Chapter 10 (1/2)

Don’t Lose Sight of Me

Back when Hajikano and I went home from school together, there were goldfish in the entryway of her house.

They were little wakin goldfish, which Hajikano won from a scooping game. The bowl was the size of a smallish watermelon, and the water was faintly blue, which made the green of the plants and the red of the goldfish show up better.

At the time, I wasn’t allowed to go into Hajikano’s house, but I remembered the contrast of those three colors with strange clarity. Maybe when Hajikano opened the door, I was embarra.s.sed to look her in the eye, so my gaze always fled to the fishbowl in the back.

The three fish that were there in summer dwindled down to one fish by winter. As for the last one, he (or she) died just before a year had pa.s.sed since my first visit to the house. That was pretty good for goldfish you won in a game, I thought. She must have cared for them well.

For whatever reason, Hajikano’s parents kept the empty fishbowl there. True, even without any fish in it, it was plenty beautiful in its own way; the light from the window hitting the bowl producing a blue shadow, the c.o.o.ntail slowly swaying in the water. But with the knowledge of the time when the goldfish were there, seeing the bowl lacking its red always put me in a melancholy mood.

Ever since, whenever there was something lonely or empty, that comparison came to mind. “Just like a fishbowl that’s lost its goldfish.”

*

The next morning, I took the bus from the station to Minagisa Central Hospital. I pondered it briefly, but decided not to buy flowers. In my experience, there was no visiting gift quite as “what do I do with this?” as flowers.

The bus was full of old people, and I was the only young one. For a bus headed to a hospital, I found it odd how there were no pa.s.sengers who seemed in poor health. But I doubted they were all visitors like me. In a book I read once, there was a scene where an old man is asked, “How are you feeling?”, and he jokingly replies, “If I were a little better, I might have to call a doctor.” Maybe it was something along those lines. The people riding this bus were those with the stamina left to get to the hospital themselves.

Once at the hospital, I didn’t go straight to the reception desk, but instead the smoking area on the outskirts of the parking lot. It was a prefab building with a gla.s.s sliding door which seemed to have been around for a long time, and the ceiling was yellowed as if painted with nicotine. After checking there was no one else there, I smoked two cigarettes, then slowly went around the hospital perimeter to calm myself. Once I got my visitor pa.s.s from the front desk, I took a deep breath and went up the elevator.

When I arrived in her hospital room, Hajikano was stooped over at the side of the bed, sorting her bag. She wasn’t in a hospital gown today, but rather a linen blouse and a neat light-lilac skirt. “Hajikano,” I called, and she swiftly turned around. “Hinohara.” Her eyes twinkled as she stood up. Yes, I couldn’t forget. Here, I was Yuuya Hinohara.

“So, you came again today.”

Hajikano bowed her head. It was an unimaginable response from her prior to losing her memory. Like Hajikano from just after she got to know me.

“Yeah. How are you feeling?”

“Very healthy.” She sat on the bed and smiled at me. “It’s good you came in the morning. If you came at noon, we might have pa.s.sed each other by.”

“Pa.s.sed by? Are you being let out already?”

“Yes. Just this morning, I was given permission to leave.”

Weird, I thought. I’d once read a collection of notes from people who attempted suicide, and according to that, some whose suicides failed were kept in isolation wards for weeks or months in the name of recuperation. Those who were likely to make another attempt had to be temporarily restrained.

Judging from the soft treatment here, I had to imagine Hajikano’s fall into the sea was being treated as an accident resulting from lack of attention. After all, she was extremely calm now, and maybe it was judged better to call it an accident than brand a sixteen-year-old as a suicide attempter. Or maybe they really did think it was an accident?

Hajikano looked up at the clock. “My father will come pick me up in about an hour. Would you be all right riding home with me?”

I wasn’t really in favor of meeting with her father, but not wanting to refuse her good will, I nodded my head. “Thanks. I’ll do that.”

