Chapter 3.7 (2/2)

I turned at the end of the corridor and approached the stairs. I climbed carefully, one stair at a time.

Mamizu was clinging onto me, not saying a word.

I thought that this was the ultimate happiness.

I wasn’t sad at all.

I even felt like I had been born into this world for the purpose of living this very moment.

Cheris.h.i.+ng this very brief period of time, I climbed up the stairs towards the roof.

And then we arrived.

It was the rooftop of the hospital that we hadn’t visited since we went stargazing.

“It’s pitch-black, isn’t it?” Mamizu whispered near my ear, sounding like she were humming.

There was a clear, cloudless night sky outside. The moon and stars were gleaming in the dark. Perhaps because it was autumn, the moon looked more beautiful than before.

I walked on, one firm footstep at a time, across the concrete floor of the rooftop.

“Ah.” Mamizu made a noise of surprise.

At the same time, I felt the light on my back.

“I’m really s.h.i.+ning, aren’t I?”

I looked over my shoulder and saw that her body was s.h.i.+ning quite brilliantly.

With the glowing phenomenon in the human body that is specific to luminescence disease, the body glows when bathed in the moonlight, and as the disease progresses, the light becomes stronger. Mamizu’s body was emitting a light so intense that it was incomparable to the time when we were stargazing.

“I’m pretty, like a firefly, right?” Mamizu said, seeming embarra.s.sed.

“You’re the most beautiful person in the universe,” I said.

I sat Mamizu down on the bench.

“The wind feels good, doesn’t it?” she said. Her long hair was swaying, unable to resist the wind. “I’m really glad that I met you, Takuya-kun.”

In this darkness, Mamizu’s expression was the only thing I could see clearly. I could see her even more clearly than the distant moon and stars.

“I don’t have any regrets left,” she said, a content expression on her face.

This is the face of someone who has completely accepted death, I thought.

“But I don’t, either. None at all,” I said. I really felt that.

“You’re different from me, Takuya-kun.”

“I’m not.”

My life had already become nothing [無].

“Be different,” Mamizu pleaded, wearing a sad expression.

I closed her eyes with my fingers.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Just do as I say. Keep your eyes closed until I tell you to open them. Okay?”

“… Yeah.”

And now, this was where the real thing began.

I quickly walked towards the corner of the rooftop. With a single jump, I cleared the railing that was there to prevent people from falling. The darkness stretched out in front of me. I was nine floors up. So, it would be certain. The second floor of a building was nothing in comparison to this.

If I took a few more steps, I would be able to perform a brilliant jump. I would be able to perform a real jump that Kayama’s jump back then wouldn’t be able to compare to. I walked right up to the very edge.

Once I was half a step from falling, I turned and looked back. “You can open your eyes now, Mamizu!”

Mamizu opened her eyes. And then she looked at me with clear bewilderment. “What are you… doing?” She stared at me, dumbfounded.

“I’m going to die now.”

Am I crazy? That’s not it, I thought. What’s crazy is this world, a world where Mamizu is dying.

“I’m going to let you know what happens after death,” I said.

“… Are you stupid?”

“I’ll teach you that dying isn’t scary.”

“There’s no way that it isn’t scary,” Mamizu said, her voice trembling. “There’s no way it’s not scary! Of course it’s scary! Even for me; I’m still hopelessly scared of it!”

“I’m far more scared of living,” I said. “I’m scared of a me that will continue living on and forget. I’m scared of a me that will start to remember English words, the names of cla.s.smates I don’t care about, how to get to new places and how to hand people my business card instead of your voice, the way you laugh, the intense way you express your emotions and the way you breathe in and out. If I keep on living even after you die, a moment might come when I think that life isn’t all that bad. I’m scared of that.”

“So, because of that, you’re going to die?”

“I’ve always felt guilty for living.”

Always, ever since Meiko died.

“Don’t you think the world is cruel? I think it is. Every day, people die one after another, and new people are born. Everyone forgets the people who have died and turns their eyes towards the bright future. Precious people die, but the world continues on. Is there anything crueler than that? I can’t endure a world like that,” I said. “I don’t want to.”

“That’s crazy, Takuya-kun.”

“I want you to see me die, and see what happens after I die. You’re interested in death, right? I am, too. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been drawn to you. I want to die before you do.”

With that, I turned my back to Mamizu.

My eyes had started to gradually get used to the darkness of the night.

I looked down and saw the distant concrete, far below. Nine floors up is pretty high, I thought. Instant death was certain.

Kayama.

I’m going to do a far more incredible jump than you.

