Part 3 (1/2)

'I lost it,' says Silvana. She doesn't say any more than that.

'I'll get you another one,' he tells her, feeling generous and good. He has to explain to her how things are in Britain. 'A married woman needs a wedding ring. People look at women's hands here. They look to see who you are.'

He reaches out to touch Silvana's hair and feels her flinch slightly.

'I'm sorry I don't have news of the family,' she says. 'I wish I had something to tell you.'

'It doesn't matter. I keep writing, you know. Every time a different address, just in case somebody knows something. I think I've written to everybody in our hometown. I sent letters to your parents too.'

'My parents? Did they reply?'

'No. But the Red Cross officer told me it can take years for letters to get through. I've not given up hope. And look. Here you are.' He takes her hand. 'Are you glad I found you? After all these years I wasn't sure... I have to ask. I didn't know if you had met somebody else...'

Silvana shakes her head vehemently and he regrets asking the question.

'I had Aurek.'

There is a silence between them. Finally it is Silvana who breaks it.

'And you?'

'Me? No. n.o.body.'

With that one sentence he feels as if he has crossed over a deep ravine, leaving Helene and the past far behind him. There was n.o.body There was n.o.body. And here he is in the present, where he so desperately wants to be.

'I waited for you,' he whispers, and believes what he says. He'll make this work. There are a thousand questions in his head. He is hungry to know what her life has been. He cannot understand how she survived living in a forest, although he has heard of whole villages that abandoned their homes and took shelter in the trees. Every question that comes to him dies before it reaches his lips. It is not the time for questions yet. She looks so tired. Violet shadows colour the hollowed skin under her eyes. Maybe he should tuck the covers around her and leave her to sleep.

Silvana pats the eiderdown quilt. 'Do you want to lie beside me?'

'Shall I? Say if it's too early...' He wonders at the foolishness of his words. Too early? After six years, surely he means too late?

'I used to imagine this,' she says, and Ja.n.u.sz hears the tremble in her voice. 'You and me. A house. All three of us, together again. It's all I ever wanted.'

She pulls the covers back and moves to make room for him. Ja.n.u.sz turns off the bedside lamp. Lifting her nightdress, he slides his hands over her and hears her exhale deeply. A s.h.i.+ver runs through him. That sound. It is the sound of the girl he once loved coming from a woman he knows not at all.

Her hips, like misplaced elbows, rise up from her belly. Her body is all angles and depressions. Silvana takes his hand and places it on her breast. It is soft and warm and full. It is so long since he has touched a woman, and he climbs across her awkwardly.

'Is this all right?'

He is afraid to let his weight rest against her, but she opens her thighs and draws him towards her, whispering his name, wrapping her legs around him. In the darkness he grips the edge of the mattress, and then Helene is in his mind and he shuts his eyes to get rid of her. He has to stop this craziness. Silvana's breathing hurries and the quick rasp of her voice in his ear sends a hot rush of pleasure through him, dispelling other thoughts. His loneliness falls away from him like unb.u.t.toned clothes. Maybe this will be all right. Maybe they can do this. Live here, together. Forget Helene. Make a family. He presses his cheek against her shorn hair, kisses her ear, licks it, folds the lobe against his teeth.

Something touches his hand. He moves slightly, vaguely aware of the feeling. His little finger is being pulled back sharply. 'What the...?' He starts. 'Who's there? What the h.e.l.l is going on?'

He tumbles off Silvana and falls between the beds, scrambling to his feet.

'Aurek?' says Silvana.

Ja.n.u.sz turns on the main light and the child looks at him, staring him down with wide, dark eyes. There's a possessive, adult fierceness in the boy's gaze that leaves Ja.n.u.sz speechless for a moment. He b.u.t.tons his pyjama top and glares back at the boy.

'Aurek? What are you doing here? Go to bed.'

Silvana is pulling back the covers, holding out her hands to the child.

'No, no. Let him stay.'

'What does he want?' asks Ja.n.u.sz. 'What is it, Aurek? Were you scared of something?'

Aurek looks at his mother and makes a small mewing noise.

'He's thirsty,' says Silvana. 'Please don't shout.'

The boy climbs into bed quicker than Ja.n.u.sz can protest, and Silvana wraps her arms around him. He watches as the child takes his place, small hands reaching for Silvana's breast, dipping his head, taking the nipple in his mouth.

'No,' says Ja.n.u.sz. 'No. Stop. You can't do that. Aurek, get out. Go to bed.'

Silvana's face is blank and impossible to read.

'I'm sorry,' she says, her chin resting on the boy's head. 'Next time. When Aurek doesn't need me.'

Poland

Silvana

Ja.n.u.sz's father found the newly-weds a small flat in Warsaw. Two rooms on the top floor of a tall town house. They filled a suitcase and a trunk with their belongings and took a bus to the city.

'I should carry you over the threshold,' said Ja.n.u.sz as he put the key in the lock.

Silvana hesitated. He looked so handsome, his blue eyes s.h.i.+ning at her. n.o.body had ever looked at her the way he did. It was as if he saw something different in her, a truth that he had long been searching for. Of course he wanted to carry her into her new home. That's what a husband had to do.

'I'm not sure, Jan,' she said. 'Is it safe? For the baby, I mean. Look, why don't I give you my gloves and hat. You could carry them inside for me instead.'

She saw the sadness in his face, and her optimism gave way to doubt. Perhaps he thought they had got things wrong, the baby coming along so quickly. Had he married her out of duty? By rights Ja.n.u.sz should be at university now, not offering to carry a pregnant peasant girl over the threshold of an attic apartment. Perhaps he was disappointed by the turn of events. Certainly his parents had been against the marriage.

But if Ja.n.u.sz was frustrated by his new life, he showed no sign of it.

'Come here,' he said laughing, and picked her up, making a big show of groaning and puffing out his cheeks, as if she were a huge burden to lift. He walked one step and then stood her down inside the door.

Silvana looked around the tiny flat. She finally had her own home.

Ja.n.u.sz jumped onto the kitchen table. 'Can you climb up here? I want to show you the view. I'll hold you tight, I promise.'

Through the skylight window it was possible to see the tops of the trees in the park.

'It's wonderful,' she breathed, the table rocking slightly under their weight. 'The city is wonderful.'