Part 5 (1/2)
My breath caught, but I didn't waste time dwelling on the fear that rooted in my stomach. ”Then let's dig deeper.”
I doubted the words even as I said them, my heartbeat picking up speed again. Blake was already pus.h.i.+ng me past boundaries I didn't even know I had. I was keeping up pretty well, but now, knowing his desires were that vast and beyond me, I couldn't help but feel a little in over my head.
”No.” His voice was quiet but firm.
”Why?” I hoped I'd masked my doubts.
”Because this isn't right. I shouldn't want to...to hurt you or restrain you. It's f.u.c.ked up, and it's the last thing you should have to think about with everything you've been through. I realized that last time. I took things too far. The second I tied you up, I regretted it.”
”Then why didn't you stop?”
He was silent.
”Tell me.”
He sighed. ”Because I knew I could calm you down, show you how to enjoy it.”
”And I did.”
”That doesn't mean anything. I shouldn't have challenged you that way.”
”I want to be challenged, Blake. If this is something you want, I want it too.”
”No, it's not going to be like that. Erica, you can put that right out of your head. You're not going down this road for me. You were...raped, for Christ's sake. My compulsion for control when we're f.u.c.king is the last thing you need. You're not the right person for this.”
A sickness punched me in the gut and my skin chilled. What if I couldn't be what he wanted? What he needed? I could posture all I wanted to in the boardroom, but my need for Blake's love had rooted itself well beyond any conscious control. ”What do you mean?”
He sat up, bringing us chest to chest, warming me with his body. He stroked my back. ”I mean I need to figure this out, for you, for us. Obviously I don't know the first thing about how to turn this off other than avoiding you sometimes. Tonight was...”
”Talking about Cooper set you off.”
He closed his eyes, wincing at whatever memories played in his mind. He opened his eyes and kissed me sweetly.
”You're everything to me, baby. I don't want to move backwards and talk about the past. All that s.h.i.+t I have no control over.”
”Having control over me makes you feel better though,” I whispered.
He nodded. ”I need to change that.”
”What if I don't want you to?”
CHAPTER FOUR.
My favorite redheaded barista set to work preparing our lattes-to-go as Alli tapped her nails on the counter.
”How was your night?” I asked.
”Good. Just a few drinks with the old crew. Yours?”
”Good.” I glanced around the cafe, avoiding eye contact with her.
Blake had tried valiantly to avoid the topic by f.u.c.king me right out of my mind. Even though he was holding back, his strategy had worked famously. I didn't remember falling asleep, too tired and wasted to think about anything.
I wasn't sure how to navigate the gulf between us now. Blake had been a mystery to me in so many ways, but the more I uncovered about him, the more I fell hopelessly in love with the man. We had to figure our way through this somehow. Pulling away from me wasn't going to work.
I looked back to Alli. She lacked the usual glow of energy that added to her natural beauty. Today her eyes were swollen and tired. ”Is everything okay?”
She brightened a bit. ”Yeah, I'm fine.”
”Were you out late?”
”No, actually I came back early.”
I shook my head, confused, and waited for her to continue.
She slouched a little in defeat, letting the fatigue show in her features once more. ”Heath didn't call yesterday. I'm worried.”
”I'm sure everything is fine.”
”We haven't gone a day without talking since he left. I was waiting up for his call, but nothing.”
”I'm sure he'll call today. Don't worry.”
She nodded and chewed her lip.
”Do you want to do the marketing meeting later so you can get some rest?” I placed my hand over hers, wis.h.i.+ng my happy, exuberant friend would resurface. I barely recognized her this way.
”No, I'm fine. You're right. I'm sure it's nothing.” She offered a weak smile.
Simone delivered our java and I paid, adding a generous tip. She waved as we headed back out.
We made the short walk upstairs. Risa was already there. I checked my watch. She was early. She greeted us with every ounce of vivacity that the two of us lacked. She wore black patterned crop pants and a black b.u.t.ton up that came across as impeccably professional. In dark jeans and a Portofino blouse Alli had lent me, I'd taken advantage of the decidedly casual dress code that the guys had established.
”Alli, this is Risa Corvi, our new marketing director.”
Risa held out her hand. ”Alli, great to meet you. I'm so glad we could catch up today.”
”Me too.”
We settled at the small conference table at the far end of the office, and I brought Alli and Risa up to speed.
We had been at it for nearly an hour when Blake walked in, six-feet of delicious. My eyes fixed on him, as if his entrance had somehow sucked all the oxygen out of the room and I was waiting for permission from him to breathe again. I stopped staring long enough to catch Alli and Risa gawking too.
”Am I interrupting?” He flashed me a crooked grin and walked toward us with his hands in his pockets. He was in his usual work uniform, blue jeans and a snug fitting T-s.h.i.+rt advertising the conference we'd been to in Las Vegas. That had been a good trip.
Risa nearly tipped her chair over, jumping out of it to shake his hand, her eyes alight with obvious appreciation. ”You must be Mr. Landon. I'm Risa Corvi.”