Part 9 (1/2)

”Yes!”

”You never got tired?”

She looked at me and kind of laughed. ”It's weird, I know, but I never did.”

I was genuinely puzzled. ”Did you never get sick? Too sick to play dog, I mean?”

She appeared to think about it and then shook her head.

I was silent a moment, thinking.

”Sometimes,” she began, ”I really thought sometimes...like...like I was a dog. Like maybe I was a dog in another life or something. I was comfortable with it. Everything he wanted me to do seemed natural. It seemed natural to have to eat dog food and beg for table sc.r.a.ps. Chasing the ball for him. All of it...seemed natural. When he would pet me, you know, when he would pat my head-I can't describe it. It was like I felt how a real dog would feel. He was my master and I wanted his approval. I needed it.”

”You needed it...s.e.xually?”

”No!” She shook her head emphatically. ”I loved pleasing him that way, too, but what I needed was just to please him, period, as his dog.” She looked at me dismally. ”What am I now?”

I took a deep breath. ”So your need to please him was your need...as a dog?” I repeated.

”Yes! It was like I had the needs of a dog.”

”Had you ever had feelings of being a dog or any other animal before your husband gave you the collar?” I asked.

She thought about this, then shook her head. ”I don't think so.”

But we had run out of time. I felt certain I was onto something.

And I was preoccupied with thoughts of Tom. I wondered how his session with Dr. Czernick was going. This week with him has been remarkable-his efforts are having an effect on me. He's so much like when we first met. I find myself thinking about him all the time now. I didn't think that I still had feelings for him, but clearly I do. Surely they are worth exploring.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009.

I have not had the opportunity to listen to the tape of my session with Dr. Czernick today as there is simply too much going on, but I'm beginning to realize that I have been way off base about him anyway. It occurred to me today that my suspicions were really a kind of denial. Clearly I was not ready to look at my own issues, so I distracted myself with delusions about Dr. Czernick. I'm so glad now that I didn't confide in anyone about what I was thinking!

It appears that Tom's sessions have worked wonders. Unlike me, Tom has not been resisting his therapy. I am now wondering why I have been fighting it so hard. Perhaps I had some kind of misguided fear that I could not have it all. That I must give up something if I am to succeed at my practice.

In fact, with things so peaceful at home, I feel clearer than ever with my patients. I realized today, for instance, that Eleanor Dobbs suffers from a mixed delusional disorder, which brings about hallucinations that she is a dog. I'm not even sure anymore that these experiences she relates with her husband ever really happened. I have written her a prescription for an antipsychotic and we will begin cognitive behavioral therapy immediately.

I think today I had the epiphany that Tom has been waiting for. It came in the form of twelve very stunning white carnations that were delivered here this morning. All day long, their delightful scent has acted as a reminder of how sweet it is to be loved. Tonight is the first night of the rest of our lives together!

Tom heard the front door, indicating that Angela was home, and he smiled. How long had it been since he felt excited to see her at night? Too long, and he had all but given up. It had become impossible to make her happy.

He felt a brief twinge of guilt.

But then he saw her expression as she came to him-her shy smile-and he was reminded of how she used to look at him when they first fell in love. It was worth the price, surely, he a.s.sured himself. The end would justify the means. He would use Dr. Czernick's therapy only so far as it was beneficial to them both. He would not take advantage of it or of her.

Angela's manner, so happy and appreciative, made him feel omnipotent, and a wave of protectiveness for her rushed over him.

Mostly there was relief. He could finally relax and trust his own instincts. He could be himself, without worrying that every little action was going to offend. Yet he promised himself yet again that he would not take advantage of her. He knew that with power came responsibility.

Tom noticed the arousal in Angela's eyes and he felt his heart jump. She came to him-willingly? Yes, he insisted adamantly as he pushed aside another wave of guilt. She was clearly willing-and happy.

