Part 4 (2/2)
YOU ARE NORMAL.
Or if not quite normal, then at least pretty close.
YOUR G.o.dMOTHER.
”I'm so glad for you,” Mrs. Sturm said. ”Tell me everything.”
You did. About how Henderson was getting off-campus permissions now and coming over to your house, often, on Sat.u.r.day afternoons. How much he liked your parents, and how much they seemed to like him. How your mother cooked for him: pot roast, spaghetti and meatb.a.l.l.s, rice pudding-he said her rice pudding was his favorite dessert ever. How he teased your little brother and sister (he introduced himself to them using an outlandish false name, and refused to back away from it even when they shrieked at him to tell them the truth), and how they teased him about his accent (he was from Kentucky). How gentle he was when he petted your old German shepherd. How you and he went for long walks in the fields and woods behind your house, how the two of you never ran out of things to talk about.
”He's a nice boy,” Mrs. Sturm said. ”A real gentleman.”
This was an afternoon when the two of you were alone in front of her fire, an afternoon when you'd just dropped by, hoping to see her. Lily Joyce was home with a cold. You would not have talked this way if she'd been there. You wanted to tell Mrs. Sturm these things about Henderson: she would understand them. Lily Joyce was always trying to pry things out of you, but if you told her she would call it ”the sappy stuff” and want more details about the kissing. ”Has he tried to put his hand inside your s.h.i.+rt yet?” she would ask, in a voice that was impatient, excited, but also gruff and businesslike: if the answer had been ”yes,” she would have had an entire set of campaign plans ready to unfurl and explain to you in detail. ”Of course not,” you said, and you could see her rolling up the plans again and putting them away.
You had talked to Lily Joyce some about the kissing-you had technical questions that you knew she would be able to answer-but you didn't mention it to Mrs. Sturm. It was private; and your conversation with Mrs. Sturm was about something more. You didn't use the word-neither of you did-but you were talking about love.
”When I met my husband,” she told you, ”I knew right away. I was very young. Not as young as you are, but young. It was my junior year of college, I was spending it in Madrid. He'd finished graduate school-he studied mathematics at Gottingen, did you know that?-and he was backpacking around Europe with a couple of friends. We met standing in line to get into the Prado.”
Suddenly you were nervous. You were moved that a grown-up-this grown-up-would talk to you so frankly. But you had never heard of Gottingen or the Prado, didn't want to interrupt to ask what they were, hoped she wouldn't quiz you on them later. And though you dreamed about marrying Henderson, you didn't expect to actually do it. You loved Mrs. Sturm for taking you seriously, but she was taking you too seriously.
”I was intimidated,” she said. ”He was older. So confident. He had so many languages-German, Spanish, Italian, French, even some Dutch. And so handsome! Unattainable, I thought, when he spoke to me. But he did speak to me. Smitten, he told me later. Right away he was smitten. He told me I was beautiful.” She smiled at you, and there was a silence. She wrapped her soft cream-colored shawl more tightly around her shoulders and crossed her arms, hugging herself.
For some reason you expected that now she would say something about children, about how sad it was that she and Mr. Sturm didn't have any. But what she said next surprised you.
”Marry for kindness.”
The front door opened and Mr. Sturm walked in.
”Well,” Mrs. Sturm said. ”This is a surprise.” She trailed a white forearm over the back of the sofa, and he came and took her hand.
”Darling,” he said, and kissed her forehead. ”A pleasant one, I hope.”
”We were just talking about you.”
”Sturm und Drang,” he said, and she laughed and so did you. You had heard him make this joke in math cla.s.s, after he'd a.s.signed an especially tough problem to solve. You could tell from the way she laughed that she had heard the joke before, too, and that she was protecting him from knowing how many times he'd already told it.
MEN.
You were getting that men were strong and fragile, powerfully tempting and dangerous, gentle and mean, impressive and obtuse, in need of both placating and protection. Meanwhile the boys' school kept ticking away with its own peculiar, habitual brutality.
The day after spring vacation ended and all the boarders came back to school, a boy in your English cla.s.s was crying. He was quietly but audibly sniffling, and his face was red and wet.
”What's the problem, Lederman?” the teacher asked. ”Homesick?”
The boy didn't answer. The teacher stood up, came out swiftly from behind his desk, grabbed the back of Lederman's blazer, and lifted him into the air. He carried Lederman-a small boy; he dangled like a kitten-to the door, opened it, and threw him out into the hall.
”Stay there until you're ready to start acting like a man.”
