Part 35 (1/2)

He hesitated for several seconds, which between a question and an answer look so long, that most people would call them minutes.

”I would rather you should see some of my pictures--I should prefer that to answering your question,” he said, at length.

”But I have seen some of your pictures,” she returned.

”Pardon me. Indeed you have not, Miss Walton.”

”At least I have seen some of your sketches and studies.”

”Some of my sketches--none of my studies.”

”But you make use of your sketches for your pictures, do you not?”

”Never of such as you have seen. They are only a slight antidote to my pictures.”

”I cannot understand you.”

”I do not wonder at that. But I would rather, I repeat, say nothing about my pictures till you see some of them.”

”But how am I to have that pleasure, then?”

”You go to London sometimes, do you not?”

”Very rarely. More rarely still when the Royal Academy is open.”

”That does not matter much. My pictures are seldom to be found there.”

”Do you not care to send them there?”

”I send one, at least, every year. But they are rarely accepted.”

”Why?”

This was a very improper question, I thought; but if Wynnie had thought so she would not have put it. He hesitated a little before he replied--

”It is hardly for me to say why,” he answered; ”but I cannot wonder much at it, considering the subjects I choose.--But I daresay,” he added, in a lighter tone, ”after all, that has little to do with it, and there is something about the things themselves that precludes a favourable judgment. I avoid thinking about it. A man ought to try to look at his own work as if it were none of his, but not as with the eyes of other people. That is an impossibility, and the attempt a bewilderment. It is with his own eyes he must look, with his own judgment he must judge. The only effort is to get it set far away enough from him to be able to use his own eyes and his own judgment upon it.”

”I think I see what you mean. A man has but his own eyes and his own judgment. To look with those of other people is but a fancy.”

”Quite so. You understand me quite.”

He said no more in explanation of his rejection by the Academy. Till we reached the church, nothing more of significance pa.s.sed between them.

What a waste, bare churchyard that was! It had two or three lych-gates, but they had no roofs. They were just small enclosures, with the low stone tables, to rest the living from the weight of the dead, while the clergyman, as the keeper of heaven's wardrobe, came forth to receive the garment they restored--to be laid aside as having ended its work, as having been worn done in the winds, and rains, and labours of the world.

Not a tree stood in that churchyard. Hank gra.s.s was the sole covering of the soil heaved up with the dead beneath. What blasts from the awful s.p.a.ce of the sea must rush athwart the undefended garden! The ancient church stood in the midst, with its low, strong, square tower, and its long, narrow nave, the ridge bowed with age, like the back of a horse worn out in the service of man, and its little homely chancel, like a small cottage that had leaned up against its end for shelter from the western blasts. It was locked, and we could not enter. But of all world-worn, sad-looking churches, that one--sad, even in the sunset--was the dreariest I had ever beheld. Surely, it needed the gospel of the resurrection fervently preached therein, to keep it from sinking to the dust with dismay and weariness. Such a soul alone could keep it from vanis.h.i.+ng utterly of dismal old age. Near it was one huge mound of gra.s.s-grown rubbish, looking like the grave where some former church of the dead had been buried, when it could stand erect no longer before the onsets of Atlantic winds. I walked round and round it, gathering its architecture, and peeping in at every window I could reach. Suddenly I was aware that I was alone. Returning to the other side, I found that Percivale was seated on the churchyard wall, next the sea--it would have been less dismal had it stood immediately on the cliffs, but they were at some little distance beyond bare downs and rough stone walls; he was sketching the place, and Wynnie stood beside him, looking over his shoulder. I did not interrupt him, but walked among the graves, reading the poor memorials of the dead, and wondering how many of the words of laudation that were inscribed on their tombs were spoken of them while they were yet alive. Yet, surely, in the lives of those to whom they applied the least, there had been moments when the true nature, the nature G.o.d had given them, broke forth in faith and tenderness, and would have justified the words inscribed on their gravestones! I was yet wandering and reading, and stumbling over the mounds, when my companions joined me, and, without a word, we walked out of the churchyard. We were nearly home before one of us spoke.

”That church is oppressive,” said Percivale. ”It looks like a great sepulchre, a place built only for the dead--the church of the dead.”

”It is only that it partakes with the living,” I returned; ”suffers with them the buffetings of life, outlasts them, but shows, like the s.h.i.+eld of the Red-Cross Knight, the 'old dints of deep wounds.'”

”Still, is it not a dreary place to choose for a church to stand in?”