Part 7 (2/2)
”Was I that bad in bed?” He sounded lost and hurt.
”No. I knew you'd think that,” she said, her tone growing more acerbic. ”It's not about you. It's about what I feel. I enjoyed what we did in bed.” It was a little white lie because she hadn't always wanted to have s.e.x when he did. She promised herself that faking pa.s.sion would go the way of the condoms.
”Then why? I just don't understand.” There - that was the Parker she had known lately. His chin was out and he was sure she had wronged him. He had looked just that way when she had suggested that he might be able to afford their last trip to the movies. But, no, they always went fifty-fifty, he'd said. Their relations.h.i.+p was equal, he'd said.
”Why are you in love with someone else? Why does anyone prefer s.e.x the way they do? There's a million ways to do it, and a million ways I haven't even thought of. All I know is that when I go looking for someone to be in my life I'll be looking for a woman.” She patted his hands again but he slid them out from under hers. ”I hope... I hope you can still wish me happiness.”
His mouth twisted in an ugly grimace. ”I can hope you come to your senses.”
”Don't be a jerk,” she said sharply. ”I can hope you're happy.”
”I will be. It's normal, after all.”
Jackie opened her mouth to argue, then snapped it closed. She didn't know what to say. She was ill-prepared to argue the virtues of a lifestyle she hadn't even tried yet. She gave him The Look - it was the best she could do on short notice.
His Adam's apple bobbed. ”Let's not fight about it.”
Jackie sighed. ”I'm not leaving you for another woman, you know. We're leaving each other. And you're the one with someone else.”
He stared stonily at her for a moment then said, ”So it's goodbye, then.”
Her own goodbye lodged in her throat, making it ache.
She pulled off the freeway in Palo Alto, put the top down and took the long way home. The crimson and bronze sunset from the Pacifica cliffs promised a cloud-free! tomorrow.
The light in the cabin was bad. It was cold. The trips to town for supplies took too long. Was.h.i.+ng brushes left the unpleasant odor of thinner hanging in the air, particularly in the loft. The stoves were tiring to maintain. She'd tried making biscuits and burned them to the point of having to throw out the pans.
She had even written a letter to her parents, not saying much beyond the depth of the snow and that she was getting by on her own. Her parents had made their disapproval of Sharla plain. Unlike Sharla's parents, however, they hadn't told her she was dead to them-they just couldn't see Leah unless she reformed. When she had written to say Sharla had died, her mother had responded with a beautifully copied text of a Brethren hymn accompanied by a gentle note of regret. She had even said that she understood Leah's grief. Since then, corresponding with her parents had been easier. They made no demands of each other. She was able, after all the years of frost, to wish them a joyous Christmas.
Her own Christmas was deadly dull and she missed the trappings of a big meal and someone to share it. On the days she was honest with herself, she admitted that it was Jackie she missed. For the first time since Sharla's death, Leah felt cramped in the cabin. Cramped and cranky. Even the clank of Butch's collar was getting on her nerves.
Wearily, she dropped a load of wood next to the kitchen stove. Her listless gaze fell on the phone. Completely on impulse, she looked up Maureen's phone number and dialed without giving herself the chance to think twice.
”The house is fine,” Maureen told her soothingly. ”The housekeeping service has been very conscientious. No intruders. I've left the garden alone like you said, but really, it needs some help before spring. Valentina knows a great gardener.” Maureen's lulling tone was sensuous. It was completely unconscious on Maureen's part, and more than one woman had delighted in just listening to her, Leah included.
”I think I'll be coming back pretty soon,” Leah said. ”I'll do it... it'll be good therapy.”
”You're probably right. It'll be good to see you. Val and I have been worried.”
Tm better. I still feel - like half a person. But... well, anyway. I'm coming back. Coming home again.”
”I can't wait to see you, Leah. Call me the moment you get in. I can't wait.” Maureen sighed breathily into the phone. She did it with such innocent sincerity that it made Leah smile. Two years away from her friends - what had kept her away from the people she and Sharla had loved?
The prospect of going back to her lonely afternoon made Leah search for another topic. ”How did the AIDS Dance-a-thon do this year?”