I took a folding chair leaning against the wall, set it up by the bed, and sat down. Hajikano clapped as she remembered something, opened the fridge, took out two cups of mizu-youkan, and handed one to me. I thanked her.

While throwing away the empty container and plastic spoon in the trash can, Hajikano sighed all of a sudden.

“After you left yesterday, Hinohara, I kept reading through my diary. It seems that besides just you, I was also relatively friendly with Chigusa Ogiue and my cla.s.smate from elementary school, Yosuke f.u.kamachi.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” I nodded, hiding my inner turmoil.

“The four of us gathered every night to stargaze, correct?”

“Right. At first, it was just you doing it, but one day f.u.kamachi joined you. And later, so did me and Ogiue.”

“We must have had fairly close relations.h.i.+ps to see each other every night.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say we hit it off perfectly. But there was a fairly friendly mood.”

“Say, Hinohara.” She looked into my eyes. “Why is it only you’ve visited, and the other two haven’t contacted me at all? Did I exhaust all the good will out of Ogiue and f.u.kamachi?”

I’d antic.i.p.ated her asking about the other two since the moment I learned about her diary yesterday. Once she read back a few weeks, it was natural she’d have doubts about the other stargazing members not showing up or contacting her. So I was sure to prepare an answer to that question in advance.

“You’re a.s.suming much worse than it is.” I smiled to soothe her. “First, f.u.kamachi seems to have his own perspective on things. I asked him to come visit, but he said ”It’s best to leave her be for now.” The truth is, I think he wanted to stop me from coming too. Guess he’s really prudent… worried in the weirdest ways. Now, Ogiue - and this surprised me too - she’s moving to Canada in September as a foreign exchange student. Said she always wanted to do that. Thinking about it, though, she was better in English than any of her other subjects. She probably didn’t tell anyone until she left because she didn’t want to be annoying.“

Hajikano looked down thoughtfully, and after about two breaths of silence, closed her eyes and smiled.

”You’re so kind, Hinohara.”

“What do you mean?”, I played dumb.

“Exactly what it sounds like.”

Hajikano seemed to have decided not to press me on my excuses.

“And I have to say, it’s rather unexpected. Reading my diary, I had the impression you were more blunt and foul-mouthed… but talking with you now, I don’t get that feeling.”

“I’m holding off since it’s a hospital.”

“As I thought, you’re taking care not to injure me?”

How would Hinohara respond here? My thoughts raced.

I replied like so.

“Yeah, that’s right. Wouldn’t want you killing yourself again.”

At this, Hajikano’s expression brightened slightly.

“It helps for you to treat me with such honesty.”

She patted the s.p.a.ce to her right. “Over here, please.”

I sat down next to her as told. Because of the safety bars on the side, there was little room to sit, so our shoulders ended up stuck together. Being so close made it more obvious than ever how our bodies differed. It was striking, as if my body’s blueprint was drawn with a ruler and pencil, and her body’s blueprint was drawn with a curved rule and drafting pen. There was a large contrast in degree of detail as well, and her skin was as white as if someone forgot to color it. My skin had been tanned light brown over the course of the past month.

“Hey, Hinohara, please tell me.” Hajikano put her hands together on her thighs, bent forward a little, and looked up at my face. “About all the things I’ve forgotten. There’s only so much written in my diary.”

“There’s no need to rush,” I said admonis.h.i.+ngly. “For now, you can focus on resting your body and mind. No one will hurry you up, so you can remember slowly.”

“But I can’t keep troubling you all, can I? And also…”

“Also?”

Hajikano stood up wordlessly, put her hand on the window frame, and looked up at the sky.

“You may scold me for saying this, Hinohara.” She turned around, then smiled in a way that emphasized it was a joke. “If getting back my memories led me to attempt suicide again, I believe I would make sure not to fail this time. I think doing that would be a resolution, in its own way. My worries would vanish, and no one would be getting pushed around by me any longer.”

