Part 13 (1/2)

It took a brush with death for Justyna to realize her love for her son, and it took death itself to realize something else; life was fleeting and meaningless. Weeks after Pawe's murder, Justyna yearned to take Damian aside and clue him in so that when he headed out into life's open jaws, he would be equipped with a steely heart and a clear head. ”Your father died because nothing matters,” she wanted to tell him. But even though Justyna was sure that in the long run her son would thank her for the heads-up, she had a niggling suspicion that she'd be robbing him of something. So she let him believe that life was fair and perhaps Daddy was coming back.

On Christmas Eve morning Justyna and her sister wake up groggy but determined to rise to the occasion.

Babcia Kazia brings a small tree with her that afternoon, and when she walks through the door, dragging the choinka by a rope, the kids cling to her stockinged calves, yipping their dzikuje, and covering her knees in sloppy kisses, like their grandmother is wity Mikoaj himself. Justyna goes up to the attic, finds the small cardboard box labeled Bbki, and brings it downstairs.

Celina and Damian hang ornaments as Justyna and Elwira sit on the couch, watching them and smoking. Babcia Kazia keeps busy in the kitchen defrosting pierogi, red barszcz, and cabbage bigos and setting the table for Christmas Eve dinner. At three o'clock, Justyna comes to the table still dressed in her pink sweat pants and T-s.h.i.+rt. Babcia shares the opatek she brought with the kids and Elwira, but Justyna refuses to take part, and for once Babcia doesn't argue. Justyna eats a little of everything but doesn't comment on the food. When Babcia Kazia starts clearing the table Justyna tells her, ”Leave it. Just let them open their gifts.”

Celina receives two Barbies-a stewardess and a pet shop owner-and a pink tutu that is too expensive but worth the look of jaw-dropping happiness on Cela's face when she tears off the gift wrap. Damian gets a couple of Hot Wheels cars and a yellow digger. Elwira hands Justyna a Spice Girls CD and a bottle of cheap perfume. ”Sorry,” Justyna mouths to her sister, because she has nothing to give her.

When Justyna tucks Damian in later that night, he asks her if ”wiety Mikoaj didn't bring Ciocia Elwira anything because her boyfriend did something bad?” Justyna is blindsided by the question and scrambles for a diversion.

”You know what? Tomorrow we can go to Puchatek and you can pick something else out for yourself. I like what Mikoaj brought you, but honestly I think you're way too old now for that plastic digger. What the heck was he thinking, right?”

Damian frowns. ”Is it because he did something bad to Tata?” he asks again.

Justyna answers quickly, confidently. ”Listen, synu. Mikoaj didn't bring Ciocia anything because silly Ciocia forgot to write him a letter. He can't read minds, you know? Kinda s.h.i.+tty, right?” Justyna chuckles.

Damian stares at his mother, his big blue eyes fixated on her, and when he finally speaks it is one word, exhaled like a sigh. ”Oh.”

The next morning, Justyna waits in the kitchen for Elwira to come downstairs. Her sister is p.r.o.ne to six A.M. cravings for ham and b.u.t.ter sandwiches, and, like clockwork, Elwira shuffles into the kitchen, in a dirty bathrobe. When she sees Justyna, she gasps, clutching her chest. ”f.u.c.k me! Jesus, are you trying to give me a heart attack?” She walks over to the counter and grabs the rye bread.

”Did you tell Celina what Filip did?” Justyna speaks, quickly and to the point.

”No. Of course I didn't! What do you think, I'm crazy?”

”So how come my son knows something is up? How come my son thinks that a.s.swipe did 'something bad' to his father?”

”I have no f.u.c.king idea! What are you talking about?”

Justyna walks over to Elwira, s.n.a.t.c.hes the bread from her and throws it on the floor. ”Did you tell her?” Justyna's hands grab Elwira's chin and squeeze until Elwira starts to cry.

”I swear, Justyna, I would never tell any kid that, let alone my own. But Celina is sleeping in my room now, and I call friends at night when I can't sleep. I mean I'm quiet, and I make sure she's out, but who knows? Oh f.u.c.k, maybe she overheard something, maybe ...” Elwira's voice collapses into a whisper. ”Listen, Justyna, I can't do it like you. I have to talk, you know, it helps me process.”

”Process? What's there to process? Filip killed my husband. What can't you process? And he's still out there. It's been twenty-nine f.u.c.king days and-” Justyna stops talking, barrels over to the phone, and quickly dials a number.

”Tak, halo, may I please speak with Officer Kurka? You can tell him the widow Strawicz is calling. Yes, I'll hold, I'll hold, G.o.dd.a.m.nit.” She stares at Elwira, who is cowering by the fridge.

