Chapter 3 (1/2)

The wine bottle was empty. I put down the bottle and looked at the clock. It was ten thirty already. I went back to the kitchen to take another bottle of wine. Actually, I should not have drank so much. I have a low alcohol tolerance. What if I babble nonsense in front of him? I do not want that to happen. That would be too embarra.s.sing. I am a strong and confident woman. I am determined to keep up my image at whatever cost. Even if the whole world has collapsed, I will still stand on top of the ruins and hold my head high.

How would he think of me, what would he say, I no longer care. He is no longer my husband. In the past, my whole heart was with him, my eyes only looked at him, my ears only listened to his words. Now that we have divorced, my status of a servant has been elevated to a general. I am relieved.

The TV host asked Wen Qian about her first date with her first love. She vaguely answered that it was in the school. I suddenly thought, where did I have my first date with Cheng Rui?

I remembered that it was at a noodle shop in the corner. It was summer. Against the setting sun, the two of us sat inside the small and stuffy shop and ate our beef noodles, sweating profusely. Cheng Rui was a big and unfriendly boy that time. “Missy, you have the time in the world but I rely on myself to earn my keep at night. You can play, but please let me off!”

I grinned from ear to ear, “Do you want another bowl of iced green bean soup?”

He looked troubled. His dignity and appet.i.te were in a battle but he finally chose to abandon his dignity for the bowl of iced green bean soup.

That was our beginning, a poor and young boy who got together with an innocent and young girl. Their story began like any romantic young couple out there. I was attracted to him just by hearing him sing love songs. He was attracted to me just by watching me busy in his small kitchen. At that time, no one would have thought that after many years later, two weary adults would sit down on a table to sign a legal paper t.i.tled ‘Divorce Agreement’.

Many couples can go through thick and skin together, but not all can enjoy the fruit of their labour together.

The doorbell rang. I jumped up, quickly hid the wine bottle and hurriedly rinsed my mouth before opening the door.

Behind the door was actually Yue Ru jie, Cheng Rui’s manager.

It was half past ten, not early anymore. I rushed to the kitchen to make her a cup of lemon tea. When I went out, she was holding and looking at the photo that I threw at the corner earlier on. She said, “You are very cold-hearted once you make the determination to do something.”

I shrugged, “Otherwise, how would you call that determination.”

She took the cup, and started persuading me.

“Everything will turn for the better. You thought that you have reached a dead route, but who knew there would still be a door hiding behind the dark? Both of you will regret for making such a hasty decision.

I asked, “What is happening outside?”

She snickered, “I’ve switched off all my phones but if both of you intended to occupy the headlines, then you all have succeeded. ”

I am a little tired striking this conversation, “Even if you want to help us patch up, you can’t help much now. There are so many people divorcing these days. Why can’t we get a divorce?”

Look, how interesting. When ordinary citizens get a divorce, they would say that it is nothing. Look at how many celebrities are divorcing now. When we get a divorce, we would say that so many people are divorcing, us getting a divorcing is nothing.

Yue Ru jie looked at me, her eyes filled with regret and sympathy. She is a very nice person, just like my big sister. Cheng Rui’s success was partly attributed to her. The both of us are very grateful for her, but she cannot save our marriage.

Finally she said, “There is no room for forgiveness?”

I lowered my head.

“He loves you. I am very sure of this. Those rumours outside, you know, it is for the sake of hype. I know that you feel stressed, but the pressure on him is not small either. I hope you can be more considerate and understand him.”

I laughed, “I have been considerate for six years already.”

“After this period…” she said.

“I heard the same words for six years. When he was not popular, I had to wait for him to be popular. When he was popular, I had to wait for him to be even more popular. I got married but I felt like I didn’t get married at all. I have seen through it already. The only time when we will be able to lead a normal and good life would be when he retires. How long would that be? Ten years? Twelve years?”

Yue Ru jie sighed, “Which singer can be popular for twenty years now?”

“So what? We are pursuing different things in life now. I am a simple woman. I just want a lover who can accompany and stay by my side.”

“Just give him more time,” Yue Ru jie asked earnestly, “You have come so far. It wasn’t easy, why give up now?”

“He is my husband, but he does not belongs to me. I already knew that he belongs to everybody but I wanted to have him. Now I will return him back to everyone.”

Yue Ru jie was very anxious, “Do you know that everybody out there is saying that you want to get a divorce because you are having an affair?”

I’m tired, really tired. Let them say what they want to say. This world is too noisy, too complex. Five years have pa.s.sed, but I am still unable to live here. I will give up my Siren and go back to my s.h.i.+p.

For the past year, we had little to talk about. We rarely met each other. There was many times where I could only flip the newspaper to know about his whereabouts. None of my friends was in this city. After I finished work, the house and books were my only companions. Sometimes, I even feel that I do not have a husband. I do not know what does marriage means.

When we are finally reunited, I would ask him, “How are you?” He would ask me, “How are you?”

How pathetic. We had become so distant and unfamiliar.

Yue Ru jie continued to harp, “It would be better if both of you had a child.”

She is really a good person.

Yue Ru jie got up to leave. I did not ask her to stay nor did I offer to send her off. She walked to the door, looked back and said, “I admire your courage.”

It took courage to marry him. Leaving him this time also required courage. I have nothing but guts in me. Actually, she should think it this way; after the divorce, I will become a rich woman who owns a house, car and jewelleries. I am still young and a woman like me would be the ideal partner for many men. If she thought it that way, then she would not think that I am in an unfavourable position. But she did not think it this way. That was why I said she is a good person.

The clock struck eleven. The house was empty again. She came and left while I stayed behind.

I was waiting for my lover to come see me for one last time. The feeling was different this time. I did not feel relaxed like how I used to be when we dated. In the past, whenever we met, I turned into a little girl who liked to snuggle into his embrace. But now, I am so scared to even catch a glimpse of him, for fear that I would fall into a deep abyss of flames.

I love him that much.

I took a shower, continued to drink wine. The television began to broadcast a typical anti-revolution drama revolving around city life. I switched off the television and played his songs.

“Do not say forever”

We really cannot say forever.

If I must say what feelings I have for this girl named Zhen Zhu, I really have no idea on what to say.

She is young, pretty and ambitious. She knows what she wants the most. She is initiative, positive and willing to work towards improvement. I am just like a turtle, crawling slowly as she overtook me. It was only then I realised how much I have aged.

How we first met was the most awkward moment of my life. They were kissing each other – Zhang Rui and her.

The house was overwhelmed with the smell of alcohol, the bottles scattered around the ground and the balloons were hung everywhere. There were only the two of them in the house. Today was a celebration to mark the good sales of his alb.u.m. And I was late, so I was just in time to see this scene.

I stood in the open doorway, watched the two of them fell down on the sofa, caressing each other as if there was no one. The girl wrapped her arm tightly over my husband’s shoulder. I was stunned, and stood rooted to the ground. It was as if my feet were nailed to the floor, causing me to not move a single inch.

I knew what I was doing was not right. I should not have peeped at my own husband, and the more I should not have peeped at a half-dressed woman.

I quickly left, but accidentally kicked a beer bottle. Cheng Rui chased out, tugging up his clothes as he shouted for my name. I ran away like I was a rabbit being chased by a hunter. I ran to the station, hopped onto a coach and went to another city. I hid in my friend’s house for half a month.

Cheng Rui did not look for me. He went abroad to do publicity for his alb.u.m.

Indeed, forever did not exist in this world.

Our relations.h.i.+p completely broke down – we hardly spoke to each other but no tears were shed during this journey. And then we got a divorce.