Without thinking, I stood up and grabbed Hajikano’s shoulder. She seemed extremely startled and cowered, but I think I was even more surprised. My mind couldn’t keep up with my actions. Whoa, what am I trying to do here? But my body moved before I could think. Once my hands went around her back, I finally understood the mistake I was about to make, but it was too late. A moment later, I was embracing Hajikano from the front.

Is there an action more cowardly than this?, I wondered. Using another person’s name to hug a girl I’d kept pining after unrequited. This was a complete violation of the rules. No excuse would hold water. Once her memory returned, I would be rightfully scorned.

But, I thought at the same time. What was I planning to do at this point? Ten days left. In just ten days, I would have to leave this world. Couldn’t I be forgiven a lie like this? I wouldn’t be punished for some slightly happy memories at the end, would I?

“H-Hinohara?”

Hajikano said my name - no, his name - questioning the meaning of my actions. She was stiff with confusion, but still didn’t push me away. I stroked her back to calm her, but this had the complete opposite effect. My arms sought her warmth and hugged her body tighter.

“You don’t have to remember anything,” I said into her ear. “When someone forgets something, it means it should be forgotten. So there’s no need to force yourself to remember.”

“…Is that right?”

“It is.”

She thought, with her face still buried in my chest.

“But… I’m uneasy. I feel I’m forgetting something tremendously important.”

I shook my head. “It’s a common illusion. Even if it’s trash, as soon as you lose it, it makes you uneasy. What if what you threw away really held unbelievable value? But turning over the trash can to get it back, you’ll find it’s just trash after all.”

Hajikano twisted her body as if in pain, and I noticed I was holding her tighter than I thought, so I quickly weakened my grip.

“Yes, that’s about the right strength.” The tension left Hajikano’s body with relief.

“Sorry,” I apologized, then went on. “…People end up forgetting lots of things sooner or later. Only a handful of people can remember every little thing. But n.o.body complains about it. Why do you think that is? Because in the end, memories are no more than trophies or mementos, and everyone knows deep in their heart that what’s important is the present, this very moment.”

I slowly released Hajikano from my arms, and she dizzily stepped away and fell back on the bed. She looked at me with a peaceful expression. After a few seconds, she came to her senses, and seeming to be struck with the worry that someone was seeing this, looked around restlessly. Seeing her so distracted was new to me, so I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Hey, Hajikano. It’s still summer break. And it’s no ordinary summer. It’s the summer when we’re sixteen. Instead of worrying about your lost memories, don’t you think it’s wiser to enjoy this time?”

She stared at her lap, thinking about what I said. Eventually, she spoke.

“…Yes, you might be right. But even if you tell me to enjoy this moment, I don’t know what exactly I should do.”

I responded at once. “I’ll help. I mean, let me help.”

Hajikano blinked with surprise at the quickness of my reply.

“This may be a naive question,” she began, fiddling with her hair, “but why would you go so far for me?”

“I can tell you, but you might regret asking.”

“I don’t care. Please, tell me.”

“It’s simple. I like you, Hajikano. And not as a friend, but as a girl. So I want to lend my aid, if only a little. And hopefully be liked a little in return.”

Geez, did I understand what I was doing? I kept being taken aback by myself. Deceiving a girl with memory loss by a.s.suming a friend’s name, confusing her, and opening my heart about what I couldn’t confess to her before. I was no different from a guy wooing a girl by abusing his social standing and getting her drunk to lower her defenses.

“Wait, hold on a moment.” Hajikano had a complicated expression that could be taken as anger or on the verge of tears, and she seemed very bewildered. “I mean… Um, in my diary, it seemed like you were captivated by Ogiue…”

“The writer of that diary must have thought so. But that’s not the truth. From the day we met, I’ve been captivated by you.”

Hajikano opened her mouth to say something, but it seemed like the words broke up into pieces before they got out her throat. I waited for her to gather them back up, but her lost words wouldn’t return.

