Part 14 (1/2)

CHAPTER VI

THE WASTER'S REFUGE

”I say, you blessed Colonial, what's come over you?” Linklater was obviously disturbed. He had just returned from a summer's yachting through the Norway fjords, brown and bursting with life. The last half-hour he had been pouring forth his experiences to his friend Martin. These experiences were some of them exciting, some of them of doubtful ethical quality, but all of them to Linklater at least interesting. During the recital it was gradually borne in upon him that his friend Martin was changed. Linklater, as the consciousness of the change in his friend grew upon him, was prepared to resent it. ”What the deuce is the matter with you?” he enquired. ”Are you ill?”

”Never better. I could at this present moment sit upon your fat and florid carca.s.s.”

”Well, what then is wrong? I say, you haven't--it isn't a girl, is it?”

”Nothing so lucky for a bloomin' Colonial in this land of wealth and culture. If I only dared!”

”There's something,” insisted Linklater; ”but I've no doubt it will develop. Meantime let us go out, and, in your own picturesque vocabulary, let us 'hit the flowing bowl.'”

”No, Sir!” cried Martin emphatically. ”No more! I am on the water wagon, and have been all summer.”

”I knew it was something,” replied Linklater gloomily, ”but I didn't think it was quite so bad as that. No wonder you've had a hard summer!”

”Best summer ever!” cried Martin. ”I only wish I had started two years ago when I came to this bibulous burgh.”

”How came it? Religion?”

”No; just horse sense, and the old chief.”

”Dunn!” exclaimed Linklater. ”I always knew he was against that sort of thing in training, but I didn't think he would carry it to this length.”

”Yes, Dunn! I say, old boy, I've no doubt you think you know him, I thought so, too, but I've learned some this summer. Here's a yarn, and it is impressive. Dunn had planned an extensive walking tour in the Highlands; you know he came out of his exams awfully f.a.gged. Well, at this particular moment it happened that Balfour Murray--you know the chap that has been running that settlement joint in the Canongate for the last two years--proposes to Dunn that he should spend a few weeks in leading the young hopefuls in that interesting and uncleanly neighbourhood into paths of virtue and higher citizens.h.i.+p by way of soccer and kindred athletic stunts. Dunn in his innocence agrees, whereupon Balfour Murray promptly develops a sharp attack of pneumonia, necessitating rest and change of air, leaving the poor old chief in the deadly breach. Of course, everybody knows what the chief would do in any deadly breach affair. He gave up his Highland tour, shouldered the whole Canongate business, organised the thing as never before, inveigled all his friends into the same deadly breach, among the number your humble servant, who at the time was fiercely endeavouring in the last lap of the course to atone for a two years' loaf, organised a champion team which has licked the spots off everything in sight, and in short, has made the whole business a howling success; at the cost, however, of all worldly delights, including his Highland tour and the International.”

”Oh, I say!” moaned Linklater. ”It makes me quite ill to think of the old chief going off this way.”

Martin nodded sympathetically. ”Kind of 'Days that are no more,' 'Lost leader' feeling, eh?”

”Exactly, exactly! Oh, it's rotten! And you, too! He's got you on this same pious line.”

”Look here,” shouted Martin, with menace in his voice, ”are you cla.s.sifying me with the old chief? Don't be a derned fool.”

Linklater brightened perceptibly. ”Now you're getting a little natural,”

he said in a hopeful tone.

”Oh, I suppose you'd like to hear me string out a lot of d.a.m.ns.”

”Well, it might help. I wouldn't feel quite so lonely. But don't violate--”

”I'd do it if I thought it would really increase your comfort, though I know I'd feel like an infernal a.s.s. I've got new light upon this 'd.a.m.ning' business. I've come to regard it as the refuge of the mentally inert, not to say imbecile, who have lost the capacity for originality and force in speech. For me, I am cured.”

”Ah!” said Linklater. ”Dunn again, I suppose.”

”Not a bit! Clear case of psychological reaction. After listening to the Canongate experts I was immediately conscious of an overwhelming and mortifying sense of inadequacy, of amateurishness; hence I quit.

Besides, of course, the chief is making rather a point of uplifting the Canongate forms of speech.”

Linklater gazed steadily at this friend, then said with mournful deliberation, ”You don't drink, you don't swear, you don't smoke--”