Part 8 (1/2)

”Your coffee group?” coffee group?” Julie chuckled, with a little too much condescension in her voice. ”G.o.d. My G.o.d, that sounds like 1950s with white gloves and cute little ca.s.seroles. You mean the church ladies?” Julie chuckled, with a little too much condescension in her voice. ”G.o.d. My G.o.d, that sounds like 1950s with white gloves and cute little ca.s.seroles. You mean the church ladies?”

Mel must've been working to keep a kind look on her face. Julie was impressed.

”The altar guild. My friend Elaine lost her husband to cancer three years ago. It was her faith that really pulled her through. There really is no death.”

”You're only in that group because you have the hots for Father Joe,” Julie blurted, and then quickly apologized.

”It's not like Episcopal priests can't marry,” Mel said, shrugging.

”We all go to heaven,” Livy suddenly said, her small, wise voice a bit of a surprise.

”That's right, honey,” Mel said.

”I don't know,” Toni said. ”A lot of people believe different. Death is just a problem of our vision. You know, how we see things upside down? How our eyes work? Our mind works that way, too. We go on. We just can't see it.”

”Not your ghost c.r.a.p again,” Mel said, a bit under her breath.

”If you have your s.e.xy Jesus, Mom can have her spooks.”

Mel shot her a look, then glanced at Livy, as if to say, what kind of talk is that around your daughter? what kind of talk is that around your daughter? ”Wait just a second, sweetie,” Toni said. ”They're not spooks. And I'm only a lapsed Catholic, not a heretic. I believe in heaven.” She motioned for Livy to come sit on her lap. ”Wait just a second, sweetie,” Toni said. ”They're not spooks. And I'm only a lapsed Catholic, not a heretic. I believe in heaven.” She motioned for Livy to come sit on her lap.

Livy looked a little frightened, but Julie gave her the nod. Livy went over, and climbed aboard the Gramma Express. ”Spirituality doesn't start or stop with a church or a dogma. What is out there is out there. I'm not going to sit here and say that one group has cornered the market on the truth of existence.”

”Is daddy a spirit-chew-aliddy?”

Toni kissed her granddaughter on the top of the head. ”Different people believe different things, sweetie. Some people believe we come back as newborns. Some people believe we go to heaven. Some people believe we never really leave. Some go, some stay, some come back. Like when babies are born. Maybe they're old souls.

Who knows?” She kissed Livy on the top of her scalp. ”I think you're an old soul, sweetie.”

”Wow,” Livy said.

”I bet in your last life you were a brilliant doctor like your daddy.” Then, Toni looked over at Matt.

Matt had his camera on and it was aimed at her. ”I'm on Candid Camera Candid Camera.”

”I like when you talk about this stuff,” Matt said, fiddling with the lens.

”Okay,” Toni said. ”I think I was a sherpa in my last life.”

”Is that like a shepherd?” Livy asked.

”Mom,” Julie said, sternly. She felt a severe headache coming on.

”What? Reincarnation's as valid as anything,” her mother said. Then, she gave her that look that Julie hadn't seen in years-it was one of her ”Take a life lesson” looks. ”You want to live a happy life, Juliet, you start thinking about what comes after. It'll put a lot of things in place for you.”

”It's like a nice fairy tale to tell kids,” Matt said, ”but the truth is, there's nothing after you die.” He spoke so suddenly that it was like a shock through the room. He pivoted the camera around to look at Julie. ”It's like the fairy tales about wicked stepmothers.”

Toni chuckled. ”That's a zinger, Matt. Do you ever come out from behind the camera?”

Matt put the camera down and stared at Julie and then her mother. ”Talk talk talk,” he said. ”That's all anyone does. My father dies and it's all about blah blah blah.”

He got up and stomped out of the room as if he'd been insulted.

”Teenagers,” Livy said, as if she'd heard this from her mother. Livy said, as if she'd heard this from her mother.

”Shouldn't you go to him?” Toni asked, hugging Livy. She had an expression on her face that was halfway between being aghast and ashamed. ”That boy needs you.”

”He'll be fine, Mom. Don't b.u.t.t in where you don't know...”

”Sometimes my daughters can be so cold,” her mother said, in a whisper meant to float over Livy's head. Then, more softly, ”Children need to talk about death. About what happens afterward. About where we go.”

”Where do we go?” Livy asked.

”Upstairs, sweetie,” Toni said. ”Upstairs, only when we're alive, we don't know where upstairs goes.”

8.

Julie couldn't take her mother anymore, and left the room. As she went up the stairs, to her bedroom, she heard Mel say something about sleep and shock and Julie almost felt like going back down there and just telling them all to get out of her house and leave her and her kids alone, and wondered how much she could get away with-how cruel and mean she could get and still be forgiven later-how much slack did you get when your husband was murdered out in the woods by a psychopath?

She lay down on her bed, covering her head with the pillow, and submerged into sleep.

9.

In a dream, his head was between her legs, and his tongue circled lazily, one circle wetly moved into another, opening her, with a kind of pressure of pleasure that disturbed her even while her body gave in to it. Hut whispered, his voice soft and vulnerable, like a little boy who has just discovered a new forbidden hideout, ”Ah, yes. I love it. I love the taste. I love the smell. I want to be inside you. I want to dive into it. You're the lake, and I want to swim through you.”

Her pelvis began to buck involuntarily, and she hated herself for the feeling she was having, which was not pleasure, but some kind of mechanical movement as if she had no control over her body and it had no connection to her mind, but was a machine that just moved back and forth and up and down when someone put coins in-knowing that Hut was gone, knowing that this was not really him, knowing she was in a dirty, filthy dream where nasty words were said that she'd never uttered in real life nor had he, and s.h.i.+very forbidden fantasies could exist, and the reality of the world, of death, was beyond this.

10.