Part 75 (1/2)

”And the devotion that we have professed--think of it! and the union of souls--ha, ha, ha! and the common interests and the deep sympathy--it is screaming! Almost worth the price I pay, for the sake of the rattling good joke! And by this grave! Great heavens, how humourous is destiny!”

He leant his arms on the tomb-stone and laughed on softly, his big form shaking, his strange sinister face appearing over the stone, irradiated with merriment. In the dusk, among the graves, the grinning face looked like that of some mocking demon, some gargoyle come to life, to cast a spell of evil over the place.

”Ah, me, life has its comic moments!” His eyes were streaming. ”I fear I must seem to you flippant, but you will admit the ludicrous side of the situation. I am none the less ready to cut my throat--ha, ha, ha! Admit, my dear Hadria--Mrs. Temperley--that it appeals also to _your_ sense of humour. A common sense of humour, you know, was one of our bonds of union. What more appropriate than that we should part with shaking sides? Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! what am I to do? One can't live on a good joke for ever.”

He grasped his head in his hands; then suddenly, he broke out into another paroxysm. ”The feminine nature always the same, always, always; infinitely charming and infinitely volatile. Delicious, and oh how instructive!”

He slowly recovered calmness, and remained leaning on the gravestone.

”May I ask when this little change began to occur!” he asked presently.

”If you will ask in a less insolent fas.h.i.+on.”

He drew himself up from his leaning att.i.tude, and repeated the question, in different words.

Hadria answered it, briefly.

”Oh, I see,” he said, the savage gleam coming back to his eyes. ”The change in your feelings began when Fortescue appeared?”

Hadria flushed.

”It was when he appeared that I became definitely aware of that which I had been struggling with all my might and main to hide from myself, for a long time.”

”And that was----?”

”That there was something in you that made me--well, why should I not say it?--that made me shrink.”

He set his lips.

”You have not mentioned the mysterious something.”

”An element that I have been conscious of from the first day I saw you.”

”Something that _I_ had, and Fortescue had _not_, it would seem.”

”Yes.”

”And so, on account of this diaphanous, indescribable, exquisite something, I am to be calmly thrown over; calmly told to go about my business!” He began to walk up and down the pathway, with feverish steps, talking rapidly, and representing Hadria's conduct in different lights, each one making it appear more absurd and more unjust than the last.

”I have no defence to make,” she said, ”I know I have behaved contemptibly; self-deception is no excuse. I can explain but not justify myself. I wanted to escape from my eternal self; I was tired of fighting and always in vain. I wanted to throw myself into the life and hopes of somebody else, somebody who _had_ some chance of a real and effective existence. Then other elements of attraction and temptation came; your own memory will tell how many there were. You knew so well how to surround me with these. Everything conspired to tempt me. It seemed as if, in you, I had found a refuge from myself. You have no little power over the emotions, as you are aware. My feeling has been genuine, heaven knows! but, always, always, through it all, I have been aware of this element that repels me; and I have distrusted you.”

”I knew you distrusted me,” he said gloomily.

”It is useless to say I bitterly regret it all. Naturally, I regret it far more bitterly than you can do. And if my conduct towards you rankles in your heart, you can remember that I have to contend with what is far worse than any sense of being badly treated: the sense of having treated someone badly.”

He walked up and down, with bent head and furrowed brows. He looked like some restless wild animal pacing its cage. Intense mortification gave him a strange, malicious expression. He seemed to be casting about for a means of returning the stunning blow that he had received, just at the moment of expected triumph.

”d.a.m.n!” he exclaimed with sudden vehemence, and stood still, looking down into Hadria's face, with cruel, glittering eyes.

He glanced furtively around. There was no one in sight. Even little Martha was making mud-pies by the church door. The thick yew trees shut in the churchyard from the village. There was not a sound, far or near, to break the sense of seclusion.