Part 23 (2/2)

”Come inside,” suggested Peter, as they turned back to the church. ”It would be warmer.”

But she shook her head. ”No. I'd rather be outside. I don't belong in there.”

Peter said, ”Why not?” and she told him, ”Because for me it's the ugly things that are true.”

So together they stood in the porch, outside the great oak door, and heard the sound of singing stealing out, fog-softened, and smelt the smell of incense (it was the festal service of some saint) that pierced the thick air with its pungent sweetness.

They sat down on the seat in the porch, and Rhoda s.h.i.+vered, not with cold, and Peter waited by her very patiently, knowing that she needed him as she had never needed him before.

She told him so. ”You don't _mind_ staying, Peter? I feel safer with you than with anyone else.... You see, I'm afraid.... Oh, I can't tell you how it is I feel. When he looks at me it's as if he was drawing me and dragging me, and I feel I must get up and follow him wherever he goes.

It's always been like that, since first I met him, more than a year ago.

He made me care; he made me wors.h.i.+p the ground he walked on; if he'd thrown me down and kicked me, I'd have let him. But he never cared himself; I know that now. I've known it a long time. And I've vowed to myself, and I vowed to mother when she lay dying, that I wouldn't let him have anything more to do with me. He frightens me, because he can twist me round his finger and make me care so ... and it hurts.... And he's just playing; he'll never really care. But for all I know that, I know he can get me whenever he wants me. And he's come back again to amuse himself seeing me wors.h.i.+p him ... and he'll make me follow him about, and all the time he'll be thinking me a little fool, and I shall know it ... but I can't help it, Peter, I can't help it.... I've nothing to hold on to, to save me. If I could be religious, if I could pray, like the people in there ... but he says there's nothing in that; he's made me believe like him, and I sometimes think he only believes in himself, and that's why I can only believe in him too. So I've got nothing in the world to hold on to, and I shall be carried away and drowned....”

She was crying with strangled sobbings, her face in her thin hands.

Peter's arm was put gently about her shoulders, comforting her.

”No, you won't, Rhoda. Rhoda dear, you won't be carried away, because I shall be here, holding you. Is that any help at all?”

He felt her relax beneath his arm and lean back against him; he heard her whisper, ”Yes; oh, yes. If I can hold onto you, Peter, I shall feel safe.”

”Hold on, then,” said Peter, ”as tight as you like.”

She looked up at him with wet eyes and he felt the claim and the appeal of her piercing straight into his heart.

”I could care ...” she whispered. ”Are you sure, Peter?”

His arm tightened about her. He hadn't meant precisely what she had understood him to mean; at least, he hadn't translated his purpose to help her to the uttermost into a specified relation, as she was doing; but if the purpose, to be fulfilled, had to be so translated, he was ready for that too. So he said, ”Quite sure, Rhoda. I want to be the most to you that you'll let me be,” and her face was hidden against his coat, and her tension relaxed utterly, and she murmured, ”Oh, I can be safe like that.”

So they sat in silence together, between the lit sanctuary and the desolate night, and heard, as from a long way off, the sound of chanting:--

”Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace: according to thy word;

”For mine eyes have seen ...”

Later on, Rhoda said, quiet and happy now, ”I've thought you cared, Peter, for some time. And last night, when I saw you hated Guy to be near me, I felt sure. But I feel I've so little to give you. So much of me is burnt away and spoilt. But it'll come back, Peter, I think, if you love me. I do love you, very much; you've been such a dear to me always, from the very first night at the Palazzo, when you spoke to me and smiled.

Only I couldn't think of anyone but Guy then. But lately I've been thinking, 'Peter's worth a hundred Guys, and if only I could care for him, I should feel safe.' And I do care, ever so much; and if it's a different sort of caring from what I've felt for Guy, it's a better sort.

That's a bad, black sort, that hurts; I never want any more of that.

Caring for you will keep me from that, Peter.”

”It's dear of you to care for me at all,” said Peter. ”And we won't let Guy come near us, now or ever.”

”You hate him, don't you?” said Rhoda. ”I know you do.”

”Oh, well, I don't know that it's as bad as all that. He's more funny than anything else, it seems to me. He might have walked straight out of a novel; he does all the things they do in books, you know, and that one never thinks people really do outside them. He sneers insolently. I watch him sometimes, to see how it's done. He curls his upper lip, too, when he's feeling contemptuous; that's another nice trick that I should like to acquire. Oh, he's quite an interesting study really. You've taken him wrong, you know. You've taken him seriously. He's not meant for that.”

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