Part 35 (1/2)
She'd hoped the change in Gideon would extend to an easier relations.h.i.+p with humanity. So far, she had witnessed no such merciful amnesty. To her sorrow, Gideon's immediate tension was visible whenever strangers set foot in this private kingdom. Her brief optimism that she'd found a remedy to his affliction faded further every time she saw him pale and recoil from other people.
He wasn't cured. Not by a long way. She fervently thanked heaven every day that he could touch her. But so far, his recovery advanced no further than that.
She knew when she looked into his eyes that he believed it never would.
That wasn't the only trouble nicking at the skein of sensual delight entwining her. For all its myriad pleasures, her new life was hollow at its center. The unspoken pain bit most at moments of purest happiness. Like now.
Gideon told her she was beautiful. He told her how much he wanted her. She had no doubts he desired her with endless hunger. But even when she felt they united into one being, words of love never escaped her husband's lips. She knew him well enough to interpret his silence as deliberate.
Nor did he mention his plans for when they left Jersey. It was as though these weeks they shared now existed outside time.
Coward that she was, she let him get away with avoiding the subject. She'd exhausted her store of courage standing up to him after their marriage. Now she was terrified that too many awkward questions would shatter their delicate bliss. Perhaps because with every day, the threat of leaving him plowed deeper furrows in her heart. She couldn't bear to hear him say he still meant them to separate. Although his silence on the matter indicated he hadn't relinquished his original scheme.
Her arm firmed around his waist as she laid an unspoken claim, defying his right to forsake her. But the words insisting he tell her what he intended crammed in her throat.
”Charis, it's midnight,” he said with greater emphasis, then glanced at the clock. ”Five past.”
His unusual obsession with the time pierced her troubled reflections. She looked up in puzzlement. ”Is that important?”
He kissed her quickly on the mouth. ”You've lost track of the days, haven't you?”
”Lost track...” Perplexed, she blinked at him. Hard to marshal coherent thought when his kisses sent her spinning into dazzling Elysium.
His lips curved in the tender smile that always made her poor adoring heart somersault. ”It's the first of March. Happy birthday, my darling.”
Her birthday...
Stiffening, she drew away. She forced her befuddled mind to calculate back. So difficult to count paradise in minutes and hours. She'd barely been aware whether it was day or night. Gideon lit her life like the sun. She needed no other fire in her heavens.
”You have possession of your fortune.” She couldn't define his tone. He didn't sound particularly triumphant. He kissed her again, more gently this time. ”We won, Charis.”
They'd vanquished her stepbrothers. She was safe. Relief filtered through her. And fear that now the threat pa.s.sed, everything would change between her and Gideon.
She forced herself to speak though she knew he wouldn't want to hear what she said. ”Because of you.” She swallowed and continued in a voice that vibrated with emotion. ”I owe you everything.”
”I don't want your grat.i.tude.” His expression hardened, and he sat up. His arm slid away from her. Worse, his emotional withdrawal was unmistakable as frost in the air.
”Well, you've got it. Forever.” She mustered the courage that lately had been so sadly lacking. The murky currents swirling beneath the bright surface would no longer be denied. Her tone developed an edge. ”I can be grateful to you and love you. The two aren't mutually exclusive.”
She hadn't mentioned love since the morning he'd surrendered to l.u.s.t and leaped on her. Always, even at the peak of s.e.xual pleasure when her whole world was Gideon, she'd bitten back the words. His silence had fed hers.
Her wisdom in restraining any declaration became abundantly clear. He surged to his feet and regarded her with the wary expression she'd hoped never to see again. The hollow in her heart resonated as if a huge mourning bell clanged inside it.
”Charis, it's our last night on Jersey,” he said somberly, ignoring her challenge. Although his guarded eyes told her he'd heard her. ”Tomorrow we sail for Penrhyn,”
No, no, no, no, no.
”We're leaving?” Her question rang with dismay.
Could the tenuous bond she'd established with him outlast a return to daily life? Here she was the center of his existence. She wasn't vain enough to expect that to continue forever. But she needed longer to make him completely hers.
Did he even intend to keep her with him?
Grim foreboding swamped her. Was this her ration of joy, these few glorious days on Jersey?
Reluctant amus.e.m.e.nt quirked his lips. ”We have to go at some point, you know.”
Blindly, she lurched up and turned away, fisting her shaking hands in her skirts. His attempt at lightness grated, hurt. He treated her like an easily distracted child. ”Not yet.”
She heard him approach, then his hand curved around her arm. She felt the roughness of his scars against her bare skin. His touch reminded her of his suffering and how far he'd come since they'd married.
Had he come far enough?
His voice was warm, encouraging. ”There's no need to be frightened. You've reached your majority. The Farrells can't harm you. We're free.”
He misunderstood her reaction. Of course the threat of Felix and Hubert had darkened her days. But more important by far was her endless battle for a future with Gideon.
”We're not free. We're married,” Charis said in a m.u.f.fled voice, bending her head.
He released her with an abrupt gesture and stepped away. She felt the distance like the blow of an ax. ”If I could have devised another way to save you, I wouldn't have forced you into such drastic action,” he said curtly.
The sweet concord of minutes ago was only a bitter memory. The suddenness of the change left her staggering in its wake. She turned to face him, knowing her pain was naked in her face. ”You know I'm always grateful for...”
”Enough!” One ruined hand sliced the tense air. ”If I hear the word grateful once more, I won't be responsible for the consequences.”
”But, Gideon...”
”Devil take you, Charis, stop!” He paused, visibly fighting for composure. Bitterness frayed his voice, and his shoulders were ruler straight with tension. ”Really, you shouldn't thank me. As it's turned out, our marriage was precipitate. Your stepbrothers haven't traced us. We didn't need to take such permanent measures. I can only offer my profoundest regrets.”
The sharp slap resounded like the report of a bullet.
Gideon's head whipped back, and his expression registered shock rather than anger. The red imprint of her hand darkened his cheek.
The grim, echoing silence extended. And extended.
Shaking, Charis lowered her arm and backed away on unsteady legs. She wasn't frightened. She was so furious, her vision turned black.
”How dare you?” Her voice lowered to trembling vehemence. ”You've had me in your bed. You've been so deep inside me, you've touched my soul. Yet you have the gall to talk about regret?”
”What I've done to you is unforgivable,” he said harshly. As shock receded, rage lit his black eyes. ”And yes, I do regret that I've hurt you.”
Her fragile happiness shattered around her with a sharp crack that sounded like a heart breaking. Her lips felt stiff as she voiced her worst fears. ”You can't mean to follow your original plan, that we should lead separate lives?”
His jaw set like stone. ”The basic difficulties remain. It still seems the best solution.”
Agony stabbed her, stole her breath, made her stumble back a step. She felt betrayed, devastated, lost. Somewhere, she found strength to speak. ”Is that what you want?”
”It doesn't matter what I want. I'm trying to do what's best for you.”
She clenched her fists at her sides. Either that or batter at him like a madwoman. She loved him more than her life. And at this moment, if one of his pistols had been in reach, she'd happily have put a bullet through his thick skull. ”So these last days mean nothing? You can't expect me to believe that. You've found happiness in my arms, Gideon. Don't ever lie about that.”