Part 14 (1/2)
Ma. Delete.
Ma. Delete.
Ma. Delete.
Ma. Delete.
Ma. Delete.
Message number nine was from my brother.
”It's Rob. Mom's looking for you. She sounded really p.i.s.sed, so I'd call her if I were you. Plus, she said if you didn't call her, she was going to your apartment to look for you. I really don't want her here because I really don't want to explain about Nina.
Not because it bothers me talking about it or anything like that. h.e.l.l, no. I can say her name all day and it doesn 't bother me one bit. I don't give a s.h.i.+t if we ever get back together. And I surely don't give a s.h.i.+t if she's sorry. Though she should be on account of I didn't do a d.a.m.ned thing. You can tell her I said that, too. On second thought, you might hurt her feelings and I wouldn't want to be a b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Not because I want her back. Just because, you know, she's got girlfriends and I know how you women talk. Before you know it, I'll have a rep for being an a.s.shole and I won't be able to get a date to save my life.”
Sure.
”So call her. And for the record, I wasn't the one who decided to take a p.i.s.s on your rug.” I heard a purrrrr and a meow edy. He does stand-up every Sat.u.r.day night. Hopefully she likes jokes more than she does hat tricks. Mia called and said they went to a macrame cla.s.s for date number three and that she made her own handbag. It was celibacy at its finest and she's thrilled.”
I wouldn't use ”celibacy” and ”thrilled” in the same sentence, but then I'm a born vampire: i.e., a s.e.xual dynamo. Give me an o.r.g.a.s.m or give me death!
”Also, Jonelle had a wonderful time with Uncle Harrington and wants to do it again. The only problem is, he couldn't stand her.
Said she was all over him and he didn't even get a chance to nap during the movie.”
Come again?
”Even after he farted. It seems she likes a strong man who isn't afraid to be himself and she wants to take him to her salsa club on Friday evening. I warned her what might happen, but she's adamant. Help! And speaking of help, your mother called looking for you.”
Imagine that.
”Twenty-three times. That's a new record for her. Anyhow, she kept saying something about an ambush and how if she can't do the ambush in the comfort of her own home, then she'll have to do it elsewhere.” Click.
Uh-oh.
A wave of anxiety rushed through me and I punched in Jack's number. Surely she hadn't decided to go for the poison. Jack would never forgive her. I would never forgive her.
”Where's Mandy?” I blurted the moment I heard my brother's voice.
”Underneath me,” my brother replied. ”We're about to have s.e.x. We've been about to have s.e.x for the past two hours, but we keep getting interrupted.”
”Is mom there?”
”I like a little kink as much as the next vampire, but I draw the line at that.”
”I didn't mean in bed with you. I meant, has she been there?”
”Earlier. She would still be here, but Mandy pretended that she got called out on an emergency at the hospital, so Ma finally left. I swear, if I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't believe it. I think she's really starting to like Mandy. She was fussing all over her, propping up her feet and even making her a snack.”
Oh-no.
”She didn't eat it, did she?” I blurted. ”The snack? She didn't eat the snack, did she?”
”She's saving it until later. She wants to work up an appet.i.te first.”
”That's wonderful.”
”Says you. You're not the one who keeps getting interrupted.”
”I'm sorry. Go back to what you were doing, but do not let her eat the after-s.e.x snack.”
”Why not?”
”Because ...” Our mother's a self-absorbed lunatic.
I wanted to say it. I needed to say it. The thing is, he'd sounded so happy at the thought that our mom was being supportive of Mandy and the whole baby thing. I couldn't bust his delusional bubble.
”Because eating too soon after s.e.x can cause really bad cramps.”
”No way.”
”Way. I heard it on Discovery Health.”
”Since when do you watch Discovery Health? Since when do you watch any TV?”
”I watch TV.”
”Platinum Weddings doesn't count.”
”Since I deal with all types of clients at Dead End Dating, I figured I 'd better beef up my knowledge of humans. I can't hook them up if I don't know what makes them tick.” Can I improv or what? ”I also saw a show about reproduction. It said if you're trying to up your chances at conception, you should eat only eggs for seventy-two hours following intercourse. Mom didn't make eggs, did she?”
”It's a ham and turkey sub with mayonnaise.”
”Well, then, I guess you'll have to throw it out in favor of an omelette.”
”That sounds a little far-fetched.”
”To you. You're a born vamp with a weird, twisted digestive tract. Humans are different. ” I heard Mandy's voice in the background, followed by a few m.u.f.fled words from Jack. ”Mandy said she's never heard about the eggs, but she can see how the protein might play into the fertilization of the reproductive egg.”
”See?”