She began putting together new words. And once she blinked with a certain level of conviction, she lifted her head. She put her hands on the bed to stand up, then fell toward me. I caught her thin body immediately, holding onto it carefully.

“I’ll stop trying to remember,” Hajikano said in a slightly blurred voice. “There couldn’t be any memories more wonderful than this moment, after all.”

I stroked her head like a little child’s. “That’s for the best.”

Hajikano kept repeating “Hinohara, Hinohara” into my chest to confirm my existence. Every time I heard her say that someone else’s name, my heart ached.

She released her arms from me and wiped tears at the edge of her eyes with her palm. Wind coming through the window blew her hair, and right after, the buzz of cicadas returned as if time was resuming. Up to then, I had only heard Hajikano’s voice.

“Hinohara, please a.s.sist me,” she said, holding down her hair with one hand. “Make at least the last ten days of my summer of sixteen wonderful ones.”

“Leave it to me.”

I firmly grabbed her right hand as she extended it.

We didn’t let go until her father came to pick her up.

*

The next day, a letter arrived at my house. I took out out of the mailbox and flipped the envelope over. When I saw the sender’s name, I gulped.

It was a letter from Chigusa Ogiue.

It didn’t seem I had been sent a letter from beyond the grave. There was a sticker indicating the date to be sent in the corner, and the postmark was from eight days ago. August 14th, the day Chigusa suggested that I desert Hajikano. Chigusa gave me a letter about Hajikano’s past on August 15th, but it seemed she had left another one.

There should have been plenty of opportunities, so why didn’t Chigusa give me this letter directly? Did she antic.i.p.ate dying before she could meet with me and talk, and thus leave this letter just in case? But if that were it, why have it sent eight days later?

Itching to know the answer, I went to my room, opened the envelope, and took out the folded letter. It was familiar stationery. The same as the letter she gave me on the 15th. I sat down in a chair and looked over it.

“f.u.kamachi, you must be wondering why you’re receiving a letter from me at this time,” the letter began. “To tell the truth, I don’t quite know either. Let us say the reason is: ”Thinking that on August 15th, you would be distraught over Hajikano’s suicide attempt and my disappearance, I left a few days gap to not confuse you further.” But perhaps deep down, I feel that this letter shouldn’t reach you, f.u.kamachi. Why? Because written here is a way for both you and Hajikano to survive.“

I read over that sentence three times to be sure I wasn’t misreading it. ”A way for both you and Hajikano to survive.” That was, indeed, what it said.

Holding off my impatience, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“However,” it went on. “This is, in a sense, a fantasy of mine. I have not a shred of proof, and even if my predictions are all correct, there is not even a whole percent of chance that you will be saved. So please, do not get your hopes up.”

There was a double line break after that. Here comes the juicy part, I supposed.

“I have had five exchanges with the woman on the phone thus far. Most of the calls were at night, but just once, the phone rang in the evening. Exactly at 5 PM on July 29th. I remember the time because just as I answered the phone, I heard a chime indicating 5 PM on the other side of the call. Since I heard it so clearly, she must have been very close to the speaker.”

Now that it was brought to my attention, I realized how I didn’t pay much attention to background noise when I talked with the woman on the phone. But consciously searching my memories for it, I felt there were often noises like wind during our conversations.

“I will get to the point. That woman is somewhere in this town,” the letter continued. “The chime I heard was clearly the Mermaid’s Song. It goes without saying that this chime is used to indicate evening only in Minagisa. And one more point. I did not only hear the Mermaid’s Song. Just before the call ended, I heard train brakes on the other end. It was around 5:05 PM. As you’re aware, the tracks that run through Minagisa are single-track, and thus few in number. The places where, at that time, one could hear both the chime and brakes nearby, are extremely limited.”

I swallowed. A bead of sweat fell from my forehead onto the letter.

