Part 18 (1/2)

But it doesn't work. At all. Visions of Gabe and Bridget twirl around in my head. I'm so messed up. Why did I ever agree to this? I've never regretted anything more in my life.

I kiss the girls good night and tuck them in. I even kiss Bitzy, Claire's stuffed monkey, and Cookie, Chloe's favorite stuffed dog. As I tuck the girls in, a big part of me is happy I didn't go through with it. I can't do this to them-jeopardize my marriage, our lives. My panic attack was truly a blessing in disguise. I don't want to do this.

I take a long bath, and try not to think.

Gabe finally comes home at around eleven. I bound down the stairs in my plush pink bathrobe to see him.

And as soon as I see his face, I know.

He's slept with her.

My heart sinks.

I don't know what to say to him. I know we can't discuss it, but I want to know everything. I need to know everything.

”How was your night?” I ask, my voice soft.

He hesitates, taking off his jacket. ”It was fine.”

I stare down at the floor, not wanting to see his face, to see the truth. ”Just fine?”

He turns away from me. ”Mirella,” he says. ”You know we're not supposed to talk about it. It's a bad idea.”

”Did you...”

He swallows, avoiding my gaze.

”Did you?” I snap. ”Look at me.”

He rakes a hand through his hair and turns to look at me. ”Why are you doing this, Ella?”

My throat closes up. The tears rush out. ”Because...”

He nods, his eyes downcast.

I sit down on the stairs and hug my knees. The tears flow. Part of me was hoping he'd had a change of heart too, that he'd also realized this was one big, giant mistake.

He wraps his arms around me, holding me tight. ”Ella,” he whispers, ”you agreed to this. I thought we both wanted this.”

I bury my swollen face in his chest. ”I thought I wanted it too,” I cry.

”You've changed your mind?” he asks. ”You still can, if you don't want to do this.”

”Oh great,” I hiss, pus.h.i.+ng him away. ”You would just love that. You've already got your jollies. You're good to go.”

”Ella,” he pleads, reaching for my hand. ”I know I can't say anything, but I can tell you one thing,” he says, his gorgeous hazel eyes fixed on mine. ”It was just s.e.x. Just s.e.x.”

Just s.e.x. Plain and simple.

”How did you f.u.c.k her?” I hiss. I want to know all the sordid details.

”Mirella,” he snaps, grasping my hand tighter. ”The girls are upstairs...don't be like this.”

”How?” I ask. ”More than one way, I bet.”

He grabs my face in his hands. Hard. ”Don't do this,” he pleads with me. ”Let's end this right now. Call everything off.”

I tear myself away and stand, wiping my face with the sleeve of my bathrobe.

He reaches from behind and wraps his arms tightly around me, holding me captive. ”What happened with Weston?” he asks, his words sharp and edgy. ”He didn't hurt you, did he?”

”No. He was good.”

Better than good.

”Did you two...” Suddenly, Gabe is the one who's curious.

”No,” I say simply, not really wanting to talk about the details.

”Wow,” he says. ”What was he waiting for? You're gorgeous...I would have nailed you within the hour.”

He almost did, I want to say.

”What's wrong with the guy? I told you he was strange.”

I turn around to look at him. ”It was me, Gabe,” I cry. ”I wasn't ready.”

”Oh...” he mutters, and I see joy in his eyes. He's happy I didn't go through with it.

I bury my face in my hands. ”I actually had one of my panic attacks,” I confess.

”You didn't!”

”Full-blown, baby. It was mortifying.”

”I'm sorry, babe,” he says, hugging me tightly. ”This was a bad idea.”

I know.

”I love you so much,” he adds in a whisper, squeezing me tighter.

I hold him tight, thinking maybe there's still a chance to end all this.

Maybe there's still a chance for us.

I'm sure Weston will understand.

Life is strange now.

I know Gabe hasn't technically cheated on me, but it still feels like he has. I can't be with him. There's too much anger in me. I need time.