Part 15 (1/2)

I had jumped up from my sun lounger now. 'Sophia! Are you mad?' I jabbed a finger towards Levi, who was now really screaming, the weal on his tiny leg reddening even as we watched. 'Look!' I snapped. 'Look what you've done! What were you thinking?!'

Thinking nothing, I realised, even as I shouted. She just did it. An instinct as natural to her as breathing. Hit. Lash out at someone. Hurt.

Riley had by now s.n.a.t.c.hed Levi up from his pram. She was almost beside herself, I could tell. She looked straight at me, perhaps sensing my hesitation about how best to handle this. Because I did hesitate. The only thing certain right now was that our nice girlie day in the garden was over.

'Don't you dare, Mum. Don't try to pacify her, okay?' She turned to Sophia. 'Go on. Get out of my sight! I can't even bear to look at you!'

Sophia's own expression had now morphed from shock to defiance. Or, perhaps worse, to that glazed, look-right-through-you mask she had. 'f.u.c.k you!' she spat at Riley. 'f.u.c.k you both! You f.u.c.king hate me!'

'Sophia!' I shot back at her, matching her decibel for decibel. 'Go to your room now! Don't you dare start all that again!'

I could feel my anger building to unmanageable levels. In contrast to Friday, when I'd felt the stuffing had been knocked out of me, here, just like Riley, I felt pure maternal rage. This was my daughter and my grandson and it was my job to protect them. If she defied me again now, I knew I might not be responsible for my actions. I needed to calm everything down, fast.

'Go!' I yelled again. 'Just go!'

And, to my relief, she must have seen something in my expression. 'Oh, don't worry,' she answered. 'I'm going, all right!'

She ran inside then, but even before I could feel my pulse slowing she was back in the conservatory doorway, waving her packets of pills and emergency steroid injection kit in front of her. 'And I'm locking this lot in my room with me!' she called to us. 'You like that kid more than you like me, do you, Casey? Well, let's see how you feel when I'm dead!'

With that, she ran inside again, and even from the garden both of us could hear the sound of her thundering up the stairs. I looked at Riley, whose face was immobilised by shock. Even Levi had stopped crying now, transfixed. Then it hit me, and hard. This was serious. This was potentially fatal. I had no idea what an overdose of all those drugs could do to her, but I certainly had enough imagination to guess, and I wasn't about to take any chances.

'Oh, G.o.d ...' I said, springing into action and racing inside after her. I took the stairs two at a time and was at her door in moments. I knocked loudly. 'Sophia! Open this door right now!'

'f.u.c.k off!' her voice cracked, she yelled so loud. It was almost unrecognisable. 'I'm going the same way my mother did, I swear to you! I'm doing it! Now f.u.c.k off and leave me alone!'

I inhaled slowly. I was still breathless. There was sweat beading on my forehead. 'Look, Sophia,' I said. 'What you did was wrong, and you know that. But it isn't the end of the world!' I struggled then, trying to come up with the best things to say, the image of her sitting on her bed, popping pill after pill ... how many did she have of them, for G.o.d's sake? I knew Riley'd said not to pacify her, but this was serious. I did not want to have a dead child on my hands. Or my conscience. Oh, G.o.d ...

'Just come out, love,' I tried. 'Riley's calmed down now. She was just shocked. As she would be, but it's all going to be ...'

'f.u.c.k off!!!' she screamed again, though she was becoming incoherent. She just kept repeating the words, over and over and over, intermittently screaming and laughing hysterically. G.o.d only knew what was going on in that room. I wished desperately for Mike. He would know what to do here. At the very least he'd be able to barge the b.l.o.o.d.y door open.

'Sophia!' I called again, trying to break through the cacophony. 'If you don't come out now, I'm going to have to call for an ambulance!'

As threats went, this was hardly a big one, I knew. But at least they would be able to get into the room with her. They had to.

'Ambulance!' she screamed back at me. 'You think I need a f.u.c.king ambulance? Well, go on, and while you're at it, call the f.u.c.king police as well! Because, I swear to you, I'm going to murder the f.u.c.king lot of you! When you're all tucked up in bed asleep, just you wait! I f.u.c.king will! I've done it before, you f.u.c.king b.i.t.c.h, and I'll do it again, you hear? f.u.c.k you!'

'Mum!' Riley's voice. She was at the bottom of the stairs, holding Levi, beckoning me down. 'Mum, come on. Come down. This is pointless.'

I could see just how shocked she was she'd obviously heard everything. She beckoned again, and I realised she was right. It was pointless. I rattled down the stairs and followed her into the kitchen. Sophia was still ranting and screaming upstairs, so at least I knew she wasn't slipping into unconsciousness.