“Now, let me present a convenient theory. ”When that woman calls us, she always uses a specific phone booth.” Of course, I have hardly any proof of this. I just heard many of the same noises each time, so I thought it would not be too unusual. …Now, following this hopeful a.s.sumption, I had a somewhat interesting discovery. There exist at most only four or five public phones in Minagisa where you can both hear the 5 PM chime and brakes at 5:05 PM.“

But, I thought.

What would I do with that knowledge?

”Perhaps nothing can be done with that knowledge,” Chigusa wrote. “a.s.suming you learn the place that woman is calling from, and by overlapping coincidences, end up present while she is calling there, I do not think she would be open to any dealings with you. Not only that, it may end up angering her. Or perhaps the woman on the phone is no more than a conceptual ent.i.ty with no physical form, who cannot be found anywhere on the Earth. In any case, a search for her is most likely to end in vain. Any amount of effort may only be a waste of the time you have left. And yet, even so, is it not preferable to meeting your final day having done nothing? …Of course, the best thing would be to win the bet with fair methods. But considering Hajikano’s current state, that also feels extremely unrealistic. I cannot even be sure if she will be alive by the time this letter reaches you. (Though naturally, even if Hajikano tried to kill herself being unable to bear the weight of her sin, perhaps the woman on the phone would save her to prolong her bet with you.)”

Then Chigusa began to wrap up the letter around the next sentence.

“There is very much I’d like to tell you, f.u.kamachi, but I think I will discuss those things with you in person. It’s strange; one should be able to more accurately describe things in writing than orally, but everyone ultimately trusts the latter more. Maybe accuracy isn’t such an important thing when it comes to words. Well then, tomorrow - eight days ago, to you - I look forward to meeting you.”

I re-read the letter four times, folded it up, and put it back in the envelope.

I was happy that Chigusa was wis.h.i.+ng for my safety to the very last moment. But it was just like she said; a search for the woman on the phone would most likely end in vain. If by some mistake I found that woman, I could say nothing after having already been given a penalty for “acting in violation of the rules” just yesterday. I couldn’t imagine there being any room for negotiation. And as Chigusa also indicated, it wasn’t guaranteed she was even a physical ent.i.ty.

No matter from what perspective, using my remaining ten days to find the woman and have her rescind the bet seemed like a dim prospect. And I would rather use my time for Hajikano than stake it on a long shot.

I’d had it with this sink-or-swim bet.

I stuck the envelope in a drawer and left the house.

At this point, I recalled something I’d neglected to ask the woman on the phone. She once connected the lines to give me at home and Hajikano at Chakagawa Station a chance to talk on the phone, but to what aim? To give me a faint hope so as to deepen the despair later? I had gotten no explanation about it from her. Something’s strange there, I thought. I didn’t know how to express it, but something didn’t sit right.

*

After thirty minutes by train, switching over to a bus for ten minutes on an old highway, and after getting off the bus, walking for twenty more minutes through a riverside residential district with map in hand, I finally arrived at Hajikano’s grandma’s house.

It was an awfully old two-story house. Numerous tiles were missing from the roof, the paint peeled more the higher you went up the clinker-built walls, and the cracked polished gla.s.s of the kitchen was patched up with packing tape. Along the path to the front door, the boughs and leaves of overgrown trees formed a tunnel. Ducking under the tunnel to reach the door, I smelled a unique scent mixing nukazuke, boiling food, grilled fish, and rush plants. To say it outright, the smell of an old person’s house.

Yesterday, Hajikano had given me directions here as I left.

“I’m forbidden from going out on my own. I think it’ll be difficult for me to meet you, Hinohara. So I’m sorry, but can you come meet me?”

“Of course I will,” I said, and Hajikano smiled softly.

