Part 70 (1/2)
”Let me--without rubbing your cloth the wrong way--put the case in mine.
Your belief in a Power that my reason tells me is non-existent stimulated your nervous centres, roused and sustained in you the determination without which my science and my skill--and I do not value them lightly, I a.s.sure you--would have availed you nothing. You said to yourself, 'If G.o.d will it, I shall get over this,' and because _you_ willed it, it was so.
Were I a drunkard, an outcast, the very refuse of humanity, tainted with vice to the very centre of my being, I have but to will to be sober and live decently, and while I continue to will it, I shall be what I desire to be.”
Saxham's eyes hold Julius's, and challenge them. But no shadow of a Dop Doctor who once reeled the streets of Gueldersdorp rises from those clear brown depths as the speaker ends, ”Don't underestimate the power of the Human Will, Fraithorn, for it can remove mountains, and raise the living dead.”
”Nor do you venture to deny the Power of the Almighty Hand, Saxham,”
answers the thin, sweet voice of the Churchman; ”because It strewed the myriad worlds in the Dust of the The Infinite, and set the jewelled feathers in the b.u.t.terfly's wing, and forged the very intellect whose power you misuse in uttering the boast that denies It. Think again. Can you a.s.sure me with truth that you have never, in the stress of some great mental or physical crisis, cried to Heaven for help when the struggle was at its worst? Think again, Saxham.”
But Saxham obstinately shakes his head, still smiling. As he stands there transfigured by the dark, fierce spirit that has come upon him and possessed him, there is something about the hulking man with the square, black head and the powerful frame, that breathes of that superb and terrible Prince of the Heavenly Hierarchy who fell through a kindred sin, and the priest in Julius shudders, recognising the tremendous power of such a nature as this, whether turned towards Evil or bent to achieve Good. The while, in letters of delicate, keen flame, the denier sees written on the tables of his inward consciousness the utterance that once broke from him, as, racked and tortured in body and in soul, he wrestled with his devil on that unforgettable night.
”O G.o.d! if indeed Thou Art, and I must perforce return to live the life of a man amongst men, help me to burst the chains that fetter me. Help me--oh, help me to be free!”
And in his heart he knows that the desperate prayer has been granted. But in this new-born, curious mood of his he will not yield, but combats his own innermost conviction, being, in a strange, perverted way, even prouder of this Owen Saxham who has gone down of his own choice to the muddiest depths of moral and physical decadence, and come up of the strength of his own will from among the hideous things that hang suspended and drifting in the primeval sludge, than he ever was of the man before his fall. His is a combative nature, and the great blow he has sustained this day in the wreck and ruin of his raft of hope has left him quivering to the centre of his being with resentment that strikes back.
”Think again yourself. Ask yourself whether the Deity who creates, preserves, blesses, punishes, slays, and raises up, is the natural outcome of man's need of such a Being, or His own desire of Himself? And which conception is the greater--that the G.o.d in whom you Churchmen and the millions of lay-folk who recognise you as Divinely-appointed teachers believe, should have commanded, 'Let the universe exist,' and have been obeyed, or that the stupendous pigmy Man should have dared to say, 'Let there be G.o.d,' and so created Him?”
He laughs jarringly as he knocks the ashes out of the blackened pipe upon the corner of the window-ledge.
”Give credit to the human imagination and the human will for inventing a personage so useful to the Christian Churches as the Devil. For as in the beginning it was necessary for Man to build up Heaven and set his G.o.d therein, so, to throw His unimaginable purity and inconceivable perfection into yet more glorious relief, it was required that h.e.l.l should be delved out and the objective personality of Satan conceived and kennelled there, and given just sufficient power to pay the marplot where the Divine plans are concerned, and just enough malevolence to find amus.e.m.e.nt in the occupation. What should we do, where should we be, without our Satanic _souffre-douleur_--our horned scapegoat, our black puppet, without whose suggestions we should never have erred, whose wooden head we bang when things go wrong with us,” says Saxham bitterly. He reaches out a hand for the tobacco-pouch and his glance falls upon the day's issue of the _Siege Gazette_ lying on the parquet linoleum, where it has fallen from his hand a little while ago. He stoops and picks it up, and offers it to Julius.
”There's the announcement of an engagement here----” He smooths the crumpled sheet, holds it under the Chaplain's eye, and points to the two last paragraphs of the ”Social Jottings” column. ”Take it as an instance.... Did Heaven play the matchmaker here, or has h.e.l.l had a finger in the matrimonial pie? Or has the blind and crazy chance that governs this desolate world for me, tipped the balance in favour of one young rake, who may be saved and purified and renewed by such a marriage, while his elder in iniquity is doomed to be wrecked upon it, ruined by it, destroyed through it, d.a.m.ned socially and morally because of it ...”
The fierce words break from Saxham against his will. He resents the betrayal of his own confidence savagely, even as he utters them. But they are spoken, beyond recall. And the effect of the paragraph upon the Chaplain is remarkable. His meek, luminous brown eyes blaze with indignation. He is aflame, from the edge of his collar--a patent clerical guillotine of washable xylonite, purchased at a famous travellers'
emporium in the Strand--to the thin, silky rings of dark hair that are wearing from his high, pale temples. He says, and stutters angrily in saying:
”This is a lie--a monstrous misstatement which shall be withdrawn to-morrow!”
”How do you know that?”
The Chaplain crushes the _Siege Gazette_ into a ball, pitches it into a corner of the room, grabs his Field-Service cap and the cane he carries in lieu of the carbine or rifle without which the male laity of Gueldersdorp and a good many of the women do not stir abroad, and makes a stride for the door. He meets there Saxham, whose square face and powerful figure bar his flaming exit.
”It is enough that I do know it. Kindly allow me to pa.s.s.”
”What are you going to do?”
The Chaplain is plainly uncertain, as he wrestles with the clerical guillotine of washable xylonite, and stammers something about unwarrantable liberty and a lady's reputation! And Saxham recognises that Saxham is not the only sufferer from the festering smart of jealousy, and that the vivid red-and-white carnation-tinted beauty of the delicate face in its setting of red-brown hair has grievously disturbed, if it has not altogether dissipated, the pale young Anglican's views of the celibate life.
Agnostic and Churchman, denier and believer, have split on the same amatory rock. The knowledge breathes no sympathy in the Dop Doctor.
He observes the Chaplain's face, dispa.s.sionately and yet intently, as in the old Hospital days he might have studied the expression of a monkey or a guinea-pig, or other organism upon which he was experimenting with some new drug. And the Reverend Julius demands, with resentful acerbity:
”What are you staring at? Do you imagine that the colour of my cloth debars me from--from taking the part of a lady whose name has been dragged before the public? I shall call at the office where this rag is published, and insist upon a contradiction of this--this _canard_!”
”Don't you know who edits the rag?” asks Saxham raspingly. ”Do you suppose that any unauthorised announcement, or statement that has not been officially corroborated would be allowed to pa.s.s? The paragraph comes from an authoritative source, you may be sure!”
”I am in a position to disprove it, from whatever source it comes!” cried the Chaplain hotly. ”He shall contradict it himself, if there is necessity. He may be a prodigal and a rake--he bears that reputation--but at least he is not a liar and a scoundrel.”