Part 5 (1/2)

”You have owned it,” he said.

”It had been pretence with you too, then?” she asked, looking up in surprise.

Tony puffed at his pipe.

”Of late, yes,” he replied. ”Perhaps chiefly since I saw that you were pretending.”

He came back to her side and looked for a long time steadily at her while he thought. It was a surprise to Millie that he had noticed her pretence, as much of a surprise as that he had been pretending too.

For she knew him to be at once slow to notice any change in others and quick to betray it in himself. But she was not aware how wide a place she filled in all his thoughts, partly because her own nature with its facile emotions made her unable to conceive a devotion which was engrossing, and partly because Tony himself had no apt.i.tude for expressing such a devotion, and indeed would have shrunk from its expression had the apt.i.tude been his. But she did fill that wide place. Very slowly he had begun to watch her, very slowly and dimly certain convictions were taking shape, very gradually he was drawing nearer and nearer to a knowledge that a great risk must be taken and a great sacrifice made partly by him, partly too by her. Some part of his trouble he now spoke to her.

”It wasn't pretence a year ago, Millie,” he said wistfully. ”That's what bothers me. We enjoyed slipping away quietly when the house was quiet, and s.n.a.t.c.hing some of the light, some of the laughter the others have any time they want it. It made up for the days, it was fun then, Millie, wasn't it? Upon my word, I believe we enjoyed our life, yes, even this life, a year ago. Do you remember how we used to drive home, laughing over what we had seen, talking about the few people we had spoken to? It wasn't until we had turned the latch-key in the door, and crept into the hall----”

”And pa.s.sed the library door,” Millie interrupted, with a little s.h.i.+ver.

Tony Stretton stopped for a moment. Then he resumed in a lower voice, ”Yes, it wasn't until we had pa.s.sed the library door that the gloom settled down again. But now the fun's all over, at the latest when the lights go down in the supper room, and often before we have got to them at all. We were happy last year”--and he shook her affectionately by the arm--”that's what bothers me.”

His wife responded to the gentleness of his voice and action.

”Never mind, Tony,” she said. ”Some day we shall look back on all of it--this house and the empty rooms and the quarrels”--she hesitated for a second--”Yes, and the library door; we shall look back on it all and laugh.”

”Shall we?” said Tony, suddenly. His face was most serious, his voice most doubtful.

”Why, what do you mean?” asked Millie. Then she added rea.s.suringly, ”It must end some time. Oh yes, it can't last for ever.”

”No,” replied Tony; ”but it can last just long enough.”

”Long enough for what?”

”Long enough to spoil both our lives altogether.”

He was speaking with a manner which was quite strange to her. There was a certainty in his voice, there was a gravity too. He had ceased to leave the remedy of their plight to time and chance, since, through two years, time and chance had failed them. He had been seriously thinking, and as the result of thought he had come to definite conclusions. Millie understood that there was much more behind the words he had spoken and that he meant to say that much more to her to-night. She was suddenly aware that she was face to face with issues momentous to both of them. She began to be a little afraid. She looked at Tony almost as if he were a stranger.

”Tony,” she said faintly, in deprecation.

”We must face it, Millie,” he went on steadily. ”This life of ours here in this house will come to an end, of course, but how will it leave us, you and me? Soured, embittered, quarrelsome, or no longer quarrelsome, but just indifferent to each other, bored by each other?”

He was speaking very slowly, choosing each word with difficulty.

”Oh no,” Millie protested.

”It may be even worse than that. Suppose we pa.s.sed beyond indifference to dislike--yes, active dislike. We are both of us young, we can both reasonably look forward to long lives, long lives of active dislike.

There might too be contempt on your side.”

Millie stared at her husband.

”Contempt?” she said, echoing his words in surprise.

”Yes. Here are you, most unhappy, and I take it sitting down. Contempt might come from that.”