I thought that with this, I would finally understand Meiko’s true feelings. I thought that I could become closer to her.

My legs trembled.

I heard a metallic noise behind me.

It was the noise of the railing being shaken.

I turned around in surprise.

I couldn’t believe it.

Mamizu was right on the other side of the railing.

Even though she was supposed to be almost unable to walk.

She had used her own strength to crawl all the way there.

“I don’t care,” she said. “I don’t care about what happens after death.”

I was quite bewildered.

You don’t care?

There’s no way you don’t care, is there?

You’re about to die, Mamizu. It’s only only natural for that to be the thing you’re most curious about. It’s the same for everyone. Even for a healthy person like me. We don’t know what happens after death, and we’re afraid of it.

“I’ve only just realized that I don’t care. I always thought that I wanted to know. But I was wrong. Thanks to you, I’ve finally realized that,” Mamizu said.

I thought she was lying. Mamizu was lying. She just wanted to stop me.

“I’ve always known that you admired me because I’m going to die soon.”

Mamizu grasped the railing with both hands and raised herself up unsteadily. She stood on her feet, resting her body’s weight against the railing. My chest tightened as I watched her.

“I’ve always been worried about you. But I couldn’t reach out to you. Because I thought I couldn’t understand people’s despair. Your despair is different from mine. I thought that if my despair is the despair of a dying person, your despair is the despair of someone who has to live on. I thought we were really, really far apart.

“I was always desperately trying to accept my death. I told myself that it was a divine gift given to humans. There’s no such thing as a human who doesn’t die. I wanted to erase my attachments to living, one by one. That’s why I made a list of ‘things I want to do before I die.’

“But it was really painful. I thought that it would be better to never have been born than to feel this pain. Countless times, I thought that if I was going to die like this, I shouldn’t have been born. I thought that if there’s a G.o.d, he must be a cold-blooded psychopath or something. He let me be born and have a taste of all kinds of things, only to take it all away from me again and kill me in the end. I thought that all of life was something to be regretted. I was frustrated at how happy and fun things had become horrible and bitter. I suffered because of that.

“It would have been better if my life was empty [無] from the start. It would have been better for it to be empty from start to finish. If I didn’t know about living, I wouldn’t have felt the pain of dying. I always wanted to become nothing [無]. I always wanted to become closer to nothing. I wanted to make it as if my life had never happened. I wanted to lose the interest I have in this world.

“But there was a person who changed the way I was. It was you. Even if I gave up on everything else, you were the only thing I that couldn’t give up on. Even though I always tried. Maybe I’ve gone crazy, thinking that you’re more important than me.

“Just now, I imagined the future in a world where you died. I thought, ‘That can’t happen.’ At that moment, I realized that I still have expectations of this world. I thought that a world where you are alive and a world where you are dead would be completely different from each other. And then I became aware of a desire that I’ve always kept sealed inside me.

“I wanted to live. I want to live. I want to live more. I want to live much longer. I want to live a hundred, a thousand, ten thousand years. I want to live forever. I don’t care what happens after death! I just want to live. I want to live, Takuya-kun. Because of you, I want to live so badly that I can’t help myself. So please take responsibility for making someone who is about to die feel this way.”

Mamizu’s voice felt like it was right next to me. Her voice carried well on this rooftop at night. It was as if her voice was transparent.

“I, Watarase Mamizu, will now declare my final request to Okada Takuya-kun. Please listen,” she said, an enraptured expression on her face. “I want to know what will happen if you keep living from now. I’m so immensely curious about how the world will continue after I die that I feel like my heart will burst. It’s because of you that I feel this way.

“Before I met you, I thought the world would end when I died. If I died and became nothing [無], I wouldn’t be able to know whether the world existed or not. So I thought that would be the end of the world.

“But it was you who made me realize that I was wrong. I’m helplessly curious about this wonderful world where you exist, Takuya-kun. So…”

Mamizu inhaled deeply, and then continued.

“Please live on in my stead and teach me. Please search the corners of this world and see and listen to and experience all kinds of things. And please continue to teach the meaning of life to the me who lives on inside you.”

Without thinking, as if I were being drawn in, I approached the railing from the edge of the rooftop. I approached life, walking away from death.

This was my defeat.

I had been defeated by Watarase Mamizu.

“Will you fulfil my last request?” she whispered.

Her lips were right there.

Without hesitating, I kissed her.

Mamizu quickly pulled her lips away and looked at me.

And then she kissed me back.

I love you.

I love you.

I said that to her, over and over.

Watarase Mamizu lived for fourteen more days after that.

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