Part 19 (1/2)

John was nothing if not calm in a crisis, though. As a fresh wave of tears made it impossible for me to speak again, he simply went and made me another mug of coffee. And when I'd calmed myself sufficiently to tell him why I was crying, he sat, nodding sagely, understanding completely.

'It's just I hate this,' I said. 'I'm not in this to fail. And I feel I've failed her. And abandoned her too, John. I can't bear for her to think I've abandoned her. What'll that do to her? It just feels all wrong.'

'You're not abandoning her, Casey. You're supporting her. And before you ask, I've already spoken to the people I need to speak to. She's staying in hospital for a few days, while she recovers from her injuries, and then the likelihood is, subject to the psychiatrist's a.s.sessment, that she'll be transferred to a specialist adolescent mental health unit, where she can get the treatment she so badly needs.'

I'd had little experience of such places, though I did remember from my time running the unit in school about a girl a tragic case; a chronically sick anorexic and she'd come through it. Got better. Made it back to us. I pulled out another tissue and blew my nose, which felt as if it must be scarlet. 'And they think she'll recover?'

'Probably too early to say. But from the conversations I've had, that doesn't seem an unreasonable prognosis, not with the right support ...'

'But what is wrong with her? Does it have a name? Is it to do with her Addison's? I wish I knew more about all this stuff.'

'Casey, you can't know everything.'

'But is it? Or is it something else? Is she schizophrenic? Psychotic?' I was just grabbing words and I knew it. It was probably so much more complex than that.

'Who d'you think I am?' John said. 'Doctor b.l.o.o.d.y Kildare?!' His features softened then. 'Look,' he said, as I finished my coffee and told him I'd better think about heading off. 'Don't agonise, okay? Whatever it turns out to be and my hunch is that it'll be a mixture of all sorts of pressures you can still support Sophia. Go and visit her every day if you want to. Just do me one favour, okay?'

'What?'

'Don't beat yourself up. Don't feel you failed her. Don't feel any of this is your fault. You're my stars, you and Mike, and I can't have you wallowing in self-doubt, okay? And one day and, honest, I'd stake money on this Sophia herself will know that and be grateful to you. Okay?' he finished.

'Okay,' I said. I suddenly felt so much better. 'I tell you what, though, John. You might not be Dr b.l.o.o.d.y Kildare, as you put it. But you're a brilliant mind reader. Derren Brown, eat your heart out.'

I left smiling, but John had been absolutely right. Little by little, over the last few months, I had lost all confidence in my ability to do what I did. I climbed into the car feeling drained. And though I accepted what he'd said to me, I still wasn't sure what good I'd really done. I pulled my phone out to call Mike, thinking I'd just touch base with him, but in that instant I decided I needed to speak to someone else. Someone else who, happily, these days, didn't live too far away.

I checked the time. Just past twelve thirty. That would be perfect.

It was Justin I called, and he answered immediately. 'Hey, Casey!' he said. 'How are you?'

'All the better for speaking to you,' I told him. 'Fancy a McDonald's for lunch?'

Silly question, I thought. Was the Pope Catholic?

It took less than ten minutes for me to drive from John's office to where Justin now lived with his new foster family, and I arrived just as he turned the corner of the street. He always came home for lunch, and after catching up with, and getting the okay from, his foster mum, Glynis, I drove us both to the closest McEatery.

It had been a while since he'd left us, and though we kept in touch by phone regularly I'd purposely avoided being in touch too much, as it was important he settle with his new family.

But it was so good to see him, it felt like medicine.

He'd slimmed down, and also grown a fair bit since I'd last seen him at 13 now, he was a good head taller than I was, and looked both well and, most importantly, happy. I felt so proud when he told me he was in the school football team now one of the things that we'd really tried to engage him in was football; as in playing it, as opposed to sitting at a PlayStation operating the finger controls. I also glowed when he told me how lovely it was to see me. 'An' you look just the same, Casey! No older, I swear it.'

'Oh, you flatterer,' I teased him. 'Practising for chatting up the girls?'

I was most thrilled, however, to hear about his little sister the baby his mother had had when he'd been with us, and whose existence, given how cruelly his mother had abandoned him, caused a lot of the heartache in his already desperate young life. He'd seen her recently, and it seemed regular contact was in place now, and I prayed for that state of affairs to continue.