Tom gently took Angela's face in his hands and brushed his lips over hers every so lightly and tenderly, almost apologetically. She pulled his head closer and kissed him back hungrily. Her response activated the various pent-up emotions in him, triggering an eruption that sent a harsh shudder through him. His earlier guilt was suddenly buried under the anger and resentment that had been building and churning within him for all of these years. It was Angela who had brought their marriage to this point! His embrace turned almost violent in defense of his own actions, and he grasped her head firmly in his hands as he crushed her lips in an all-encompa.s.sing kiss. He felt her shudder in response, and it gave him a sense of power to have that effect on her. In turns, he kept alternating from tenderness to fury, and she responded to both equally. Everything he did seemed to fan the flames of her desire. Her response triggered his, and the kiss became an ardent embrace that left them both gasping for breath. And suddenly everything else was lost to the kiss; she kind of melted against him in a minisurrender as he held her steady in his arms, all the while continuing to ravage her mouth, even nipping at her lightly with his teeth. He could feel the heat emanating off of him, and even his breath seemed as if it might scorch her as it flared from his nostrils.

With every advance from Tom, it seemed that Angela became more pliant and yielding. Was this what she needed from him all along, or was it simply that he could now do no wrong? Tom was beginning not to care. Angela was clinging to him as if she needed him. For whatever reason, she needed him.

Tom struggled to control the overwhelming sense of power he felt over Angela. Her response filled him with confidence. He suddenly picked her up and carried her straight to their bedroom without interrupting their kiss. She appeared to be as consumed by the pa.s.sion as he was. He felt he could kiss her for hours. Since she wasn't complaining that his face was too rough, or his body heat was too cloistering, or anything else she might have said before, he took his time, suddenly wanting to make up for all the lost years. He kissed her leisurely and thoroughly as he laid her out on the bed beneath him. It almost seemed as if he could erase the anguish of all the unhappy years of their marriage if only he could kiss her long enough. Surely that would heal both of their wounds and make it worth the price.

But with so much more pleasure to be had, Tom eventually became distracted from their kiss in his desire to touch Angela's body. His hands moved slowly and introspectively over her body, simultaneously caressing and probing, lingering over every nuance as if he were discovering her for the first time. Here and again he would carefully remove a piece of her clothing, clearing it out of his way decidedly and unapologetically. Where before there had been withholding and restraint, there now was utter freedom. Angela was his willing wife, for him to do with as he wished. He found that he wished to punish and please, both at the same time.

The scant clothing that remained was suddenly in his way. Tom tore at it fitfully. He wanted to see every single inch of her that instant. A part of him felt that he was fully ent.i.tled. All that had previously been forbidden or out of bounds was his by right. He would take all of it-and then some. Where before he had meekly accepted what little crumbs she tossed in his direction, he now would not be satisfied with anything less than all of it. He wanted to push the limits. Later, he would make it up to her, but for the moment he was still too well aware of a score to settle.

With this in mind, Tom bared Angela's body fully to his gaze, moving his hands over her body again and again as he drank in the sight of her. He loved the way she looked and wanted to set every inch to memory. Out of some misguided instinct, she tried to cover her nakedness with her hands, but he grasped her hands in his and placed them firmly at her sides.

”Let me see you,” he said earnestly. He wanted to look at the woman he had married. And he wanted her to submit to him willingly. This was still a bone of contention for him. And yet he saw that it was shyness, not willfulness, that caused her reaction. ”It's okay,” he told her, wanting to put her mind at ease. ”The sight of you brings me pleasure. It excites me to look at you here,” he said, lifting her b.r.e.a.s.t.s gently in his hands. ”And here-” he moved his hands down along the length of her stomach ”-and here.” He cupped his hands lovingly over her mound. ”I love looking at you, Angela,” he told her truthfully. He saw that his words had the desired effect, and she visibly relaxed.

From where he held her cupped in his hand, he could feel her wetness.

”Open your legs,” he said in a husky voice, and he exulted when she obeyed. He leaned in to reward her obedience with a light kiss to her nether lips, but he became fully diverted and enthralled when he felt them tremble and part with his touch. He grasped her hips gently but firmly to hold her in place as he flicked out his tongue and licked the trembling flesh up and down along its parted folds. He once again felt a sense of power when she jumped and trembled. He slipped his tongue between her silken folds to capture more of the tantalizing taste of her. It drove him temporarily out of his mind, and he delved into her wholeheartedly, licking and sucking at her furiously, devouring her like a man half-starved. She shuddered and jerked, but he held her steady with his hands.

