Chapter 3.6 (1/2)

It was raining the next day, so I went to the hospital with an umbrella in hand. The umbrella stands were full of umbrellas. Was there a cold going around? I couldn’t be bothered putting my umbrella in one of the locked stands, so I stuffed it into the nearest one and went inside. When Mamizu moved from a shared room to a private one, she had moved from the fourth floor to the sixth. But I couldn’t even wait for the elevator. That was how unbearably impatient I felt. The snow globe was inside my bag. I climbed the stairs, one by one. I started sweating slightly. It was like some kind of light training.

I would say it properly.

Today, I would say it properly one more time.

I somehow finished climbing to the sixth floor and arrived in front of Mamizu’s room.

There was some kind of note hanging on the door.

No visitors

That was what was written on it.

I shuddered. It was like those words had hit me in the back of the head. My spine froze. No way, I thought.

Unable to stand properly, I crouched down. My breathing grew wild. I felt like I was short of breath. The world was spinning. I felt like throwing up. I squatted there for a while.

What was going on inside? I wondered. But even if I went inside, I wouldn’t be able to do anything. If it caused Mamizu’s condition to worsen, it would defeat the purpose. But I wanted to know what kind situation Mamizu was in no matter what.

Wondering if Okazaki-san was around, I went to the nurse center. I’d only been here the day before, but the nurse center was a completely different sight now. It somehow seemed distant to me. Nothing had changed, but that was how I felt.

“Excuse me, I want to ask about Watarase Mamizu. What is her current situation?” I asked.

But Okazaki-san wasn’t there. She was either off-duty or busy somewhere else.

“Who are you?” the nurse there asked.

I paused, disconcerted. What was I to Mamizu? I couldn’t think of an appropriate word to define our relations.h.i.+p.

I’m…

“Just an acquaintance,” I said.

“Well then, Mamizu-san is not accepting visitors. Please come and visit another day.”

Having been given this superficial answer, I turned around, feeling powerless.

But I couldn’t just go home.

I sat on the bench and stared at the floor in front of Mamizu’s room.

I wondered if Okazaki-san would come and call out to me if I sat there like that. But in the end, she didn’t appear.

I was so anxious and helpless that I thought I was going to die.

Before I knew it, it was past eight o’clock in the evening.

“Visiting hours are over, so…” one of the other nurses said, telling me to go home.

I didn’t even have the will to respond. I silently stepped onto the elevator with heavy footsteps.

On the way home, I sent about twenty messages to Mamizu from my phone.

> What’s wrong?

> Are you alright?

> Are you not alright?

> You’re alive, right?

> You’re fine, right?

> Please tell me you’re fine

> Hey

> Oi

> Don’t die

> You can’t die

> You still have things you want me to do, right?

> There are still a lot of things, right?

> Dying is boring, you know

> Because it’s empty [無]

> It’s really dull

> Let’s play

> I’m eating cup noodles at a convenience store now

> I get hungry even when I’m sad

> That fact is sad

> Let’s sneak you out of the hospital next time and go somewhere

> We should have done that sooner

> Right?

> Let’s enjoy life

> You’re alive, right?

> Please be alive

> Please

> I’m begging you

> Please be alive

There was no display of the messages having been read. Mamizu was completely silent.

I couldn’t get a wink of sleep, and it became morning. I felt like I could live on without ever sleeping again. I felt nauseous, so I vomited. It was the cup noodles I’d eaten the day before. I wanted to become sick in Mamizu’s place. Either that, or die in her place. I couldn’t prepare myself to live in a world without Mamizu.

I didn’t feel like I could sleep even if I stayed at home, and I didn’t feel like going to school either, so I went outside. My mind was hazy because I was sleep-deprived, but at the same time, it was clear. When it was put into words like that, they contradicted each other, but the haziness and clarity co-existed inside me.

There wasn’t anyone around in the residential area in the morning. That made me feel lonely. I didn’t even know when I’d become so weak to solitude. Despite having once thought that other people were just annoying. People change, I thought calmly.

I got on the train, went to the business district and shot zombies at the arcade. No matter how many I killed, the zombies kept attacking me. They have so much HP, I thought. In the end, I was eaten by the zombies, so I moved over to a racing game. Despite cras.h.i.+ng spectacularly, I was alive. I was immortal. No matter what I did, I didn’t die.

