Part 5 (1/2)
Another separation--another meeting. Time had worked changes in both.
She was a beautiful woman, proud, cold, queenly--he had acquired strength of character, loftier ideals, and a sense of the value of intellectual gifts, which had kept him singularly free from and indifferent to, the temptations of the senses. He had learnt to drink mental stimulants with avidity. He had made one or two brilliant successes in literature, and was looked upon as a supremely ”odd fish,”
by his brother officers.
That third meeting decided his fate. He spoke out his love, spurred on by a rivalry he had good cause to dread, but spoke to no purpose.
Calmly, though with a sorrow she did not attempt to disguise, she told her old playmate and friend that her choice was made. She was going to marry the old, vicious, and fabulously wealthy Russian Prince, Fedor Ivanovitch Zairoff. She made no pretence of caring for the man whom, out of a host of suitors, she had selected to wed. When her young lover stormed and upbraided her she only raised those wonderful stag-like eyes to his face and said:
”I have a reason, Julian. I cannot explain it. I dare not say more.
Believe me I could not make you happy, _it would not be permitted_.”
And having long ago learnt that arguments were utterly useless before _that_ formula, he had to stand aside--to crush back a strong and unconquerable pa.s.sion--to see her pa.s.s from his sight and knowledge--and to bear his life as best he could, with that feeling in his heart of having staked all on one throw, and lost, that makes so many men desperate and vicious. That it did not make Julian Estcourt so was entirely due to great strength of moral character, and a belief in the responsibilities with which life is charged, and for the abuse of which it is destined to suffer in future states or conditions, as well as in its present.
If such belief were universally accepted and pursued, we should soon cease to hear those ridiculous and humiliating phrases with which popular favourites are extenuated for the reckless and disgraceful waste of mind, energy, and usefulness, occasioned by some trifling disappointment or misfortune. There would be no more sins glossed over as ”sowing wild oats,” and ”having his fling,” or ”driven to the bad,”
because once an individual feels he is responsible to _himself_ for undue physical indulgences--for laws of natural life set at naught, and spiritual impulses disregarded--he will try to emerge from the slough of evil, and he will learn with startling rapidity to value all joys of the senses less and less. There can be no high order of morality without this sense of responsibility, for when a man feels he is moulding his own character, forming, as it were, fresh links in the chain of endurance, adding by every act and thought and word to that personality he is bound to confront as _himself_, to re-inhabit as himself, and to judge as himself, then life rises into an importance that words cannot convey, but which the soul alone recognises and feels in those better moments that are mercifully granted to each and all of us.
So Julian Estcourt took up his burden--saddened, aged, embittered perhaps, but not one whit more inclined to squander the gifts of life or the fruits of discipline than he had been in his dreamy, studious youth.
He neither sought distraction in evil and dissipated courses, nor death by any of those foolhardy and rash exploits which have far too often been glorified as ”courage” or ”pluck.”
He was graver, more reticent, more studious than of yore, and he found his reward, though few even of his intimate a.s.sociates were aware of his abnormal gifts, or his superior knowledge. Such was the man who, still in the prime of life's best years, still with thirst unslaked for that one divine draught of love which, once at least, is offered to mortal lips, stood now in the soft December moonlight by the side of the woman he had wors.h.i.+pped for long in secret and in pain, and cried aloud in triumph to his heart, ”At last happiness is mine!”
His whole consciousness was pervaded with a sense of ecstasy that seemed to make all past pain and regret sink into utter insignificance. To stand there by her side, to drink in that wonderful beauty of face and form, was a joy that brought absolute forgetfulness of everything outside and apart from its new and magical acquisition. The world was forgotten. Even the possibility of a formal and imperative ceremonial by which his newly-won treasure must be secured to himself at last, barely flashed across his consciousness. He did not trouble himself to put it into words. He listened to the brief disjointed fragments of her speech--fragments which gave a dim picture of her life in these empty years of division. Now and then he spoke of himself. She listened.
Once she turned to him with an impulse of tenderness strange in one so cold and self-possessed.
”Ah!” she cried, softly, ”I have made you suffer... but it was not my will... Oh, always believe that... And I will give you compensation.-- I can promise it--now.”
They seemed to him the sweetest words that ever fell from mortal lips, and no less sweet--though infinitely puzzling--was that exquisite humility with which she crowned the wonder of her self-surrender. Yet even as he heard his brain grew bewildered--his senses seemed to reel.
Strange thoughts and shapes seemed to hover around him, and all the soft, dim s.p.a.ce of night appeared a black and peopled horror. For a moment he felt that consciousness was forsaking him... that the shock of this unexpected joy was beyond his strength to bear. Dizzy and sick he swayed suddenly forwards.--A cool hand touched his brow--a voice reached his ear. With a mighty effort he shook off the paralysing weakness, and sank down by the side of his enchantress.
”Is it a dream?” he murmured, vaguely; ”shall I wake to-morrow and know you have mocked me again?”
”Nay, my beloved,” she whispered; ”this--is no dream... Never again shall I mock you. I am but a woman now who loves. Earth holds no weaker thing.”
When Julian Estcourt entered the public drawing-room, nearly two hours after he had left it, several curious eyes turned towards him. The card-players had finished their game and broken up into various groups.
A few men were yawning and apparently meditating a retreat to the smoking-room. No one seemed particularly energetic, but the entrance of that tall soldierly figure struck a new note of interest in the languid a.s.semblage. He seemed to bring--as it were--a breeze of vitality, a sense of freshness and energy along with him from the starlit air and the pine-scented woods. His head was erect, his eyes shone with the radiance of happiness, a certain sense of pride--of triumph--and yet of deep intense content, was in his aspect and his smile.
Mrs Ray Jefferson, her spirits still unimpaired by losses at ”poker,”
was the first to remark audibly on the change.
”Why, Colonel!” she said. ”Have _you_ been having a Turkish Bath?
Guess you look as fresh and perky as if you'd taken a new lease of life.”
He laughed. ”The only bath I have taken,” he said, ”is one of moonlight. You should all be out on the terrace. Far healthier and more enjoyable than these hot, gas-lit rooms, I a.s.sure you.”
”The terrace,” said Mrs Jefferson, looking at him with a sudden stern accusing glance. ”Ladies and gentlemen, what did I tell you? I--do-- believe--”