Part 3 (1/2)

'Ravana is the King of the Rakshasas.' His smile suggested he did not mind stating the obvious for us.

Geordie burst into laughter. 'Ask a daft question, Stubby, get a daft b.l.o.o.d.y answer!'

But I was fascinated by the monkey G.o.d. I knew how he felt, Wally was furious that I was taking the matter seriously.

'What do you f.u.c.king care what this monster did? The bloke who painted that ought to be put away for keeps!' He thumped an adjacent picture, which showed an impossibly pink and rounded young lady with curly nostrils, busily balancing on one foot on a green leaf in a bright blue pool. 'Who's the pusher, Johnny?'

'Yes, yes, this lady is Lakshmi, sahib, the lady-G.o.d of foj-tune and also the pleasure of the G.o.d Vishnu, according to our religion of Hinduism, sahib. If you like buy one or two picture very cheap?'

'I don't want to buy the b.l.o.o.d.y things, do I? I've got no time for all that rubbish. It's a load of f.u.c.king junk, if you ask me.'

'The pictures demonstrate items in our religion, sahib.'

'Well then, that's your look-out, mate, ain't it? Just don't try to convert me to the b.l.o.o.d.y nonsense, that's all!'

Ganesh, the elephant G.o.d, hung there too, with diamonds in his trunk. Wally knocked him and sent him swinging, to show what he felt about Hinduism.

'Come on, Wally, like - I don't think you ought to take the p.i.s.s out of the poor sod!' Geordie said. 'He's got his living to earn.'

'How much? Kitna pice ek picture?' I asked the stall-keeper.

'G.o.ds and lady-G.o.ds all one low price, sahib, only five rupee yevery painting. Very lovely things to look upon, in the day or even night-time. Five rupee. No, sir, you young gentlemen now from the barracks, I know - four rupee! For you, four rupee I'

Wilkinson was trying to move Page on, arguing in his vague way. He now tried to move me on as well - not that I had any intention of paying four or five rupees. Seeing us about to move away, across the plank over his well-flavoured ditch, the stall-holder called that he would accept three rupees.

'Tell him to f.u.c.k off,' Page said. 'All that sort of thing gives me a pain in the a.r.s.e. It's downright sinful!

Let's go and get something to drink!'

'Yes, let's go and get something to drink,' Geordie said.

'I'll have a drink when I feel like it, and not before. You two p.i.s.s off if you're so b.l.o.o.d.y thirsty! Give you one rupee for the monkey G.o.d, Johnny!'

The stall-holder came to the plank and bowed his head, regarding me at the same time under his brows.

'You very hard man, sahib, me very poor man with wife to keep and many many chikos to give food, and mother also very sick, all about her body. This is real good Indian painting, sir, for to take home to your lady in England.'

'I'm not going home. I'm here to stay. I'll give you one rupee.'

'Come on, Stubbs, f.u.c.k it - you can buy three beers for one rupee!'

'Aye, tell him to stuff it up his jumper!'

I gave up and yielded to my friends' gentle advice. As I moved across the plank, the stall-keeper followed, one hand out.

'All right, sahib, I take one rupee. Come, come, you give!'

Page clouted himself on the head several times. 'You don't want that f.u.c.king thing, Stubbs! You c.u.n.t, come and have a drink! I ain't buying you a beer if you waste your money on that load of old rubbis.h.!.+'

But I went back across the ditch and waited patiently while Hanuman was rolled up inside a sheet of frail pink paper.

As I came away with it, Wally and Geordie made pantomimes of staggering about in disgust, clutching their throats and vomiting into the ditch.

'Don't bring that horrible thing near me, Stubbs!' Wally said. 'You must have more b.o.l.l.o.c.ks than brains!

We haven't been out here five minutes and you're going f.u.c.king native already. Isn't he, Geordie?'

'Besides, if he'd hung on, he could have got the thing for half a rupee,' Geordie said. It's really a terrible country -you have to say it!'

'Git your loin cloth on, Stubbs, you jungley wallah!'

'I'll fling you into the f.u.c.king ditch, Page, along with the other t.u.r.ds, if you don't shut your a.r.s.e! Let's go and get a b.l.o.o.d.y beer!'

After a b.l.o.o.d.y beer, we went to the cinema. Being a garrison town, Kanchapur boasted three cinemas.

One, which showed only native films, was Out of Bounds. The other two, the Vaudette and the Luxor, were in bounds and changed their programme every Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday. Wally, Geordie, and I went to the Luxor, sitting among the peanut sh.e.l.ls in the front row but one, to wallow in The Girl He Left Behind in which - have I remembered aright after all these years? - Alice Faye sang A Journey to a Star and No Love, No Nothin'.

Later, back in the aimless main street, night hung like Technicolor in the trees. The promptings of l.u.s.t were on every side. Kanchapur's street lights, infrequent and yellow, were besieged by a confetti of insects. Every shop was open. Soldiers apart, there were not so many people about, yet the impression was of bustle. A man in a dhoti spat a great gob of betel-juice at our feet as we pa.s.sed.

'Dirty b.a.s.t.a.r.ds!' Wally said automatically.

We made our way to a restaurant and sat out on the verandah bellowing for a waiter with plenty of fine deep-throated 'Jhaldi jaos'. We ordered five eggs-and-chips and beer three times. It felt good to be sitting there, chatting idly about the film as we ate, occasionally waving to a friend in the street, and slapping the odd mosquito that settled on our fists.

Geordie set his knife and fork down and leaned back in the wicker chair.

'Aye, well, that was almost as good as getting stuck up Alice Faye.'

'I'd rather have Ida Lupino.'

Ida Lu-f.u.c.king-pino? b.a.l.l.s, she's got no figure - Alice Faye's lovely, built like a brick s.h.i.+thouse!'

'She's just an old cow. Even you can see that, Geordie P While this debate on female standards of beauty was in progress, Wally leant forward and grabbed my rolled-up picture of Hanuman, which was lying on the table.

'Let go of that, you b.a.s.t.a.r.d!' I seized him by his curly yellow wrist. He laughed, pulled back, and crunched the cylinder. I hit him in the chest with my left fist.

The next moment, we were on our feet and confronting each other. I was so angry, I hardly took any notice of Geordie, who was shouting feebly at us both to sit down.

'Come outside, you lousy thieving b.a.s.t.a.r.d, and I'll teach you to maul other people's property about!'

'You couldn't teach a pig to p.i.s.s, you ill-tempered b.a.s.t.a.r.d ! I only wanted to look at the f.u.c.king thing P 'What did you screw it up for then, you interfering c.u.n.t?'

Wally went all quiet and crouchy, as if he was about to jump on me.

'Don't you call me a c.u.n.t, you Midland p.r.i.c.k, you, or I'll sort you out!'

'You and who else?' I waved a fist in his face.

Waiters were running up, fluttering their hands about us and cooing with alarm. People at other tables were jumping up, and Geordie was trying to get us away. Tor Christ sake, you couple of dumb 'erbs, do you want the f.u.c.king Redcaps on us? Pipe down! Pay your b.l.o.o.d.y money and let's get out of here!'