Part 13 (1/2)
Ruby steadies her breath, working to banish the image of Chris with these girls. She doesn't want to think of him entangled in their awful world.
He says, ”I think I was supposed to be on Dorian's menu this weekend.”
”She's a nightmare.”
”Everyone knows she's a f.u.c.king alkie. Who knows what she'd be like if she stopped?”
”I thought she was with Benjamin.”
He snorts. ”Tris.e.xual Benjamin. Give him enough c.o.ke, he'll try to f.u.c.k anything.”
”Really? He said the most evil things to me about gay people.”
”You have to be a code-breaker with that one. We were roommates last semester. I've heard his farts, I've heard him jerk off at night.” He glances at her. ”Sorry. That's gross. I just-like, I've seen him crying on the phone to his father, you know?”
She pictures Benjamin crying-it isn't actually hard to imagine. All that bl.u.s.ter covers a core of softness. Weakness, even.
Chris speaks about Benjamin and Dorian, the drugs and drinking, their moods that swing depending on what they've imbibed. As he talks, Ruby can't help but think about Calvin. Where is he? He must be worried about her. She knows that he does care about her, even if he's rarely careful with her. It was wrong to walk away from him, but how could she go back to that party? How could she not follow Chris?
She waits for a break in his story. Then she asks, ”Why was it so important that we were both looking at the moon?”
”Um, OK. Let me try to explain.” She doesn't attempt to fill the silence. Lulls in conversation with Calvin seem like punishment: her failure to keep him interested. But with Chris it's OK. With Chris everything is different.
He says, ”Here's how it went. After I saw you at the house, I was pretty freaked out. So I left, just started walking, not sure where, just needed to get away from all of them, needed to walk off the c.o.ke. I already said that. OK. So...I found a diner, drank a bunch of milk and ate pancakes with b.u.t.ter even though the cocaine had kind of taken away my appet.i.te. I wanted to get it out of my system. Then it was dark and I went to the beach. I was under the pier, all by myself, my feet were wet, and I was getting cold, and I was feeling terrible.”
”Why didn't you come back to the house?”
He takes in a long gulp of air, releases it. ”I'm not sure you can handle this.”
”Of course I can.”
”I came down here this weekend-” his voice is pitching higher, there's a warble in his throat ”-thinking I was going to kill myself.”
The night drops into silence.
She can't find words.
He spins to face her. ”I've been feeling like s.h.i.+t for a long time, Ruby. Really unhappy, that's the only way I can explain it. Partying way too much. Being a f.u.c.k-up. I've been making my mom miserable. I decided to get away from home. I didn't want to make a mess, you know, cut my wrists in my mother's bathroom or whatever, bleed all over the place.”
She thinks of the Swiss Army knife in his car, the New Testament in the back seat, enough aspirin to choke a horse. The notebook he shoved into the trunk before she could see it. Is that where he wrote his suicide note?
”I thought I could put rocks in my pockets and walk out into the ocean.”
”Like Virginia Woolf.”
”Yeah! Have you read Virginia Woolf?” His eyes light up for a moment.
”Yes. I wrote a paper about her, too. The Waves. The Waves.”
”I thought, I could have one painful flood of water in my lungs and then I'd be shark food. Over and done, no mess. I'd leave a note and everyone would know what happened. That's why I did so much c.o.ke. For courage.”
”Chris,” she says. She holds his hand between both of hers. Can think of nothing else to say.
He says, ”I stopped believing that G.o.d could save me a long time ago. In San Diego, I had a bad car accident.”
The scar on his lip-a little shadow in the moonlight.
”A lot of s.h.i.+t happened to me, and I thought, f.u.c.k this G.o.d stuff. But truthfully, I never stopped praying. And as I was driving down here, I said a prayer over and over. I said, G.o.d, give me one sign. G.o.d, give me one sign. It's the most selfish way to pray. Expecting that the Supreme Being will swoop in and take care of my life. If you read the Old Testament, you realize G.o.d has other things on his mind. Like, the whole human race, and the fate of nations. But I thought, f.u.c.k it-I don't want to live if there's no reason. I mean, I don't know where you're at with your faith, but...” It's the most selfish way to pray. Expecting that the Supreme Being will swoop in and take care of my life. If you read the Old Testament, you realize G.o.d has other things on his mind. Like, the whole human race, and the fate of nations. But I thought, f.u.c.k it-I don't want to live if there's no reason. I mean, I don't know where you're at with your faith, but...”
”Sort of like what you're talking about. Prayers just pop into my head.” One pops in now-G.o.d, don't take him away from me.
”So, like, that was when you you walked into that room,” he says. ”I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I thought it was the drugs. I went into the bathroom and splashed all this water on my face. I even brushed my teeth. Then it dawned on me: walked into that room,” he says. ”I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I thought it was the drugs. I went into the bathroom and splashed all this water on my face. I even brushed my teeth. Then it dawned on me: You You were the sign, the sign I asked for.” were the sign, the sign I asked for.”
”Chris-”
He cuts her off. ”But maybe you were a sign that I should go ahead with it.”
”Chris-” Now it seems that she must must speak, must slow him down. speak, must slow him down.
”No, listen. You were there, like some kind of reminder to me of a time when I was more hopeful. But you were changed, too. You were being turned into another girl like Alice or Cicely, just another soulless person.”
”No, I wasn't-” Why won't he let her say something?
”I know that now. But I couldn't tell. And then someone made that comment, that you were a virgin. And I thought, wow. Ruby MacKenzie stayed true. She kept to her word all these years. Like you were still waiting for me to be the one. Remember how we talked about that? That's why I kissed you.”
She jumps to her feet and wraps her arms around herself, feeling how cool the night is, how the ocean carries a chill from some faraway place. She wonders if it's an indication of a storm. ”Is it supposed to rain?” she calls over her shoulder to him.
”I didn't check the weather report. I wasn't really thinking past this weekend.”
The bright stripe of moonlight on the water's dark surface breaks apart and comes together, breaks and rejoins.
Should she tell him? Tell him the truth? The dilemma churns away inside her, sets her teeth chattering. She senses that behind her, Chris has risen to his feet, is closing the gap between them. She commands herself: Don't walk away. He's being honest. Be honest with him. She turns around, he's right there.
He pries her arms loose, takes her hands. He steadies her as he speaks. ”When I came out from under the pier, I saw the moon. I had this feeling that you were looking at it, too. That's why I didn't go through with it. I went back to the house instead.” He explains how he returned to the party, where Benjamin told him that she went for a walk. He knew then that what he'd sensed was right, that there was this connection between them still. He drove around for a while, hoping to find her, refusing to let go of this vision. He was working up the nerve to go into the club, and then there she was, getting dragged out by the bouncers.
The moon floats over his shoulder, descending. Half his face is pale with reflected light, the other a gray shadow.
He is quiet again, and she thinks, this is the story he had to tell me, he's gotten through it. Now it's my turn.
I'll say it fast. Tell him it was just once, it went by in a blur, it only lasted long enough for the pain to shoot through me, up from between my legs into the rest of my body, only until I found my voice and could tell Brandon to stop. It hardly even happened. It's never counted. counted.
He touches her face, runs a thumb beneath her eye. Is she crying? She blinks. Her eyes are wet.
”Chris, I'm not a sign. I'm not even-”
”What?”