Tom knew well, after all these years, how to please Angela best-although it had been a while, it was something he would never forget-and she squirmed in delight under the effect of his administrations. But he refused to let her be satisfied-yet. Tonight, he wanted much more from her. He was suddenly overcome with an almost childish greed, and he felt gluttonous with power. He could have stayed and feasted between her legs for much longer, but he could see that she was becoming too excited. He would distract her with a slight intermission.

Tom, too, had become aroused to the point of impatience. Yet he had no intention of holding back his own pleasure. On the contrary, his efforts to enhance her pleasure would be more effective if he were to get some relief now. He wanted to keep her highly aroused and teetering on pins and needles, and to do that, he would have to maintain the upper hand.

”It's your turn,” he told her, removing his pants and rising up over her. Without hesitation, she got up onto her knees and grasped hold of him with both hands. ”Use your mouth,” he groaned, feeling the tingling sensation curling up in his t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. Angela took him into her mouth eagerly, delighted to reciprocate. She sucked and licked at him playfully, just as he had done with her, and was momentarily surprised and stunned when he grasped her head in his hands and thrust himself into her mouth repeatedly. As he released his warm fluid into her throat, she could do little more than swallow. But when he drew himself out of her, she only stared up at him in surprise. And yet, he noticed with an immense thrill that she was not angry but possibly even pleased. He was once again astounded by the immense change in his wife, and felt strangely humbled by the incredible power he had over her. It would please her no matter what he did! It was still so fresh as to have the ability to shock.

And Tom reminded himself yet again that he must never abuse the power. Even now, he had only allowed himself this release so that he could offer his wife extended pleasure. He had much in store for her, and after waiting so long for any intimacy at all, he couldn't bear to simply sample the great bounty that was there for the taking.

In spite of his o.r.g.a.s.m, Tom was still aroused, but the desperate edge had been taken off his desire. Now he could take his time and they both could enjoy the pleasures to come.

Tom reached under the bed and pulled out the object he had hidden there earlier. Angela gasped when she saw it. She looked at her husband with a mixture of embarra.s.sment and shame.

”You didn't think I knew about this?” he asked, waving the vibrator in front of her face. In spite of his newfound joy, a spark of anger flared up within him yet again. He could not help resenting the months-and even years-of neglect that he suffered while she secretly satisfied her own needs. With effort, he forced the anger back down. He knew that what he had planned for revenge would no doubt please her, too.

Angela stared at the vibrator remorsefully, but she remained silent. Tom softened somewhat, seeing that her expression was one of genuine repentance. And in that instant he was able to forgive her.

”It's okay,” he gently a.s.sured her. ”You're going to use it for both of us this time.” Her eyes widened in surprise when she heard this, but she obediently took the vibrator from his hand. He could see that, although she was still embarra.s.sed, she would not deny him. Yet it might have been the first time she ever touched it, considering how awkwardly she handled it.

”I want you to use it just like you used to when you were alone,” Tom said. ”This time, you'll be pleasing us both with it.”

The vibrator Angela had chosen for herself was a finely crafted implement of pleasure. At a glance, it seemed rather ordinary, having the cla.s.sic shape and feel of a medium-sized p.e.n.i.s and t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. But unlike a real p.e.n.i.s, this simulated one was enhanced with a little appendage that jutted out from the lower front, clearly for the purpose of stimulating the c.l.i.toris while it was in use. Tom had been envious when he first saw it. Technology had surely outdone Mother Nature this time.

Angela rested back on the pillows shyly, clearly uncertain of how to proceed. Yet in spite of her obvious nervousness, there was a definite sparkle of excitement in her eyes. Noticing her uneasiness, Tom rushed himself to a.s.sist her. First he slid in between her legs, opening them wider and preparing a place for himself in the best seat in the house. Next he reached over and adjusted the lamp so that its light shone directly between her open legs. Not only would the light illuminate the event for his view but it would also bring a tantalizing heat to her exposed area that would enhance the experience for Angela. He lifted her hips up so that he could place several pillows beneath them. She was now in a more comfortable position to do what he had asked her to do.

Tom reached up and took hold of Angela's hand that held the vibrator. He encouraged her to bring the vibrator to her mouth.