Part 19 (1/2)
CHAPTER EIGHT.
Getting Acquainted Kevin was dreaming. He was in a burning bed. The house was on fire around him and he was trapped in his sheets. He had to get out!
He started thras.h.i.+ng around. If only he could get the covers from around his legs. It's as if they were tied around him, intent on making sure he would never escape the flames.
”Kevin, what the h.e.l.l! Stop it!”
In his sleep-induced haze, he heard his sister's voice. Is she trapped in the house too? I have to save her, but where is she?
”Kevin, cut it out or I'm gonna slap you.”
Huh. Well, those aren't the words of someone who should be grateful they're about to be rescued from a blazing inferno. She'll be sorry if she gets stuck in this fire.
”What are you mumbling about a fire for? There's no fire. Just you, kicking everyone who's trying to sleep here, you idiot.”
Kevin's mind started to clear as his sister's words began sinking in.
”Give him a break, Sarah, he's still sick.”
Sick? Who's sick? Me? Who was that?
Kevin struggled to open his eyes. Only one was obeying his command.
”What's going on?” he mumbled, ”Where's the fire?”
Candi sighed and sat up, giving up on the idea of any more sleep. ”Good morning, Kevin. There's no fire. You used to have a fever. I guess you're dying of the heat now because you've got a rain poncho on you and no more fever.”
Kevin sat up slowly, looking around him. ”Don't forget the two hot b.u.t.ts that are pressed up against me too, Gumdrop.”
Candi looked down at herself and then over at Sarah. ”Okay, so you have a point. Wow, is it ever muggy here with that humidity and heat.”
”You said it,” agreed Kevin, using his s.h.i.+rt to wipe his face off.
”Well this b.u.t.t is getting up now. Sorry about getting you all hot.”
Kevin lifted up his bandaged hand, waving it weakly. ”No, don't get up on my account. I'm sure at some point I was appreciating your b.u.t.t being here.” Then he looked over at his sister and nudged her awake. ”You, on the other hand, can take your b.u.t.t on over there, if you don't mind.”
Sarah reached back and slapped his hand away, as if she was going to ignore him. But the flies had other ideas.
”Son of a b.i.t.c.h!” she yelled, as she slapped at her neck. ”You have got to be frigging kidding me. What is it with these G.o.dd.a.m.n flies anyway?”
She sat up, rubbing her neck and arms, trying to get the flies to go feast on something else.
”They aren't bothering me at all,” said Kevin.
Sarah shot him a stink eye and mimicked him, ”They aren't bothering me at all. Eeing closer.
”Stressed?”
Jonathan looked up, surprised and instantly looking a little wary.
”Stressed?!”
Jonathan got a very worried expression on his face.
”Stressed?!! Do you think I'm stressed, Jonathan?!”
Jonathan's mouth dropped open; he froze in place, unable to move even a finger. Only his eyes followed her movements.
She was looming over him, her crazy, knotted and salty hair sticking out on one side; remnants of her black makeup still stuck under her eyes; chapped and crusty lips, thinned into a white line ... an angry, sunburned, scary woman face like Kevin and Jonathan had never seen before.
Kevin was pretty sure she was going to attack Jonathan. He didn't know if he should rescue him or let it play out.
”Um, yes?” Jonathan answered meekly, ducking his head a little and hunching his shoulders keeping an eye on her lunatic face, waiting for the physical attack he was wisely expecting.
”Well, isn't that very astute of you, Jonathan, resident brainiac. You are, indeed, correct. I am very stressed. I am more stressed than I have ever been in my entire life, in fact.” She paused to catch her breath and then continued, counting off complaints on her fingers.
”Let's see ... two days ago, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me with my brother's girlfriend. Then, I was forced onto a cruise s.h.i.+p with the brother and sister tweedle-dumb and tweedle-dee team from h.e.l.l. Then that stupid cruise s.h.i.+p sank, sending me into the bowels of h.e.l.l where my brother has laid near death for twenty-four hours. I got to watch him almost get eaten by a shark. Oh, and my hair has knots in it that will probably never come out, which will force me to have a very short, very ugly haircut that will make me look like a very manly lesbian, not that there's anything wrong with being a manly lesbian if you are, in fact, a manly lesbian, which I am not. And, I have just started my period, and I don't have any tampons or pads with me. So yes, I am just a little bit stressed out. AND I THINK I'M ENt.i.tLED TO THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!”
She finished her tirade by storming off into the jungle, leaving the three of them in stunned silence.
”Well, that explains it. She's on her period.” Jonathan stood up and brushed himself off, oblivious to the daggers his sister was sending him with her eyes and the silent laughter shaking Kevin's shoulders.
”You are an inconsiderate oaf!” yelled Candi, getting up and storming off in the direction Sarah took.
Jonathan looked after her, confused. ”What? What'd I say? It's true, you know!” he yelled after her. ”The hormonal instabilities present during a woman's menses make women act unreasonably emotional!”
Kevin held up his hand, gasping for air. ”Dude, stop. You're killing me.” He kept laughing while he was talking. ”Who says that s.h.i.+t, seriously? You're hilarious. Thanks, man, I needed that.”
”Yeah, well, I don't think Sarah or Candi appreciated my medical information or research findings,” said Jonathan, looking around their shelter site. ”Should we go after them?”
”No way, dude. That's like hunting jungle cats. Wait 'til they cool down and come back, then we'll figure out what's what.”
”Wait up, Sarah. Wait! You have longer legs than me.” Candi could hear Sarah cras.h.i.+ng through the trees ahead, still muttering to herself.
”a.s.shole. a.s.shole, a.s.shole, a.s.shole. They have no idea. None! a.s.sholes.”
Candi caught up to Sarah and reached out to grab her shoulder and slow her down. ”You're right. They're a.s.sholes. Now slow down before I barf from all this exercise and humidity.”