Part 18 (1/2)

I knocked quietly at Blake's door, even though I had my finger on his key in my pocket. He greeted me with a smile that nearly took my breath away. He was gorgeous in his tired worn-out blue jeans and a simple white T-s.h.i.+rt. His hair was wayward and messy. Despite the long night, he looked rested and happy.

”Hey, beautiful.” He lifted me off my feet and kissed me.

I returned it, slave to the habit of melting into his touch and craving his skin on mine. What the h.e.l.l was I thinking? Nothing about this was going to be remotely easy.

”What do you want for breakfast?”

He lowered me back down but stayed close, twisting a strand of my hair around his finger. I shook my head and looked away, physically incapable of looking at his eyes straight on.

”You okay?”

”Yeah.” I stood there awkwardly, paralyzed. ”Can we...talk?”

”Okay.” His eyes narrowed slightly and he stepped back into the apartment, closing the door behind us. He walked farther in, but I lingered by the door, not wanting to get too comfortable. I couldn't get pulled into the usual routine between us.

I s.h.i.+fted my weight back and forth a few times. He raised his eyebrows a fraction. s.h.i.+t, I should have just emailed him. I couldn't do this face to face.

You can do this. You have to do this.

”I think we need some s.p.a.ce.” My teeth clenched against the tremble that threatened to take over. I fisted my hands, determined not to lose it.

All signs of warmth and humor had left his face. ”What does that mean?” His voice was low, eerily so.

s.h.i.+t, this was happening. This was really happening.

”I'm going to stay at Marie's for a while. I need some time, and I think it would be easier if I wasn't here.”

”Time? How much time?”

”I don't know.”

I had no idea how long. I hadn't nearly given up on the idea that I could get us out of this mess, but I needed time with Daniel to figure out how to get us there. I couldn't risk Blake's life in the meantime. His life... I couldn't gamble with it. The thought of Daniel making good on his threat hit me again-a terrible, sobering thought that gave me the resolve I latched onto now.

If I did nothing else, I would protect him. He'd chosen me, tried to protect me, and now here we were.

”Where the h.e.l.l is this coming from? Did I do something wrong?”

I shook my head, not wanting him to blame himself but knowing he'd probably find a way to anyway.

”Everything is just too much right now. I'm falling behind at work. I can't focus. And then this news about Mark came as such a shock. I haven't really had time to process everything.” Sadly, most of that was true, which was probably the only reason I could get the words out. ”And I can't do that with you around right now.”

He shook his head, his eyes wide. I was leaving the safe world of Blake, slipping further out of his reach.

”No. I-f.u.c.king no. We can figure this out, whatever it is. We haven't even had a chance to talk since I got back, Erica, and now you're dropping this on me?”

I cut him off quickly, afraid to let him take over the conversation. ”I thought about things a lot when you were gone too.” About how much I love you, can't breathe without you. ”And I think this is the best thing right now. I care about you, Bl-”

”You care about me?” His brows knitted tightly together.

I'd struck a chord.

He took a step closer and I stepped back against the door, as if the volume of his voice could knock me down. His anger felt like a physical blow. The venom in his words rapidly worked its way through my system. The tears threatened and I squeezed my eyes closed, fighting them.

”Please, Blake. Just give me time. That's all I'm asking for.” My voice was a whisper.

”Is this about James?”

I let the thought roll over in my mind a moment. He'd handed me a reason, one that would hurt him deeply. I could admit to the lie and he'd believe me. Surely the thought of an infidelity would be devastating enough to sever the love he felt for me, with no question whether I was actually telling him the truth.

I shook my head. I couldn't stomach the backlash that might come from that false admission.

”No. This has nothing to do with James.”

”You're not telling me something, Erica. How do we go from you drunk wanting phone s.e.x to last night, which was amazing by the way, and now this?”

He'd need answers. He wouldn't let me go without them. Maybe after we'd had some time to come to terms with the separation, I could give him some reason that made sense. But not now. Everything was too raw. He'd see right through me.

Too much was unsaid, but I couldn't tell him the truth. He'd go after Daniel, and we'd be in an even bigger mess. Jesus, maybe none of us would survive it. Like a Quentin Tarantino movie where you can't begin to count the b.l.o.o.d.y bodies on the floor. We'd be among them, no one winning. Just one big b.l.o.o.d.y f.u.c.king mess.

”I will always love you,” I whispered, afraid of saying the words with the pa.s.sion I really felt. Once I'd said them, I relaxed a little. The truth felt right, and he needed to know that, if nothing else. ”I know you're angry. You have every right to be, but please don't doubt that.”

He came close, bringing his arm up to rest on the door. I flinched back. Like an abused animal, I'd been hit, and in that split second I expected it. He lowered his hand and stared hard at me. He shoved his hands through his hair. I took a deep breath, wis.h.i.+ng I could tell him who'd planted that fear in me, to take that pain away from him.

This is going to hurt. I was here to deliver the blow, not soften it.

I fumbled with the clasps on my bracelets and lifted the two sparkling bangles to give to him. I hoped for a second that he might take them, accept them, but he stood motionless before me, boring into me with those beautiful hazel eyes. I looked away, hating how they pleaded with me, fearful he'd see right into me. When he wouldn't take them, I stepped past him and set them on the counter with his key.

I turned back to leave.

”Stop.”

I faced the door, my hand on the k.n.o.b, ready to bolt.

He was close. His ragged breath caressed my skin.

”You're doing it again. You're running.”

”I'm not running. I'm leaving.”

”What if I don't let you come back this time? How many times am I going to let you do this to us, for f.u.c.k's sake?”

I clenched my jaw, hating the thought that this might be the last chance he'd give me.

”Look at me, G.o.dd.a.m.nit.” He slammed his palm on the door.