. A Venus I'd walk a Milo for. She was definitely giddy.

Jackie quirked an eyebrow. ”What's so funny?”

Leah shook her head. ”We can shower together if you promise no tricks.” She had to get some distance back. Her head was spinning and she didn't trust her instincts.

Jackie promised with mock sincerity while she plainly crossed her fingers, but within a half-hour they were both dressed and out the front door. Jackie followed Leah to a diner in San Leandro that specialized in English breakfasts. They ate indulgently and talked about everything except when they would see each other next.

Why doesn't she ask me to come with her to the gallery, Jackie wondered. Why doesn't she say when she wants to see me?

The bill came and Leah scooped it up. ”You bought dinner, remember? Be right back.”

Jackie watched Leah walk to the register. She seemed so composed. Jackie didn't know if she had successfully made a dent in Leah's life. Would Leah miss her this evening? Maybe Leah just didn't understand that Jackie wanted to go on together. What more could she have done?

Said I love you. The ultimate risk. Just say it, she told herself. But she couldn't, not when she knew the answer. Sharla. Why ask for, why even expect something she couldn't have?

She had told herself she'd be happy as second best. She wondered how often she told herself lies.

Leah returned and put down the tip. ”Ready?”

Jackie followed her to the parking lot, then leaned against the truck. ”When will the magazine be out?”

”Next weekend, to coincide with the opening. The story's already done, apparently. Printing presses are waiting even as we speak.”

”Well, I won't keep you,” Jackie said. She swallowed the lump in her throat - her pride, probably - and said, ”When can I see you again?”

After a long moment, Leah said, ”When would you like to?”

Tonight, Jackie thought. Tomorrow morning. Every night. She said, trying for a light approach, ”I don't know how lesbians do this.”

”You're free to do whatever you want,” Leah said. Her lashes were low, hiding her expression.

Jackie sighed. Leah clearly didn't want to make any plans, clearly didn't want Jackie in her future. With a flash of anger she said, ”That's good. I need lots of room. So many women, so little time.”

Leah nodded. ”I know what you mean.”

Jackie finally blinked and said, ”Well, you have a photographer waiting. I'm looking forward to seeing the exhibit.”

”Perhaps I'll see you there, then.”

Jackie didn't trust herself to speak. She made a show of driving swiftly away, as though she too had somewhere important to be. She spent the rest of the day slamming cupboard doors and asking herself what she had for brains.

Leah watched Jackie drive away and said to the rear view mirror, ”Well, that didn't go how I thought it would.” Now, of course, there was nothing wrong with her vocal cords. They hadn't been operating a few minutes earlier. Neither had her brain.

That moment next to the truck had been like standing on the edge of a precipice knowing that all the best of life was at the bottom. All she had to do was be willing to free-fall. Why hadn't she just said she'd drop by Jackie's place after the photographer finished? Why hadn't she told Jackie she was in love with her?

Telling Sharla she loved her had been easy - words had never been a problem. Their friends.h.i.+p had paved the way to easier communication when they became lovers. With Jackie she had precious opportunities that she kept s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up. Words she felt inadequate to say because she wasn't sure Jackie wanted to hear or believe them.

She drove home as quickly as possible and dashed into her workshop. She carefully loaded the four Yes canvases into the truck.

Once she was on the freeway she second-guessed herself. She didn't want to start over on her reputation as an artist. But the work was the best she had ever done. She didn't relish controversy. But the highest art pushed at people's minds.

She hadn't wanted to display the paintings before Jackie saw them. At the same time she felt the only way to show Jackie how she felt was to tell the world. How would Jackie respond, she wondered. That Jackie liked having s.e.x with her - that was monumentally clear. What if Jackie wanted nothing more?

Everything was still a muddle. Mushy, incoherent gray.