Chapter 1 (1/2)
Who the h.e.l.l in their right minds invented the Moon Festival?
In my opinion, it was more than enough having one day—New Year’s Eve—when you gather together under the name of ‘reunion’ and the elders corner and interrogate you about your life and future.
The Dragon Boat Festival is bearable. Occasionally, you could pa.s.s for a case of food poisoning after eating too many zongzi, but you can’t use this excuse too often since the Moon Festival is only less than half a year later. If not, they would say, ‘What a patriotic stomach you have—always knowing to act up during the major holidays. What are you, Lin Daiyu reincarnated?’
Thus, without fail, as it approached the end of August this year, the Gates of h.e.l.l hadn’t even closed shut when my old lady started calling me like the Grim Reaper trying to fill his quota on souls. Three times a day, once every meal, one after another—I don’t even think Yue Fei suffered as much as I did!
With no other choice, I agreed to attend the family party on August 15th (remember, this is the Lunar calendar). It’s just a dinner, I thought. I just had to chow down some rice porridge and flash a smile here and there. A couple of hours would past in the blink of an eye. No biggie.
As it turned out, I should have just slapped my innocent and naïve self unconscious.
When I arrived at the address of the restaurant my old lady gave me, the hostess led me to the reserved section for ‘The Family of Wu’ with a dazzling smile. The moment I stepped into the private room and saw the battlefield that lay before me, I thought to myself, s.h.i.+t. I so desperately wished that I was only a pa.s.serby who had gone into the wrong room.
With my old lady in the lead, my old man at the end, and a bunch of uncles and aunties in between, they hustled me over like the lion plucking the greens. After I got pushed into a chair, every second felt like a year underground.
Some small talk here, some season’s greeting there, roasted meat to my left and white wine to my right—my eyes started to lose focus and drift all over the place. Every grinning face that flickered past looked about the same. Actually, they were all relatives who had adored me since I was little and I was happy to see them—if only the same old topic didn’t get replayed from their wrinkly lips.
“Xie, you’re not young anymore.”
“I guess twenty-five isn’t young but it’s not exactly old either,” I remarked.
“Look at you, all handsome and successful.”
“I agree with the first part but not so much the second,” I noted.
“You haven’t even held a lady’s hand yet. Don’t you think that’s a little embarra.s.sing?”
Don’t think I won’t hit you just because you’re old!
As if asking a billion, ga-jillion questions would get me a wife and a kid. I ain’t as good as Lao Yang when it comes to materialization!
Anyways, just as I was feeling that my EQ was struggling to keep up, my phone started to ring in my s.h.i.+rt pocket. I flipped it open and checked out the caller ID—it was Uncle Three.