Riley pa.s.sed me the phone. 'Go on. Call that ambulance. Do it now.'

I took the phone from her, feeling a chill running through me. I've done it before and I'll do it again, she'd said. And the suicide attempts. She'd made previous suicide attempts. I didn't know what or who to believe any more.

Riley put Levi back in his pram he'd now been stunned into silence then made coffee as I called 999 and gave the details. I also phoned John and gave him a brief resume, promising to call him back and update him once the paramedics had arrived.

We then went into the conservatory, and I lit a much-needed, calm-before-the-certain-storm cigarette. It felt bizarre but the noise above us was comforting. All the while she was making it, I knew she was conscious. And, unable to get in, there was nothing else I could do but wait for the sound of the sirens.

'Oh, G.o.d, Mum,' said Riley. 'I had no idea things were this bad. This is madness. Utter madness. How do you cope with all this stuff?'

I didn't know, so I couldn't answer. So I just shrugged instead. 'How's Levi? I'm so sorry, love, I really am. That was just horrible.'

'He'll be fine,' she said. 'His leg is a bit red, but he'll survive. I just can't believe that she did that, you know? How could anyone hit a tiny, defenceless baby like that?'

I nodded. Though I knew, in truth, that the answer was 'all too easily'. In the real world, some people hit babies. A tragic fact.

She trailed off. We both did. We just sat there in silence as upstairs the bangs and crashes and screams and rants continued. As Riley said, the whole thing felt like madness.

But it was only minutes, thankfully, before an ambulance arrived, and on the doorstep there soon stood two capable-looking paramedics, one of whom, I was pleased to note, was Phil, whom I'd met on Friday at the high school.

'Here we are again, then!' he said, cheerfully, which calmed me greatly. At least, I thought, he knows what he's dealing with. Up to a point.

The other paramedic was a woman, who introduced herself as Bev.

'Right,' she said, as Phil headed straight off up the stairs. 'What's the history to all this kerfuffle, then?'

Riley and I exchanged a look. I hardly knew where to start.

Chapter 21.

In the end, Sophia didn't put up much of a fight with Phil, the paramedic. No sooner had he gone upstairs than the racket had ceased, his rap on the bedroom door and their subsequent exchange of words being replaced by the low murmur of calm conversation and then, eventually, a rea.s.suring silence. From downstairs in the kitchen, in my still-raddled state, he had made subduing Sophia all seem ridiculously easy and I wondered why he'd succeeded where I'd failed.

'I'm so sorry to have called you out again,' I said, when he came back downstairs and I'd seen off a now-rea.s.sured Riley. 'You must think I'm hopeless.'

He shook his head. 'Absolutely not,' he rea.s.sured me, accepting a cup of tea from Bev. Somehow, in the midst of everything, she had made a pot for us all. It was some measure of the kind of state I must be in that I accepted one too. I can't stand tea.

'You did the right thing,' Phil said with conviction. 'That's what we're here for.'

Bev had said as much when I'd outlined some of the background to the outburst, and had reminded me that it wasn't in any sense silly to have called them. I should indeed, must take all her threats seriously. She had the means with which to kill herself, and having stated her intention it would be irresponsible if I hadn't made the 999 call.

'Anyway, it's all calm up there now, love, so don't worry. I've given her a mild sedative had to, to calm her down, and get her to take her medication. She was adamant she was never taking any, ever again well, at least till she realised that I wasn't taking ”no” for an answer, that is.'

'So she hadn't taken any pills then?'

Phil shook his head. 'She said not, and I believe her. Here.' He spread a haul of drugs onto the table for me to look at, including the emergency injection kit. 'Not unless she has some other secret stash squirrelled away.'

I felt relief flood through me. 'She can't have more. I can only get a limited amount on repeat prescription, and it looks like it's all there.'

'Nothing to worry about anyway. Well, obviously, you'll want to speak to her doctor about the whole situation, of course ' he said, grimacing. 'But an overdose of hydrocortisone isn't life-threatening anyway. Not in the short term. Hugely harmful if done over the long term, as you probably already knew, but, as a one-off it's not a goer if you want to be a goner.'

I couldn't help smiling. But the smile didn't stay on my face long. She was still up there, after all. Still very much my problem. And Phil's sympathetic expression told me he understood. 'Thanks so much,' I said gratefully. 'So she's sleeping now, is she?'

'Like a baby. And I doubt she'll stir till morning now, so you can enjoy a bit of breathing s.p.a.ce. Keep an eye on her, obviously, but don't be surprised if you don't hear a peep till tomorrow. Not after the fight she put up, and that sedative.'

I looked at my watch. It was still only 3.30 in the afternoon. Yet the morning suddenly seemed a lifetime ago. I felt very tired.