Part 24 (1/2)
Sarah glanced at me, her expression saying, Is there something I need to know?
I shrugged. ”Neal here is mourning Princess Diana.”
”Oh, Neal,” Sarah gently remonstrated. ”That was so long ago. She needs peace now. She really does. And we all need to move on ... individually and as a society.”
”You think so?”
”I know so, Neal.”
Neal wore a face of profound sadness. ”You're American, Sarah, so you'll never know what it was like to have Diana as your princess ... your very own princess.”
”But I do read magazines-at least, I used to, before the Internet. And if Di's wedge-cut hairdo didn't change the way the women in my hometown looked at both themselves and at royalty, then nothing did. She was a force of nature.”
”Seriously? In the United States, too? Her hair was her trademark, you know.”
”Oh, I know. People think Americans are morbidly obese Wal-Mart shoppers who willfully undereducate their young people just so they can save a few extra dollars to pay for their five-ton recreational vehicles, but Americans are more than that, Neal.”
”Really?”
”Yes, really. Americans are ...”
I swear that if real life could ever break into a song and dance number, that would have been the moment.
”Americans are ...”
Neal was staring at Sarah wide-eyed, as if waiting for her to confirm whether fairies were real.
”Americans are ... basically Englishmen with the English part removed.”
”Yes?” Neal sat up on the bed, clearly still in suspense. ”What else?”
Sarah paused to think. ”Americans are ...”
Needy glances were exchanged in all directions.
Her face brightened. ”Americans are the people who watch the TV show we are currently producing on this very island! Isn't that something?”
Silence. Neal slumped back on his pillows.
Sarah looked crushed by her failure-and touchingly demure. ”I don't know what to say about Americans, Neal. They'll do anything for no reason whatsoever and go down in flames smiling at the TV camera while doing it. It's kind of awesome, but it worked much better when there were only a few million of us instead of 350 million. There's not much left to consume. In fifteen years, we turn into India. We're a catastrophe in the making.”
Neal looked unutterably sad-and sympathetic. Sarah looked like she was melting. Ho. Ly. f.u.c.k. Neal and Sarah were having a moment of real connection. This was intolerable.
”Neal, about my Cure T-s.h.i.+rt ...”
”What about it, Ray?”
”May I please have it?”
”I don't have your s.h.i.+rt, Ray.”
”Now, now, don't be coy. Just tell me where it is, and I'll fetch it and pretend you never brazenly lied to me like you just did.”
”I didn't take your s.h.i.+rt, Ray. You gave it to Sarah, remember?”
”Oh. Right. I did.” f.u.c.k.
”And I gave it to Fiona,” said Sarah. ”I hope that's okay. She looked so sad, having to jet back to do the recasting. I thought the s.h.i.+rt would be a nice pick-me-up, although I had to Google the Cure to find out who they were.”
”I-” I was livid, but couldn't let on.
”Fiona's back,” said Neal. ”She'll probably be resting up in the tent city.”
”You should go visit her, Raymond. I know she still has strong feelings for you,” Sarah said.
”I'm sure she does.”
Mental images of Fiona's warty face quickly made me remember why I was really there on the North Island: Thong Kong and the promise of unlimited p.u.s.s.y. I felt conflicted because I had genuine feelings for Sarah, yet I also still wanted a full-on highly lubricated orgy. I sighed. Life does throw us these cruel existential puzzles.
Sarah had to leave. ”Bye, fellas. I'm off to tame the beast!”
I was unsure what she meant, but whoever the beast was, I would love to be him, being tamed by Sarah.
41.
”Sarah's a nice girl, Ray. You sweet on her?”
”Neal, I came here for Thong Kong, and I want it now! I want acres of throbbing, needy c.o.c.ktail-bunny quim. I want-wait-I think I am sweet on Sarah.”
”Well, she's a keeper, she is. Just like that LACEY of yours.”
”LACEY is not mine, Neal. Why on earth does everyone think we're life partners?”
”You're the one who had the epic f.u.c.kfest with her.”
”Neal, there's just something not right in the head with LACEY. The only thing you can do to fix a girl like her is go back in time to the age of fourteen, or whenever it was, and unmolest her or whatever it was that happened to her-but you can't really do that, so instead we end up with a world of LACEYs, wasting valuable food and oxygen and causing ma.s.sive problems within the service industry.”
”I hear there's a sacrificial rock nearby. Want to go see it? I need to exercise a bit to help the sprain. Could be fun-a small hike, nature, coconuts ...”
”Neal, you're trying to change the subject. I want a p.u.s.s.y blizzard and instead you offer me a field trip to see a rock?”
”Touch of culture never hurt anyone.”
”And how did they ever get a rock onto this island anyway? The whole place is made of coral.”
”See, Ray-makes you want to investigate, doesn't it?”