Hajikano was to recuperate for a while here. There was nothing to stimulate her here, and no worry of meeting people she knew and digging up memories. Also, as I’d heard it from Aya, Hajikano had been rather attached to their grandmother on her father’s side, who lived alone here. Even after those blank four days that drastically altered her personality, she would come here on her own periodically. Her parents probably took that into account and decided this house would be a perfect place for recuperation. Her grandmother didn’t especially see eye to eye with her son and his wife, but seemingly opened up to her granddaughter Hajikano.

After ringing the doorbell, I heard the floor creak, and some time later, the gla.s.s sliding door opened. There appeared a thin woman over 70 or so. Her hair was all white and her skin wrinkled, but she stood up startlingly straight. Looking closer at her wrinkled face, the left and right sides had a different feel; her right eye seemed to glare at me, yet her left eye observed me neutrally. Her mouth was firmly shut, and she gave me an impression of considerable intelligence for her age.

So, this was Hajikano’s grandmother.

I opened my mouth to explain myself, but she shook her head.

“Aya’s already told me. Come in.”

With only that, Hajikano’s grandma turned her back and went inside. Wanted me to come along? I went inside and politely closed the sliding door, took off my shoes, and followed her. With each step down the hall, the plywood floor creaked.

Opening a screen door to enter an old j.a.panese-style room, Hajikano’s grandma sat at a low table. Seeing me standing in front of the door with nothing to do, she looked stunned. “What’re you doing? Sit.”

I sat at the table, then asked.,“Where is Miss Yui?”

“Still in the bath. She must’ve been tired yesterday, since she slept as soon as she got here.”

Seeming to remember something, she stood up and left the room, leaving me behind.

I took a look around the room. The first thing I noticed was a giant altar. It was decorated with two small watermelons and two ears of corn, arranged symmetrically on the left and right. There was a wicker lounge chair with a half-read book on the seat. On an antique shelf were two j.a.panese-style dolls in a gla.s.s case. There was a calendar hanging from a lintel that was still on May. While it was an orderly room, it seemed like it ended up the way it had not because of frequent cleaning, but because it didn’t see much in the way of being “lived in.”

Hajikano’s grandmother soon returned and poured me barley tea in a gla.s.s. I thanked her, took a sip, and spoke.

“Could I ask your name, ma'am?”

“Yos.h.i.+e Hajikano,” she answered. “Wasn’t it on the plate outside?”

“Mrs. Yos.h.i.+e, what has Miss Aya told you?”

“That my fool granddaughter jumped in the sea and came back with her memories gone. And so now I need to look after her.”

“I see.” If she knew that much, it seemed I didn’t have to tiptoe around things with her. “Incidentally, what do you think of me?”

“I hear you’re a curious man who likes diving into trouble.” Yos.h.i.+e’s lips lifted just a millimeter. “Aya seems mighty fond of you.”

That expression she briefly showed me was the spitting image of Aya’s smile. Aya sure takes after her, I thought.

I guessed that Aya hadn’t told Yos.h.i.+e that I was Yosuke f.u.kamachi in the guise of Yuuya Hinohara. Way to go, Aya, making allowances for a lie like that. It was just more convenient for Yos.h.i.+e not to know about my use of a fake name.

Yos.h.i.+e took a cigarette from the table and lit it with a match. She put out the match with familiar movements and put it in a gla.s.s ashtray, then took in a deep breath of smoke, letting it out slowly.

“Want something to eat?”

“No, I’m fine.”

After that, we didn’t exchange a word up until Yos.h.i.+e’s cigarette was done. Through a bamboo screen, I heard windchimes. Listening closely, I heard the water of a shower from the other side of the hall. They were refres.h.i.+ng sounds to be sure, but in reality, it was swelteringly hot in the room. The sun-baked fan next to the altar wasn’t having any real effect, and there was no way this house had air conditioning.

The awkward silence continued. The clock on the wall was broken, so I didn’t know the exact time, but it felt like twenty minutes at least. It was like a bunch of ancient time had been locked in this room and came out now to lengthen the gap before Hajikano appeared.