Part 8 (1/2)
”O, yes, sir, I had wings.”
”Well, after you got to heaven, what did you do then?”
”Well, I jes went to eatin' gra.s.s like all de balance of de lams.”
”What! were they eating gra.s.s?”
”O, yes, sir.”
”Well, what color were the lambs, Uncle Zack?”
”Well, sir, some of dem was white, and some black, and some spotted.”
”Were there no old rams or ewes among them?”
”No, sir; dey was all lams.”
”Well, Uncle Zack, what sort of a looking lamb were you?”
”Well, sir, I was sort of specklish and brown like.”
Old Zack begins to get sleepy.
”Did you have horns, Uncle Zack?”
”Well, some of dem had little horns dat look like dey was jes sorter sproutin' like.”
Zack begins to nod and doze a little.
”Well, how often did they shear the lambs, Uncle Zack?”
”Well, w-e-l-l, w-e-l-l-,” and Uncle Zack was fast asleep and snoring, and dreaming no doubt of the beautiful pastures glimmering above the clouds of heaven.
RED TAPE
While here I applied for a furlough. Now, reader, here commenced a series of red tapeism that always had characterized the officers under Braggism. It had to go through every officer's hands, from corporal up, before it was forwarded to the next officer of higher grade, and so it pa.s.sed through every officer's hands. He felt it his sworn and bound duty to find some informality in it, and it was brought back for correction according to his notions, you see. Well, after getting the corporal's consent and approval, it goes up to the sergeant. It ain't right! Some informality, perhaps, in the wording and spelling. Then the lieutenants had to have a say in it, and when it got to the captain, it had to be read and re-read, to see that every ”i” was dotted and ”t” crossed, but returned because there was one word that he couldn't make out. Then it was forwarded to the colonel. He would s.n.a.t.c.h it out of your hand, grit his teeth, and say, ”D-n it;” feel in his vest pocket and take out a lead pencil, and simply write ”app.” for approved. This would also be returned, with instructions that the colonel must write ”approved” in a plain hand, and with pen and ink. Then it went to the brigadier-general. He would be engaged in a game of poker, and would tell you to call again, as he didn't have time to bother with those small affairs at present. ”I'll see your five and raise you ten.” ”I have a straight flush.” ”Take the pot.” After setting him out, and when it wasn't his deal, I get up and walk around, always keeping the furlough in sight. After reading carefully the furlough, he says, ”Well, sir, you have failed to get the adjutant's name to it. You ought to have the colonel and adjutant, and you must go back and get their signatures.” After this, you go to the major-general. He is an old aristocratic fellow, who never smiles, and tries to look as sour as vinegar. He looks at the furlough, and looks down at the ground, holding the furlough in his hand in a kind of dreamy way, and then says, ”Well, sir, this is all informal.” You say, ”Well, General, what is the matter with it?” He looks at you as if he hadn't heard you, and repeats very slowly, ”Well, sir, this is informal,” and hands it back to you. You take it, feeling all the while that you wished you had not applied for a furlough, and by summoning all the fort.i.tude that you possess, you say in a husky and choking voice, ”Well, general (you say the ”general” in a sort of gulp and dry swallow), what's the matter with the furlough?” You look askance, and he very languidly re-takes the furlough and glances over it, orders his negro boy to go and feed his horse, asks his cook how long it will be before dinner, hallooes at some fellow away down the hill that he would like for him to call at 4 o'clock this evening, and tells his adjutant to sign the furlough. The adjutant tries to be smart and polite, smiles a smole both child-like and bland, rolls up his s.h.i.+rt-sleeves, and winks one eye at you, gets astraddle of a camp-stool, whistles a little stanza of schottische, and with a big flourish of his pen, writes the major- general's name in small letters, and his own-the adjutant's-in very large letters, bringing the pen under it with tremendous flourishes, and writes approved and forwarded. You feel relieved. You feel that the anaconda's coil had been suddenly relaxed. Then you start out to the lieutenant-general; you find him. He is in a very learned and dignified conversation about the war in Chili. Well, you get very anxious for the war in Chili to get to an end. The general pulls his side-whiskers, looks wise, and tells his adjutant to look over it, and, if correct, sign it. The adjutant does not deign to condescend to notice you. He seems to be full of gumbo or calf-tail soup, and does not wish his equanimity disturbed. He takes hold of the doc.u.ment, and writes the lieutenant-general's name, and finishes his own name while looking in another direction-approved and forwarded. Then you take it up to the general; the guard stops you in a very formal way, and asks, ”What do you want?” You tell him. He calls for the orderly; the orderly gives it to the adjutant, and you are informed that it will be sent to your colonel tonight, and given to you at roll-call in the morning. Now, reader, the above is a pretty true picture of how I got my furlough.
