Part 4 (1/2)

Unusually for the docks, there was not a great deal of shouting and general conversation. People were too busy thinking about money.

Sergeant Colon and Corporal n.o.bbs leaned against a stack of timber and watched a man very carefully painting the name Pride of Ankh-Morpork Pride of Ankh-Morpork on the prow of a s.h.i.+p. At some point he'd realize that he'd left out the ”e,” and they were idly looking forward to this modest entertainment. on the prow of a s.h.i.+p. At some point he'd realize that he'd left out the ”e,” and they were idly looking forward to this modest entertainment.

”You ever been to sea, sarge?” said n.o.bby.

”Hah, not me!” said the sergeant. ”Don't go flogging the oggin, lad.”

”I don't,” said n.o.bby. ”I have never flogged any oggin. Never in my entire life have I flogged oggin.”

”Right.”

”I've always been very clean in that respect.”

”Except you don't know what flogging the oggin means, do you?”

”No, sarge.”

”It means going to sea. You can't b.l.o.o.d.y trust the sea. When I was a little lad I had this book about this little kid, he turned into a mermaid, sort of thing, and he lived down the bottom of the sea-”

”-the oggin-”

”Right, and it was all nice talking fishes and pink seash.e.l.ls and stuff, and then I went on my holidays to Quirm and I saw saw the sea, and I thought: here goes, and if our ma hadn't been quick on her feet I don't know what would have happened. I mean, the kid in the book could breathe under the sea, so how was I to know? It's all b.l.o.o.d.y the sea, and I thought: here goes, and if our ma hadn't been quick on her feet I don't know what would have happened. I mean, the kid in the book could breathe under the sea, so how was I to know? It's all b.l.o.o.d.y lies lies about the sea. It's just all yuk with lobsters in it.” about the sea. It's just all yuk with lobsters in it.”

”My mum's uncle was a sailor,” said n.o.bby. ”But after the big plague he got press-ganged. Bunch of farmers got him drunk, he woke up next morning tied to a plough.”

They lounged some more.

”Looks like we're going to be in a fight, sarge,” said n.o.bby, as the painter very carefully started on the final ”k.”

”Won't last long. Lot of cowards, the Klatchians,” said Colon. ”The moment they taste a bit of cold steel they're legging it away over the sand.”

Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands to Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In the Pub Told Me.

”Shouldn't be any trouble to sort out, then?” said n.o.bby.

”And o'course, they're not the same color as what we are,” said Colon. ”Well...as me, anyway,” he added, in view of the various hues of Corporal n.o.bbs. There was probably no one alive who was the same color as Corporal n.o.bbs.

”Constable Visit's pretty brown,” said n.o.bby. ”I never seen him run away. If there's a chance of giving someone a religious pamphlet ole Washpot's after them like a terrier.”

”Ah, but Omnians are more like us,” said Colon. ”Bit weird but, basic'ly, just the same as us underneath. No, the way you can tell a Klatchian is, you look an' see if he uses a lot of words beginning with 'al,' right? 'Cos that's a dead giveaway. They invented all the words starting with 'al.' That's how you can tell they're Klatchian. Like al-cohol, see?”

”They invented beer?”

”Yeah.”

”That's clever.”

”I wouldn't call it clever clever,” said Sergeant Colon, realizing too late that he'd made a tactical error. ”More, luck, I'd say.”

”What else did they do?”

”Well, there's...” Colon racked his brains. ”There's al-gebra. That's like sums with letters. For...for people whose brains aren't clever enough for numbers, see?”

”Is that a fact?”

”Right,” said Colon. ”In fact,” he went on, a little more a.s.sertively now he could see a way ahead, ”I heard this wizard down the University say that the Klatchians invented nothing. That was their great contribution to maffs, he said. I said 'What?' an' he said, they come up with zero.”

”Dun't sound that clever to me,” said n.o.bby. ”Anyone could invent nothing. I ain't invented anything.”

”My point exactly,” said Colon. ”I told him, it was people who invented numbers like four and, and-”

”-seven-”

”-right, who were the geniuses. Nothing Nothing didn't need inventing. It was just there. They probably just found it.” didn't need inventing. It was just there. They probably just found it.”

”It's having all that desert,” said n.o.bby.

”Right! Good point. Desert. Which, as everyone knows, is basically nothing. Nothing's a natural resource to them. It stands to reason. Whereas we're more civilized, see, and we got a lot more stuff around to count, so we invented numbers. It's like...well, they say say the Klatchians invented astronomy-” the Klatchians invented astronomy-”

”Al-tronomy,” said n.o.bby helpfully.

”No, no...no, n.o.bby, I reckon they'd discovered esses by then, probably nicked 'em off'f us...anyway, they were bound bound to invent astronomy, 'cos there's b.u.g.g.e.r all else for them to look at but the sky. Anyone can look at the stars and give 'em names. 's going it a bit to call it to invent astronomy, 'cos there's b.u.g.g.e.r all else for them to look at but the sky. Anyone can look at the stars and give 'em names. 's going it a bit to call it inventing inventing, in any case. We don't go around saying we've invented invented something just because we had a quick dekko at it.” something just because we had a quick dekko at it.”

”I heard where they've got a lot of odd G.o.ds,” said n.o.bby.

”Yeah, and and mad priests,” said Colon. ”Foaming at the mouth, half of 'em. Believe all kinds of loony things.” mad priests,” said Colon. ”Foaming at the mouth, half of 'em. Believe all kinds of loony things.”

They watched the painter in silence for a moment. Colon was dreading the question that came.

”So how exactly exactly are they different from ours, then?” said n.o.bby. ”I mean, some of are they different from ours, then?” said n.o.bby. ”I mean, some of our our priests are-” priests are-”

”I hope you ain't being unpatriotic unpatriotic,” said Colon severely.

”No, of course not. I was just asking. I can see where they'd be a lot worse than ours, being foreign and everything.”

”And of course they're all mad for fighting,” said Colon. ”Vicious b.u.g.g.e.rs with all those curvy swords of theirs.”

”You mean, like...they viciously attack you while cowardly running away after tasting cold steel?” said n.o.bby, who sometimes had a treacherously good memory for detail.

”You can't trust 'em, like I said. And they burp hugely after meals.”

”Well...so do you, sarge.”

”Yes, but I don't pretend it's polite polite, n.o.bby.”

”Well, it's certainly a good job there's you around to explain things, sarge,” said n.o.bby. ”It's amazing the stuff you know.”