Part 46 (1/2)
”In the first place, your world and mine are far apart--that girl you brought to the corrals made me see that clearer than ever before. I might, in time, adapt myself--I don't know. I'm not ignorant of the things one can learn from books, and I'm not dull, but it would be an experiment, and if it failed it might be like that experience at the Prouty House on a larger scale. I would humiliate you and make you ashamed.” Then, looking at him searchingly, she added: ”Tell me the truth, Hughie--haven't you thought something of this yourself?”
”I realize, of course,” he admitted candidly, ”that naturally there would be situations which would be difficult for you at first; but what of that? You'll learn. You are more than intelligent--you have brains, and your instincts are right from first to last. I tell you I love you, and nothing else counts. I'm so sure of the result that I'm willing to risk the experiment.”
Her eyes, fixed upon him, shone with pride, and there was a note of exultation in her voice as she cried:
”I hoped you would say that!”
He smiled back:
”You're tricky, Kate. You set traps for me. But,” impatiently, ”go on; if your other reasons are not more serious than this--”
She looked at him speculatively and doubtfully:
”I wonder, if I can make you see things from my point of view--if it's possible for you to understand how I feel. Our lives and experiences have been so different. I'm afraid I shall fail. It's just this--” an expression of grim purpose which he saw was not new to it settled upon her face--”I've set myself a goal; it's in sight now and I've got to reach it. If I stopped, I know that the feeling that I had been a quitter when a real temptation came to me would gnaw inside of me until I was restless and discontented, and I would have a contempt for myself that I don't believe ever would leave me.
”When people live alone a lot they get to know themselves--the way their minds work, their moods and the causes, their dispositions; and I know that whether my judgment is right or wrong I've got to follow the trail stretching away before me until I've reached my destination.”
”What is it you want to do, Kate? Why can't I help you?”
”I want success--money! It's the only weapon for a woman in my position.
Without it she's as helpless as though her hands were shackled and left a target for every one who chooses to throw a stone at her. It's an obsession with me. I've sworn to win out here, by myself, single-handed; it's a vow as sacred as an oath to me! It means time, patience, hards.h.i.+ps and more hards.h.i.+ps; and after this I'm going to suffer because you've shown me what I'm turning my back on. But no matter,” fiercely, ”I can crucify myself, if necessary!”
”It isn't yet clear to me why success means so much to you,” he said, bewildered.
”Because,” she cried, ”soon after you left I went through purgatory for that want of money, and because I was n.o.body--because I was 'Mormon Joe's Kate,' accused of murder, and the daughter of 'Jezebel of the Sand Coulee,' and have n.o.body for a father!”
”Why didn't you ask me to come when I telegraphed you!”
”I didn't dare--I was afraid to test you. If you, too, had failed me, it would have crushed me. Perhaps all this sounds absurd and melodramatic, but I can't help it.
”You know, everybody has some little quirk in his brain that makes him different--some trait that isn't quite normal. I've come to watch for it, and it's always there, even in the most commonplace people. It's the quirk which, when accentuated, makes religious fanatics, screaming suffragists and anarchists. My 'twist' takes the form of an uncontrollable desire to retaliate upon those who have deliberately, through sheer cruelty and without any personal reason for their animosity, gone out of their way to hurt me.”
That was it, then--she had been hurt--terribly!
Her eyes were like steel, her voice trembled with the intensity of the pa.s.sion that shook her as she continued:
”I hate them in Prouty! I can't conceive of any other feeling towards the town or its inhabitants. I don't suppose it will ever come in my way to pay in full the debt I owe them, but I can at least by my own efforts rise above them and force their grudging recognition!”
”I understand now,” Disston said slowly. ”But, Kate, is it worth the price you'll pay for it?”
”I'm used to paying well for everything, whether it's success or experience,” she replied bitterly. ”As I feel now, it's worth the sacrifice demanded, and I'm willing to make it.”
”It's like seeing a great musician concentrate his energies upon the banjo--he may dignify the instrument, but he belittles himself in doing it. Kate,” he pleaded, ”don't throw away any years of happiness! Don't hurt your own character for a handful of nonent.i.ties whose importance you exaggerate! I'm right, believe me.”
”I am as I am, and I have to learn all my lessons by experience.”
”It may be too late when you've learned this one,” he said sadly.