I GET A FURLOUGH
After going through all the formality of red-tapeism, and being snubbed with tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee, I got my furlough. When it started out, it was on the cleanest piece of paper that could be found in Buck Lanier's sutler's store. After it came back, it was pretty well used up, and looked as if it had gone through a very dark place, and been beat with a soot-bag. But, anyhow, I know that I did not appreciate my furlough half as much as I thought I would. I felt like returning it to the gentlemen with my compliments, declining their kind favors. I felt that it was unwillingly given, and, as like begets like, it was very unwillingly received. Honestly, I felt as if I had made a bad bargain, and was keen to rue the trade. I did not know what to do with it; but, anyhow, I thought I would make the best of a bad bargain. I got on the cars at Dalton-now, here is a thing that I had long since forgotten about-it was the first first-cla.s.s pa.s.senger car that I had been in since I had been a soldier. The conductor pa.s.sed around, and handed me a ticket with these words on it:
”If you wish to travel with ease, Keep this ticket in sight, if you please; And if you wish to take a nap, Just stick this in your hat or cap.”
This was the poetry, reader, that was upon the ticket. The conductor called around every now and then, especially if you were asleep, to look at your ticket, and every now and then a captain and a detail of three soldiers would want to look at your furlough. I thought before I got to Selma, Alabama, that I wished the ticket and furlough both were in the bottom of the ocean, and myself back in camp. Everywhere I went someone wanted to see my furlough. Before I got my furlough, I thought it sounded big. Furlough was a war word, and I did not comprehend its meaning until I got one. The very word ”furlough” made me sick then. I feel fainty now whenever I think of furlough. It has a sickening sound in the ring of it-”furlough!” ”Furloch,” it ought to have been called. Every man I met had a furlough; in fact, it seemed to have the very double-extract of romance about it-”fur too, eh?” Men who I knew had never been in the army in their lives, all had furloughs. Where so many men ever got furloughs from I never knew; but I know now. They were like the old bachelor who married the widow with ten children-he married a ”ready-made” family. They had ready-made furloughs. But I have said enough on the furlough question; it enthralled me-let it pa.s.s; don't want any more furloughs. But while on my furlough, I got with Captain G. M. V. Kinzer, a fine-dressed and handsome cavalry captain, whom all the ladies (as they do at the present day), fell in love with. The captain and myself were great friends. The captain gave me his old coat to act captain in, but the old thing wouldn't act. I would keep the collar turned down. One night we went to call on a couple of beautiful and interesting ladies near Selma. We chatted the girls until the ”wee sma' hours” of morning, and when the young ladies retired, remarked that they would send a servant to show us to our room. We waited; no servant came. The captain and myself snoozed it out as best we could. About daylight the next morning the captain and myself thought that we would appear as if we had risen very early, and began to move about, and opening the door, there lay a big black negro on his knees and face. Now, reader, what do you suppose that negro was doing? You could not guess in a week. The black rascal! hideous! terrible to contemplate! vile! outrageous! Well, words cannot express it. What do you suppose he was doing? He was fast asleep. He had come thus far, and could go no further, and fell asleep. There is where the captain and myself found him at daylight the next morning. We left for Selma immediately after breakfast, leaving the family in ignorance of the occurrence. The captain and myself had several other adventures, but the captain always had the advantage of me; he had the good clothes, and the good looks, and got all the good presents from the pretty young ladies-well, you might say, ”cut me out” on all occasions. ”That's what makes me 'spise a furlough.” But then furlough sounds big, you know.
CHAPTER XII
HUNDRED DAYS BATTLE
ROCKY FACE RIDGE
When I got back to Dalton, I found the Yankee army advancing; they were at Rocky Face Ridge. Now, for old Joe's generals.h.i.+p. We have seen him in camp, now we will see him in action. We are marched to meet the enemy; we occupy Turner's Gap at Tunnel Hill. Now, come on, Mr. Yank-we are keen for an engagement. It is like a picnic; the soldiers are ruddy and fat, and strong; whoop! whoop! hurrah! come on, Mr. Yank. We form line of battle on top of Rocky Face Ridge, and here we are face to face with the enemy. Why don't you unbottle your thunderbolts and dash us to pieces? Ha! here it comes; the boom of cannon and the bursting of a sh.e.l.l in our midst. Ha! ha! give us another blizzard! Boom! boom! That's all right, you ain't hurting nothing.