'I didn't go, but I heard it was a fun party,” Maureen began. She summarized the income and expense, and dropped names and news in the categories of Brought in Big Bucks, New People on the Scene, Important Lesbians, the Intimate Friends of Important Lesbians, and Prima Donnas. Maureen was a volunteer in nearly 100% of the hours she didn't spend at her middle-management job in a large insurance company. She had at her fingertips the names of hundreds of people raising money for AIDS, breast cancer, domestic violence, experimental theater and lesbian and gay arts projects. Leah had gotten to know Maureen after Maureen had convinced her to be a jurist for a lesbian art show. ”So if you're coming home I'll expect you to be there, okay?”
'Tm sorry, where again?”
”You haven't been listening to me at all, have you? I'm talking about the AIDS Foundation dinner.”
”Is that all?” Leah smiled to herself.
”Of course not. I'll hit you up for about one event a month. Get you into circulation again.”
”I'm not sure I want to circulate,” Leah said. Going to dinners and dances alone would be a trial. She was also uncertain about how Constance fit into her future life.
Maureen tsk-ed. ”Of course you do. I'll make sure you meet people who are fun to talk to. More than talk you'll have to arrange for yourself.” Maureen's tone took on a definitely suggestive edge.
Leah rolled her eyes at the kitchen stove. ”I'm definitely not in circulation for that. Not yet.”
”Can't be a nun forever.”
”From what I hear, some nuns have plenty of s.e.x. Now, who told me that?” Her voice was bland.
Maureen had a wicked laugh. ”Well, I suppose I do know something about nuns and s.e.x. Having experienced Valentina's rapture repeatedly over the last six years.”
When Leah hung up nearly an hour later Maureen had pinned her down for several events and extracted a firm promise to come to dinner so that Valentina could practice her latest recipes.
She snapped her fingers and Butch left her spot near the stove to nuzzle at Leah's knees. ”Want to go home, girl?”
Butch's ears p.r.i.c.ked up and her wagging tail made emphatic yesses in the air.
”Leah? Me too.”
9.
I-900-HOT-b.u.t.t.
Jackie dropped the newspaper as though her fingers were burned. Her cheeks flamed and she picked it up again, carefully arranging the pages so she didn't see the explicit photograph of a male posterior and the phone number again.
She read a review of a Theater Rhino production, then decided she needed another cafe latte. She made her way across the crowded patio to the coffee bar and placed her order. So this was Sunday afternoon in Noe Valley.
Her studio was in a less fas.h.i.+onable part of the Glen Park district, but it was easy by transit to get to Noe Valley - the part of the city that overflowed with lesbians. She knew that from reading the weekly alternative press. The men went to the bars in the Castro and the women went to coffeehouses in Noe Valley. At least that's what the advertis.e.m.e.nts implied. Now that she was experiencing the Noe Valley coffeehouse scene firsthand Jackie wasn't sure what she had thought she'd find.
Armed with her latte, she reclaimed her chair and went back to reading the gay weekly paper she'd picked up at the door. The calendar section detailed many holiday events for gays and lesbians, including a Messiah sing-along with the lesbian and gay choruses of San Francisco, which sounded like fun. There was a women-only dance on Christmas Eve to stave off the holiday blues, and a businesswomen's group was having dinner and a White Elephant gift exchange on Christmas Day at a posh restaurant.
The gay and lesbian community seemed determined to provide everyone with something to do over the holidays. Since Jackie wasn't going to be able to spend them with her folks, she appreciated the variety. After a moment she realized that there were probably many people whose families wouldn't welcome them if they tried to go home. She felt a tremor - what if her parents reacted like so many?
She forced the apprehension away. No, she had always stood firm on the foundation of their love for her. It was concrete with rebar and earthquake-proof. Perhaps her certainty in their unswerving support was making this change in her life easy. Well, easier.
She spent too much time thinking about it to make it easy.
The news stories went into detail about items such as child custody cases, local legislation and updates on what fundamentalists were doing in other states to restrict gay civil rights. She found the last type of story the scariest news she'd read in a long time. Didn't these people have better things to do with their time than worry about whom their neighbor was sleeping with?
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