Part 37 (1/2)
”Yes, sir. The D'regs have some very strange notions about crazy people, sir.”
Vimes pulled out the battered book. The D'reg nearest to him, with a grin almost as wide and as curved as his sword, had a certain additional swagger that suggested chieftains.h.i.+p. A huge ancient crossbow was slung on his back.
”I say!” said Vimes. ”Could we just delay things a little?” He strode toward the man, who looked very surprised, and waved the book in the air. ”This is a book by General Tacticus, don't know if you've ever heard of him, quite a big name in these parts once, probably slaughtered your great-great-great-great-grandfather in fact, and I just want to take a moment to see what he has to say about this situation. You don't mind, do you?”
The man gave Vimes a puzzled look.
”This may take a moment, there's no index, but I think I saw something-”
The chieftain took a step backward and looked at the men next to him, who shrugged.
”I wonder if you could help me with this word here?” Vimes went on, reaching the man's side and holding the book under his nose. He got another puzzled grin.
What Vimes did next was known in Ankh-Morpork's alleyways as the Friendly Handshake, and consisted largely of driving his elbow into the man's stomach, then bringing his knee up to meet the man's chin on its way down, gritting his own teeth because of the pain in both knee and ankle, and then drawing his sword and holding it to the D'reg's throat before he could scramble up.
”Now, captain,” said Vimes, ”I'd like you to say in a loud clear voice that unless they back off a really long way, this gentleman here is going to be in some very serious legal trouble.”
”Mr. Vimes, I don't think-”
”Do it!”
The D'reg looked into his eyes while Carrot hawked his way through the demand. The man was still still grinning. grinning.
Vimes couldn't risk s.h.i.+fting his gaze, but he sensed some puzzlement and confusion among the tribesmen.
Then, as one man, they charged.
A Klatchian fis.h.i.+ng boat, whose captain knew which way the wind was blowing, made its way back to the harbor of Al-Khali. It seemed to the captain that, despite the favorable wind, he wasn't making quite the speed he should. He put it down to barnacles.
Vimes awoke with a noseful of camel. There are far worse awakenings, but not as many as you might think.
By turning his head, which took some effort, he ascertained that the camel was sitting down. By the sound of things, it was digesting something explosive.
Now, how had he got here...Oh, G.o.ds...
But it should should have worked...It was have worked...It was cla.s.sic cla.s.sic. You threatened to cut off the head and the body just folded up. That was how everyone reacted, wasn't it? That was practically how civilization worked...
Put it down to cultural differences, then.
On the other hand, he wasn't dead. According to Carrot, knowing the D'regs for five minutes and still being alive at the end of it meant that they really, really liked you.
On the other other other hand, he'd just given their head man a Handshake, which influenced people without making friends. other hand, he'd just given their head man a Handshake, which influenced people without making friends.
Well, no sense lying over this saddle bound hand and foot and dying of sunstroke all day. He ought to start being a leader of men again, and would do so just as soon as he could get this camel out of his mouth.
”Bingeley-bingeley beep?”
”Yes?” said Vimes, struggling with his bonds.
”Would you like to know about the appointments you missed?”
”No! I'm trying to get these d.a.m.n ropes untied!”
”Do you want me to put that on your To Do list?”
”Oh, you've woken up, sir.”
It sounded like Carrot's voice and it was the sort of thing he'd say. Vimes tried to turn his head.
What he saw was mainly a white sheet, but it then became Carrot's face, upside down.
”They asked if they should untie you but I said you hadn't been getting enough rest lately,” Carrot went on.
”Captain, my arms and legs have gone to sleep...” Vimes began.
”Oh, well done, sir! That's a start, at least.”
”Carrot?”
”Yes, sir?”
”I want you to listen very carefully to the order I am about to give you.”
”Certainly, sir.”
”The point I'm making is that it won't be a request or a suggestion or some sort of hint.”
”Understood, sir.”
”I have, as you know, always encouraged my officers to think for themselves and not blindly obey me, but sometimes in any organization it is necessary for instructions to be followed to the letter and with alacrity.”
”Right, sir.”
”Untie me right now or you'll b.l.o.o.d.y well live to regret untying me!”
”Er, sir, I believe there is an inadvertent inconsistency in-”
”Carrot!”
”Of course, sir.”
His ropes were cut. He slid down on to the sand. The camel turned its head, looked at him with its nostrils for a moment, and then looked away.
Vimes managed to sit upright while Carrot busied himself cutting the rest of his bonds.
”Captain, why are you wearing a white sheet?”