”Yes? I understand it's Boe Narodzenie today, I got it. How's your Christmas been, prosz pani? You wanna know how mine is? Pretty f.u.c.king dismal, what with my husband dead. No one over there gives a fine c.r.a.p about-Yes, I'll hold, but I know he's there and I have his mobile number so maybe I should just f.u.c.ki-” And that's when Justyna notices a large plastic bag on the floor, peeking out from the corner of the living room doorway. She drops the receiver to the table. Echoes of Halo? Halo? fade into the background as she makes her way toward the bag.

”What? What is it?” Elwira's voice whispers.

Justyna stops at the foot of the plastic bag and wills herself to peek around the bend. The door leads straight into the kitchen. Why hadn't she noticed it sooner? Her dog, Rambo, is lying motionless, a b.l.o.o.d.y shoelace round his neck, securing the plastic bag over his head. She stoops down, shaking. She wants to untie the bag but can't bring herself to do it.

”What the f.u.c.k is that?” Elwira starts creeping toward Justyna, who holds out her hand.

”Don't!” Justyna blurts out, and Elwira immediately shrinks back.

There are no locks on the windows in the house. The balcony doors on the second floor don't close all the way, and no one's bothered to repair them.

”Run upstairs and check on the kids. Right now.”

Elwira scrambles upstairs, crying. Silently, Justyna strokes Rambo's torso, her hands hold his paws. She knows she shouldn't touch the victim, shouldn't f.u.c.k with the fingerprints, but she can't help it because Rambo was her mother's dog and now he's gone, just like Teresa's gone, just like Pawe is. One by one, everyone is dropping like flies.

In a daze, she walks back to the kitchen, and she picks up the telephone. The line is dead so she redials the police station. ”Yes, halo. Tell Officer Kurka that the person who murdered my husband came back last night, while we were all sleeping-and that includes two kids, miss. Our dog has been butchered and left with a plastic bag tied around his neck. Tell Kurka that I will personally drive myself and my family to his house tonight, right now, and we will stay there, camped out on his f.u.c.king wersalka, until the police stop jacking off and start doing their job. Do you understand what I am saying? Have you been writing this down? I f.u.c.king hope so.”

Elwira comes running into the kitchen as soon as Justyna hangs up.

”They're fine. O Boe, Justyna. What is it?”

Elwira is sobbing, the fear in her eyes is astounding. Justyna lights a cigarette and points toward the dog.

”He was here. And he left us a gift.”

Elwira shuts her eyes and shakes her head. ”Let's call Tata. Please. We'll tell him he has to come back. I can't be here alone anymore. I'm scared.”

”Don't be pathetic, Elwira. It's embarra.s.sing.” Justyna stares at the remains of the dog. Someone will have to move him, bury him. It would be a job for Pawe, just the kind of thing he was good at, taking care of stuff that no one else wanted to do, like changing lightbulbs or cleaning up the trash bins.

”I want you to go upstairs and pack bags for Cela and Damian. I'm calling a cab, and you are taking them to Babcia's and you are not to leave there till I tell you to. Don't tell Babcia what happened, tell her we had a fight.”

”What about you?” Elwira asks.

”I'm staying.”

”No! Justyna, please, prosz ci! Oh my G.o.d, why would he come back? Do you think he knows I talked to the police?”

”He's f.u.c.king crazy. That's all.”

”But you don't come back to the scene of the crime unless you wanna get caught, right?”

”I don't f.u.c.king know, Elwira! Maybe he's trapped, or it's cold as f.u.c.k out there, or he just couldn't help himself, so he came back. I'm not a f.u.c.king criminal psychologist! Point is, he was here.”

”So, does that mean he'll come back again?”

”I don't know. But next time, I'll be ready for him.”

”Stop it! Who do you think you are, for f.u.c.k's sake, Kojak? He snuck in here during the night and killed our f.u.c.king dog. You're coming with us. We'll call the police and they can stake out this house and wait for him.”

”And what? They'll cuff him and haul him off in a van and we'll live happily ever after? The police give f.u.c.k all about what happened to Pawe, and what happened to our dog, and what is going to happen to you and me. You're scared and I don't blame you. I swear I don't blame you but I'm not scared.”

”Yes, you are. Don't f.u.c.king lie to me.”

”I'm not. I'm not scared. I'm not anything. There is nothing left in me, nothing left to even properly take care of my son. Do you understand that?” Justyna sits at the table and reaches for her pack of cigarettes. She offers Elwira one.

”So, what? You're gonna stay here and wait for him and have it out?” Elwira smokes the L&M, taking quick puffs one right after another.

”If I'm next, so be it. I don't care. But I want to look that psycho in the face, I want to-”