Part 17 (1/2)
'My letter having been delayed a few days, through amy eye over what I had written, I perceive (confounded by the force of your expressions) I have granted you too ether, so insane as I have been willing to allow
It is certain, that could I have attained the end proposed, my happiness had been encreased ”It is necessary for me to love and admire, or I sink into sadness” The behaviour of the ht to move, appeared to me too inconsistent to be the result of _indifference_ To be roused and sti hope, because obscurely seen--is no mark of weakness
Could I have subdued, what I, _then_, conceived to be the _prejudices_ of a worthy man, I could have increased both his happiness and my own I deeply reasoned, and philosophized, upon the subject Perseverance, with little ability, has effected wonders;--with perseverance, I felt, that, I had the power of uniting ability--confiding in that power, I was the dupe of my own reason No other man, perhaps, could have acted the part which this man has acted:--how, then, was I to take such a part into my calculations?
'Do not misconceive me--it is no miracle that I did not inspire affection On this subject, the mortification I have suffered has humbled me, it may be, even, unduly in my own eyes--but to the eive words Whatever e of slighted love!--Yet, I a lines of Pope--
”Unequal talk, a passion to resign, For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost, as ains its peaceful state, How often must it love, how often hate; How often hope, despair, resent, regret, Conceal, disdain, _do all things but forget_!”
'But to return I pursued, coood; and when, at tied, I have repeated to myself--What! after all these pains, shall I relinquish e of success?--To say nothing of the difficulty of forcing an active mind out of its trains--if I desisted, as to be the result? The sensations I now feel--apathy, stagnation, abhorred vacuity!
'You cannot resist the force of --you, who are acquainted with, who kno to paint, in colours true to nature, the human heart--you, who ade of an Alexander, even the fanatic fury of a Ravaillac--you, who honour the pernicious aetic, mind!--why should _you_ affect to be intolerant to a passion, though differing in nature, generated on the same principles, and by a parallel process The capacity of perception, or of receiving sensation, is (or generates) the power; into what channel that power shall be directed, depends not on ourselves Are we not the creatures of outward i? Are not passions and powers synonimous--or can the latter be produced without the lively interest that constitutes the for the one--and will not the other be extinguished? With the apostle, Paul, permit me to say--”I am not mad, but speak the words of truth and soberness”
'To what purpose did you read my confessions, but to trace in them a character formed, like every other human character, by the result of unavoidable impressions, and the chain of necessary events I feel, that u to deny their force, you will endeavour to deceive eitheron this subject at a dear rate--at the expence of inconceivable suffering Attempt not to deny rateful that I a reason?
'I perceive there is no cure for me--(apathy is, not the restoration to health, but, the y of the soul) but by a new train of impressions, of whatever nature, equally forcible with the past--You will tell me, It remains with myself whether I will predetermine to resist such impressions Is this true? Is it philosophical? Ask yourself What!--can _even you_ shrink from the consequences of your own principles?
'One wordin silence overthem as a ”sacred deposit”
Concealnant to my disposition--yet a thousand delicacies--a thousand nameless solicitudes, and apprehensions, sealed my lips!--He who inspired thehts!--my heart was unreservedly open before him--I covered my paper with its emotions, and transmitted it to him--like him hispered his secret into the earth, to relieve the burden of uncoht My secret was equally safe, and received in equal silence! Alas! he was not then ignorant of the effects it was likely to produce!
'EMMA'
Mr Francis continued his humane and friendly attentions; and, while he opposedtheled with his opposition a gentle and delicate consideration for rateful attach my mind into action, the sensations, which so heavily oppressed it,the course oftheir force His kindness soothed and flattered hts
CHAPTER XIII
The period which succeeded these events, though tedious in wearing away, marked by no vicissitude, has left little impression behind The tenor of nant lake, e breezes never sweep Sad, vacant, inactive--the faculties both of uid, enervated--radually succeeded by disease of body:--an inactivity, so contrary to all the habits of ht on a slow, rerees, from this attack, but reh convalescent, state A feeeks after er, and left me still more weakened and depressed A third tih less violent, was h, alar the apprehensions which she entertained Fro state of health, I received a pressing invitation to visit, once e of air, change of scene, and the cordial endearments of friendshi+p, a restoration for my debilitated frame, and a balm for my wounded mind
My relation, at this period, had letters fro her, that the ter her to join him there, and to come over in the next shi+p To this request she joyfully acceded; and, hearing that a packet was about to sail for Bengal, secured her passage, and began ier hesitated to comply with the entreaties ofaffection, which drew me to her, I had, at present, little other resource
After affectionately ee, thanking her for all her kindness, and leaving a letter of grateful acknowledge heart, and a wasted frame My cousin accompanied me to the inn, from whence the vehicle set out that was to convey me to Mrs Harley We parted in silence--a crowd of retrospective ideas of the past, and solicitudes respecting the future, occupied our thoughts--our sensations were too affecting for words
The carriage quitted London at the close of the evening, and travelled all night:--it was towards the end of the year At shot heaths 'The h broken clouds, and brightened their dark-brown sides' A loud Noveh the fern--There was a melancholy desolation in the scene, that was in unison with s, and which overwhelmed my spirits with a tide of tender recollections I recalled to ed in all the wild enthusiasm of my character
My fellow-travellers slept tranquilly, while e of the tender Eloisa--'Why,'
said I, 'am I indebted for life to his care, whose cruelty has rendered it insupportable? Inhuman, as he is, let hie pleasure of being an eye-witness to my sorrows!--But why do I rave thus?--He is not to be blauilty_--I, alone, am the author of my own er and resentment'[19]
[Footnote 19: Rousseau]
Weakened by heed to be lifted froe of my friend The servant led the way to the library--the door opened--Mrs Harley advanced, to receive rief, and the traces of sickness, were visible in her dear, affectionate, countenance I clasped ustus--beheld again the reseraven on ht the lively colours of the conant smile had vanished, and an expression of perplexity and sternness usurped its place I uttered a faint shriek, and fell lifeless into the arms of my friend It was some time before I returned to sense and recollection, when I found myself on the bed, in the little chamber which had formerly been appropriated tomy hand in her's, which she bathed with her tears 'Thank God!'