Part 15 (2/2)

”Yes Ben. Please let's forget it all and think about the baby. That's all that matters isn't it?” she begged.

He stood up again abruptly.

”No it's not going to happen. It can't happen.”

”But why?” pleaded Katy, grabbing at his wrist, beginning to panic. ”Come on Ben, we can do this.”

Ben spoke quietly and carefully.

”No we can't. It's him you really want isn't it? Well maybe not exactly him but someone like him. Not someone like me. I get it now. I can see how you see me. I just a.r.s.e about all day, playing stupid games with stupid kids, and then I a.r.s.e around all night playing stupid games with my stupid mates. What is there in that for you? You and your posh office and your secretary and your posh lunches and your expense account. How could I ever think that I was anything more than just a bit of fun? No wonder you slept with Matthew.”

Katy sat down abruptly. So that was why Ben hit him. Matthew had told him. Tears streamed down her face.

”I'm so sorry,” she sobbed into her hands. ”It was a stupid, stupid mistake. I never meant to hurt you.”

”It's not like we'd made any commitment or anything is it?” he continued, not seeming to have heard a word Katy had said. ”We hadn't said we weren't going to sleep with other people. I just wish you'd told me, that's all. So I'd have known where I stood. Because now I feel really stupid for thinking this was all going to work out.” He looked down at the floor and started kicking the side of the sofa methodically.

”And you know what. I can see the attraction in a guy like Matthew, honestly I can,” he continued. ”I mean he's got it all, hasn't he. A guy like that can take care of a woman. Good job, big house and he's sensible you know, good dad material. He wouldn't lead his kids astray, like I would. Security, that's what it is, isn't it? That's what you need now. What can I offer? A c.r.a.ppy old Ford Focus and a Leeds United season ticket is all the security I have.”

”Ben stop, please stop.” Katy begged. ”You've got it all wrong, honestly you have.”

”No Katy,” he said, finally looking at her. ”I think for the first time I haven't got it wrong. I've been thinking about this and I realise I was an idiot. I was batting way above my league with you and at some point a guy like Matthew was bound to come along who was on a level with you. And even if you did only sleep with him once, there are a million other Matthews out there who are worthy of you and a million times more capable of taking care of you than I am.” His voice broke and he turned away quickly to hide the tear sliding down his cheek.

”But Ben, there aren't a million more of you. There is no-one else that would make me feel the way that you do,” sobbed Katy.

He wiped his eye wearily before responding.

”And how is that exactly?” he asked.

”Well,” she said, sensing a c.h.i.n.k of hope. She desperately searched for the right words but she had no idea where to start. ”Ben, you're different to all the other guys. You make me laugh and, and...”

”Precisely. It's not enough,” said Ben grimly.

”No wait, listen. It's much more than that. How do I explain? You are the one who stops me being my own worse nightmare. Oh G.o.d, I'm c.r.a.p at this,” she said, waving her arms about in desperation. ”It's like when I tell you we have been arguing at work over how to describe a toilet cleaner, you're the one who says we should just say it cleans up s.h.i.+t.”

”Well, that's what it does.”

”Exactly. But only you could say that.”

”What, that toilet cleaner cleans up s.h.i.+t? Yeah, I sure am proud of that. Thinking of nominating myself for the n.o.bel Prize with words of wisdom like that.”

”No Ben, I'm trying to explain,” she said, getting up and grabbing hold of his wrists. ”I've been thinking about it too and it's because we are so different, that's what makes it right. I don't want someone who's like me, because I would turn into one of those hideous middle-cla.s.s suburban housewives who l.u.s.ts after hanging baskets.”

Ben looked confused.

”But, but...” he stuttered. ”But you're just better than me,” he said finally with a heavy sigh.

”That is so not true,” she said, reaching her hand up tentatively to stroke his cheek, feeling his wet tears on her fingertips. ”You, Ben King,” she said softly, ”Are the funniest, kindest, most loyal, most greatest person I know and I am the luckiest girl on earth to have you.”

Ben stared down at her looking completely stunned. He started to blink very fast, trying to prevent a barrage of tears.

”Really?” he asked, looking deep into her eyes for any sign of pretence.

”Really.” she replied, nodding her head firmly and clenching every single part of her body, willing him to believe her.

”I think I need you to repeat that,” he said quietly.

”I said you are the funniest, kindest, most loyal, most greatest person I know and I am the luckiest girl on earth to have you,” she repeated breathlessly. A smile started to struggle through at the corner of his mouth. It must be working. She tried hard to remember what else she had been thinking in her foggy state over the last few days that might convince Ben they still had a future. ”And you are worth ten of Matthew or any other guy like him and I will regret sleeping with him for the rest of my life,” she said, knowing she had never said a truer word. ”Ben, I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I want you. More than anything, because you stroking my belly is not something I can live without anymore.” She reached down, picked up his hand and pulled it up to her lips for the lightest of kisses before placing it on her belly.

Ben looked deep into her eyes again before looking down at their hands entwined on her stomach. Suddenly he lurched forward, enveloped her in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably.

Katy held him as tightly as she could, breathing heavily. She was absolutely exhausted from her unprecedented emotional outpouring and with the relief that the future might be back on after all.

But then suddenly, without warning, Ben pulled away, wiping his hand across his dripping nose.

”But Katy, I'm not sure I can be a good dad,” he said, shaking his head. ”And you can't take that risk, saddling yourself with a c.r.a.p dad.”

Katy sighed, she wasn't sure she had any energy left to tackle his insecurities about being a good father. But she had to keep going, the end was in sight.

”Ben, I know you'll be a great dad, I just do. And I know it must be so hard to think there is a tiny possibility that the baby isn't yours but that doesn't matter. I think of you as the father. End of story.”

Ben staggered back as if someone had hit him.

”What? What do you mean may not be mine? What the h.e.l.l are you talking about?” he asked, his eyes wide in disbelief.

”What... you mean... oh my G.o.d,” Katy buried her head in her hands.

”What do you mean Katy?” asked Ben again.

Katy couldn't raise her head as she rocked backwards and forwards in shock.

Ben reached down and pulled her hand roughly away from her face.

”What do you mean?” he asked again, almost shouting.

”I thought you would have worked it out. Oh Ben I'm so sorry.”

”About what Katy? Explain what you mean. Now,” he shouted.

With considerable effort Katy blurted out an explanation. ”When me and Matthew had s.e.x, we only did it once I promise but it was about the time I got pregnant, so there is a very small possibility that Matthew could be the father. But Ben it's tiny,” she said, looking up at him pleadingly. ”You and I had s.e.x so many times around then that the baby must be yours. It's got to be, Ben. This baby is yours, I promise you,” she said, gripping his shoulders with her hands and shaking him as if to drill it in to him.

”But I don't understand,” said Ben, backing away from her. ”Are you telling me you've always known this?”

”Well, suspected. But as I say it really is such a tiny possibility that ...that...”

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