And when I dropped him back at school it was with a real sense of hope for the future, as a boy waved and jogged across to walk back in with him.

'So why you up here, anyway?' Justin wanted to know, as he opened the car door.

I smiled. 'Honest truth? I just needed one of your big hugs.'

He looked at me for a moment, as he processed the simple statement. Then he leaned across and threw both of his now strong teenage arms around me, completely unselfconsciously, even though his mate was looking on.

'Sounds like a deal,' he said, releasing me, and grinning from ear to ear. 'You get hugs and I get a Big Mac meal. Come again soon!'

And with that, he was gone. And I thought I might cry again, but, instead, a sudden strength flooded through me, which chased all the threatened tears away. Justin was positive proof that I could do something useful. It was with a heart so much lighter than it had been in months that I headed back south, to visit Sophia.

Chapter 26.

She looked beautiful, lying in her hospital bed, asleep. Really beautiful, just like her mother had. And so peaceful. How b.l.o.o.d.y wretched, I couldn't help thinking, to find peace of mind only when you were sleeping.

She was still hazy, I'd been told, about what she'd done to herself. She'd had it explained that she'd need to stay in hospital for a couple of weeks, and had apparently accepted this quite meekly. The sister who had greeted me seemed clear on one thing, however: that Sophia knew she was sick and in need of their help.

I didn't want to wake her, so I just sat nearby, in case she did stir, and contented myself with remembering John's a.s.surances. I hadn't failed her. And even if it felt like I had, I was still here for her, and could support her for as long as she needed. If she wanted me to, I could be there.

'Poor love,' said a young nurse now, in hushed tones, as she pa.s.sed. 'So young and so lovely. Why can't they see, eh? Everything to live for, yet they can't seem to see it, can they?' She looked from Sophia to me, then. 'Sorry, are you her mum?'

I shook my head. 'Foster mum.'

The nurse's expression changed then, as the complicated nature of Sophia's probable situation became clearer. It wasn't hard to make the leap, after all. You had a foster mum, you had problems at home. If you had a home at all. Whatever the reason, you weren't with your real family. But she didn't enquire further, just sighed a knowing sigh. She'd probably seen all sorts, as well.

I didn't expect Sophia to wake up because they'd already told me they'd given her a sedative. Time enough, I thought, to face the grim reality of her future when the emotional turmoil of the night's events not to mention the implications for her Addison's management had been properly addressed.

But just as I stood up, after half an hour or so with her, her eyelids flickered open and once she saw who it was she smiled a funny little smile. It really hit me then, stripped of all the make-up, all the artifice, just how young and how vulnerable she really was.

I placed a hand over hers. 'Hey,' I said. 'How you doing, sweetie?'

She blinked. 'Um, I'm not quite sure,' she said sleepily. 'Okay, I think.' She seemed to ponder. 'And hungry.'

This was something I could do for her, definitely. 'I'll get someone to see about some food for you then, shall I?'

She nodded slightly. 'That would definitely be good.'

I walked across to the nurse who'd spoken to me earlier, who was now at the nursing station, close by, writing some notes. 'I know its way past lunchtime,' I said, 'but do you think there's any chance of getting Sophia something to eat? If it's allowed, that is. Some toast or something, maybe? With Marmite, if you have it. She loves salty things,' I added. 'It's part of her condition.'

The nurse nodded. 'Oh, yes. I'm sure that's fine.' She checked a note. 'She's not nil by mouth or anything. And we can always do toast,' she said, smiling at Sophia brightly. She raised her voice a little. 'Toast, love? We're famed for our toast on Ward 8, we are.'

I didn't doubt it. It was a young persons' unit, full of teenagers. Voracious appet.i.tes were probably the order of the day. At least for those recovering, at any rate.

'There,' I said, going back to Sophia's bedside. 'All sorted. But I'm going to have to leave you to it, now, I'm afraid. Got to get home and start on Mike and Kieron's tea. Shall I come back tomorrow?'

'Will you?' she seemed genuinely keen to hear that.

'Of course,' I said. 'Right here. Same time, same channel.' I hovered a moment, unsure whether to do what felt suddenly instinctive. And did it anyway. I leaned over and placed a kiss on her forehead.

'See you tomorrow, then, Sophia, love,' I said.