No one spoke to Lederman after cla.s.s, when the bell rang and he came back into the cla.s.sroom with his head down to collect his book bag, so you didn't either.
There was a prayer you all said in morning chapel, right after the Lord's Prayer. It started with Dear Lord in your wisdom guide my steps, and it ended: Make me strong and sound and more a man each day.
THE NEWS.
One morning in Spanish Mrs. Sturm fainted. She was in the middle of las noticias, talking about one of her innocent, rustic, pinkly romantic festivals-something about bulls, as usual, bulls and flowers-when she suddenly said, ”Oh,” and then folded sideways and slid to the floor.
Several of the boys jumped up and ran to her. They stood around; they knelt; one boy very lightly patted her shoulder. ”Mrs. Sturm,” he said. ”Um, Mrs. Sturm.”
You got up and went over too. ”What should we do?” the boys were saying.
Her eyelids flickered, and she made a series of soft, mewing little moans. ”Oh ... oh ... oh.” She tried to sit up. ”Oh ...,” and her head sank down again.
You didn't try to help. You loved her, she'd been so good to you; but watching her lying on the floor, you felt no alarm, no sympathy. Only a cold disapproval at the whole performance. That's what it seemed like to you: a performance. The graceful slump to the floor, the bewildered fluttery coming-to amid a group of worried, gallant males-this was one of your own secret fantasies for yourself. You would faint, Henderson would catch you, bend over you, revive you. You had imagined it, but you would never actually permit it to happen. You felt, austerely, that she could have chosen not to faint. You thought this sort of thing was controllable. You recognized this scene and deplored it. She was a grown-up; she should have known better.
Two of the boys helped her to sit up, supporting her shoulders with surprisingly competent and unafraid solicitude. Someone ran to get help from the front office. ”I'm all right, I'm all right,” she kept murmuring. You saw that her hair was coming down: the structure had toppled, not all the way, but it was listing, and some of the little puffs were unwinding and sticking out in tufts from her head. That's when you recovered your tenderness for her, and your love; and you pitied her.
The next day the science teacher taught math; and the a.s.sistant headmaster sat in the cla.s.sroom during Spanish while you all did exercises out of the textbook. Mrs. Sturm was sick, you thought, and Mr. Sturm must be taking care of her. You were coming down the stairs to go to lunch when Lily Joyce grabbed you by the arm and pulled you into the ladies' room. ”Did you hear about the Sturms?”
”Are they having a baby?” you asked, with a sudden wild lift of joy. That would fix everything, you thought, without beginning to think yet about what it was that needed fixing.
”No, no,” Lily Joyce panted. ”She's been sleeping with the boys.”
”What boys?” you asked stupidly. You honestly didn't understand what she meant.
Lily Joyce lifted her arm and made a big circling gesture that seemed to encompa.s.s the entire school. ”These boys. I don't know who all of them are yet, but ...,” and she mentioned a few names, mostly boys you knew by sight but had never spoken to. Then ”... and von Bruyling,” she said.
”That's disgusting,” you said; but all of a sudden you believed her.
”She's fired,” Lily Joyce whispered, unlocking the ladies' room door-you would both have to run, if you didn't want to be marked down in conduct for being late to lunch-”and he quit. They're leaving.”
WHAT YOU SAW.
Early the next morning, when your mother drove you to school, the Sturms' pale blue station wagon was turning out of the main driveway as your car slowed to turn in. You saw that the car was packed full with their things. He must have been driving, but you didn't see him. What you saw, in the quick blur of their car turning away from yours, was her drooping head resting on her hand, and her pale forearm propped against the window.
THE REST OF THE STORY.
You never knew it. Not all of it. But you got some pieces over the years.
You heard more names, of more boys. Some were big muscled football players; some were small and childlike and scholarly. There was no pattern.
You heard that Mr. Sturm had hanged himself. You had no way of knowing if it was true. You remembered him coming home unexpectedly that afternoon when you and Mrs. Sturm had been talking, and you wondered if he'd been trying to catch her with a boy, or trying to prevent her from doing something she couldn't stop herself from doing.
You thought of her saying, ”Marry for kindness.”
You graduated from the boys' school and went on to another school, where you were happier.
You heard that Big Lily had come home from the factory one day and found the young blond man-her husband-in bed with some girl, had thrown him out, had cracked up and spent time in a sanitarium, had come home and gone back to running the factory and a number of local charities as well. You heard that Lily Joyce dropped out of high school and married a gas station attendant and moved out west.
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