Part 27 (2/2)
He smiles. He really does have a great smile-she thinks for the millionth time how Robin's life has gone the way it has because people have wanted to get closer to that face of his. If she didn't love him, she would probably hate him.
He says, ”There are things in here I sort of forgot about.”
”I never keep a diary. What if someone else reads it?”
”Apparently, I'm an exhibitionist.” He thrusts out an arm theatrically. ”When I die a famous actor, you can sell these to the tabloids. I promise to leave a beautiful corpse.”
He means it as a joke, but hearing his words is like being forced to swallow more alcohol. Her stomach flips. There's just too much talk about death this weekend. It's gotten under her skin. Maybe there's no avoiding it, given what day it is. But with Chris still missing she feels the sourness of the very thought-she feels a sudden resolve.
”OK,” she begins. ”I guess I'm on some kind of honesty kick tonight, so-it was nice of you to come and find me, because you thought something bad had happened. I do get get that.” that.”
”But?”
”But I'm worried that you ruined my chance to be with Chris. You came too soon.”
”I'm suspicious of him, Ruby. When I met him, he was kind of in a state.”
”He's just emotional.”
Robin nods reluctantly. Emotional Emotional he seems to understand. he seems to understand.
”I like like him. A lot. I him. A lot. I care care about him. With Calvin-I always thought Calvin was cool and unique, but I never felt, you know, about him. With Calvin-I always thought Calvin was cool and unique, but I never felt, you know, pa.s.sion. pa.s.sion.” She can't stop the word from coming out. Score one for Dorothy. ”You understand.”
”I guess.”
”I want a real lover lover.”
”Only one? Having just one is so pa.s.se-”
”Be serious, you queen.”
This makes him smile again, and then he sits up, adjusting his posture, and announces, still smiling, though it now seems a little forced, that Peter broke off their relations.h.i.+p. And there's more to it than that, he starts to explain-which is when Ruby flashes to the car ride up the Parkway, and then to the cemetery, and she knows what he's going to tell her. ”Does this have to do with George?”
”Yes.” He grabs the notebook and reads, ”Too bad George isn't my boyfriend. That's from high school, before I even knew he was gay.” He begins to tell her about his weekend. She listens with a kind of amazement about a near fistfight in an alley, about hiding from the cops, about the two of them going back to their apartment and having s.e.x for the first time. It's not the details that surprise her-nothing that happens to her brother really comes as a surprise, given all that she knows about who he is and what he's capable of-but rather it's the fact that their lives seem, for the first time ever, to be made up of the same material. Maybe separate from each other, but at least parallel, which is something. He tells her that it's not just the s.e.xual connection that has been the revelation with George, but the fact that he actually possesses all the qualities Robin wanted Peter to have: stability, trustworthiness, s.e.xual safety. He asks, ”Do you think that's weird?” That's from high school, before I even knew he was gay.” He begins to tell her about his weekend. She listens with a kind of amazement about a near fistfight in an alley, about hiding from the cops, about the two of them going back to their apartment and having s.e.x for the first time. It's not the details that surprise her-nothing that happens to her brother really comes as a surprise, given all that she knows about who he is and what he's capable of-but rather it's the fact that their lives seem, for the first time ever, to be made up of the same material. Maybe separate from each other, but at least parallel, which is something. He tells her that it's not just the s.e.xual connection that has been the revelation with George, but the fact that he actually possesses all the qualities Robin wanted Peter to have: stability, trustworthiness, s.e.xual safety. He asks, ”Do you think that's weird?”
”No, because you can fall in love with someone slowly, or it can hit you hard, right away. With Chris, it just was like-” She snaps her fingers.
”I've fallen in love at first sight many times. I was so into Peter when he first walked into our seminar. But that kind of thing never seems to last. Do you remember Alton?”
”How could I forget? You used to go on and on about him.”
”That wasn't love. It was just, I don't know. Hormones.” Robin points to the notebook and flips through a few pages. He seems to scan them as he frowns and says, ”I have no idea if George is feeling it. Did it seem like that to you? Did you notice anything?”
”I noticed that George seemed, like, less sheltered?”
”He's turning into like, I don't know, an activist. But he still doesn't have a lot of experience. With guys.”
She tells him, ”When I saw you two you at the cemetery, I thought, I don't think I've ever seen you holding hands with a guy before.”
He looks back at the notebook and says, ”I guess that's probably true.” He seems to drift into thought, memory-she can only guess where he's just gone.
She had been amazed by the sight of them with their hands intertwined, by its out-in-the-openness, and by how it seemed perfectly normal to her-or rather, a perfect fit for Robin. A natural expression. And even though she was sad that Chris wasn't there with her-that she had left him behind instead of figuring out a better plan than I'll call you I'll call you-she still felt like there was some possibility for them. For her and Chris. If Robin could have this connection with George, more romantic than their usual friends.h.i.+p allowed, then she could find some way to fit Chris into her life, even though there were all these strikes against them.
She moves to sit down on the bed. And then she's. .h.i.t by a rush. She thinks it must be the turbulence in her stomach threatening to come forth. Then she thinks, no, not my stomach, something else, lower down-it feels like her period, but it's too early for that. Then she feels the warmth, and excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
She touches herself, looks at her fingertips. Yes. There it is. She's started to bleed. She must have calculated her cycle wrong. Or maybe it's just come early-perfectly, joyously early.
She thinks, I should always have faith.
Back in her room, she lies down again, and she feels fifty pounds lighter. Cleansed. (The fact that that Clark has a girlfriend has worked in her favor. Tucked under the sink, she found what she needed. Never before has a box of Tampax seemed like such a gift.) At last she is able to rest, to sleep. She even dreams, wild images of the ocean that are both scary and beautiful, as she floats on the surface in the sun and then dives into blue depths. There's a far-off landscape, a lush green sh.o.r.e, Chris is in the water with her, swimming ahead, and he's telling her, ”We've got to get to the place.” He keeps saying it, ”That's our place,” but she can't quite keep him in her sights and then he's gone and there are birds circling overhead, their calls becoming louder and menacing, mechanical. The sound of machines grinding away.
She awakes, but the dream carries noisily into the room with her. Quickly she understands that the phone is ringing. She finds it, tangled up in the blanket with her.
”h.e.l.lo?”
”It's me.”
It's him.
”Are you OK?” she asks.
”I'm OK,” Chris says.
”I called the motel, you weren't there.”
”Sorry.”
”Did they give you my message?”
”I got it when I was checking out, so I had to wait to get to a phone and didn't have any change, and I couldn't find my phone card. I couldn't find my wallet.”
”You lost your wallet.”
”Yeah. My driver's license and my money and, well, everything.”
”That sucks.”
”I didn't want to call collect.”
”I thought-” She's not sure she should say it. ”I was starting to freak out.”
”Sorry. You probably had a lot of dark thoughts. Why wouldn't you?”
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