After that, I took purikura on my own. I looked at my own face and laughed as I saw my eyes growing wider and wider. I went outside and burned them all. I smoked three cigarettes at the same time. The smoke stung my eyes.

The thought kind of occurred to me as I was going across a pedestrian crossing, so I got in a taxi that was parked nearby.

“Please take me to the ocean,” I said.

I didn’t know if I had enough money, but I didn’t really care.

Anything would have been fun if Mamizu was with me, but doing things alone made me sad.

I arrived at the ocean. I just barely had enough money. But the problem was that I didn’t know how I would get back. Well, things would probably work out. I could just hitchhike. Not that I’d ever done it before.

There were few people at the beach during the off season. I dived into the sand. I became covered in it. People occasionally walked past, looking at me like I was crazy. I didn’t care. I rolled around on the sand as if it were the carpet of my own home. My sense of time started to become paralyzed. Perhaps I slept for a moment, perhaps I didn’t. Even if I did, it was only for a few seconds. It became evening, and then night.

Before I knew it, there was a police officer who’d come to have a look at me.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“I’m alright… I’m still normal,” I replied with no expression on my face.

And then my phone rang. I answered it immediately without even looking at the screen.

“Sorry. I was sleeping yesterday. What was with those messages? Were you worried?”

It was Mamizu’s voice. There was no strength in it.

“Yeah. Sorry. I was just feeling kind of worked up,” I said.

“Takuya-kun?! Are you crying?” Mamizu said, sounding surprised.

“Shut up. I’m not crying.” That was all I managed to say.

The next morning, when I went to Mamizu’s hospital room, she had numerous strange tubes in her arm. Even so, there was a surprisingly lively-looking Mamizu there. When I entered the room, she got up and faced me right away.

“I’ve been a bit sleepy lately, so I sleep a lot,” she said.

Was Mamizu unaware that I’d come here yesterday?

Well, I didn’t care about that.

“I’m glad you’re alive.” That’s how I honestly felt. I almost felt like laughing.

If Mamizu was healthy, perhaps I would have had more thoughts regarding her.

Like wanting to be with her like this more.

Or wanting to be liked by her.

Or wanting to be treated kindly by her.

Or wanting her to not lie to me.

But all of that had been stripped off like layers of skin around a fruit, one by one, and the only thing left in the end was the feeling that it was fine as long as she was alive.

It was fine as long as she was alive.

“What’s wrong, Takuya-kun?”

I squeezed my eyes shut a little to endure this feeling.

“Don’t just stay quiet,” Mamizu said.

“I don’t have money,” I said.

“Huh? Are you asking me for money?”

“That’s not it. I went to the ocean by taxi and lost all my money, so I was in all kinds of trouble.”

“Why did you go to the ocean?”

“I thought I’d go to swim, but it looked too cold, so I gave up. After that, a policeman thought I was some kind of suspicious person, so I got questioned.”

“Are you an idiot?” Mamizu asked.

“Maybe I am. I borrowed money at the police box to get home,” I said.

“Making a return trip is troublesome, huh.”

“It’s quite far by train.”

“Takuya-kun, come here. Listen.” Mamizu beckoned me over.

“Alright.” I approached Mamizu’s bed.

I was a little nervous.

Mamizu’s arms reached out and pulled me strongly.

I fell against her chest.

I felt a soft sensation.

“What are you doing?” I asked. I was being held tightly. “Didn’t you say, ‘listen?’”

“Yeah. Listen to the sound of my heart.”

I listened carefully, and I could hear it clearly.

“It’s still beating strongly, isn’t it?” Mamizu said.

I quietly hugged her.

“Wah, hey, it’s hard to breathe!” Mamizu laughed, seeming embarra.s.sed. “Let me go, pervert, molester!”

I didn’t want to let go.

“Takuya-kun, my heart hurts,” Mamizu said, pus.h.i.+ng me away. Her hands still had strength in them. “Hey, try imagining it. If the person you loved died, it would be painful. It would be tiring. You wouldn’t be able to forget them. You don’t want that, right? I tried imagining it. I think it would be impossible to live on. So let’s stop this, okay? Let’s stop it here.”

“Shut up,” I said, looking into her eyes. “I don’t care if it’s painful or tiring. I’ll never forget.”