Part 27 (2/2)
”No, no, there's nothing on my mind.”
”Is it that dreadful dragon of a head teacher from Henderson Road School?” asked Sidney grimacing. ”She complains about all the inspectors so I shouldn't worry.”
”No, nothing like that.”
”The Ugglemattersby inspection?”
”No, no, that's all been done and dusted and the governors accepted the report and Mr. Sharpies is taking early retirement.”
”It'll be Mrs. Savage, then,” announced David almost gleefully. ”That Ice Maiden would put the wind up a banshee. She's been after me about those ridiculous coloured forms of hers. Has she been chasing you?”
”No, it's not Mrs. Savage.”
”Well, what is it?” both my colleagues asked in unison.
”I can't say. It's .. . it's ... I need to sort it out myself ”Now come along, Gervase!” exclaimed Sidney, turning his full attention on me. ”We are your friends as well as your colleagues. You can tell us whatever it is. I've been on the county's counselling course and was singled out for my ability to listen sympathetically, so if you want to confide in me, get things off your chest, I'm all ears. I've also done art therapy and a stress management weekend so I am well equipped to help.”
”Help!” snorted David. ”Well equipped to help! You forget, Sidney, that I was also on that disastrous counselling course and you were singled out, as I remember, for your complete inability to listen to other people and the total insensitivity of your advice. After contact with you, the people in your group were suicidal at the end. As I recall, your solution to whatever problem that arose was to look the person in the eye and tell them to pull themselves together, stop whinging and snap out of it. I well remember that poor tutor's words: ”With you, Mr. Clamp, a trouble shared is a trouble doubled.” And on the stress management weekend I heard that the tutor went down with severe depression herself, remarking that you did not so much suffer from stress, you were more of a carrier. She headed for her car a gibbering wreck.”
”I shall choose to ignore those slanderous comments, David, because my dear friend here is in need of some help and support. Now, Gervase, what is the matter? Tell, tell.”
”I'm in love!” I blurted out.
There was a stunned silence.
”In love?” repeated Sidney, after what seemed a long, long pause. ”Oh, that is serious. Is it someone we know?”
”Yes, of course it is!” I snapped, already regretting my confession.
”Is it a certain desirable doctor of philosophy, with alluring Irish eyes and a smile like a rainbow?”
”No, it's not Gerry. I hardly know her.”
”Is it a certain well-preserved, power-dressed widow with a predatory look and a smile like a shark?”
”Mrs. Savage? Do me a favour!”
3H.
”The femme fatale with the feather duster in the crackling nylon overall who inhabits the S D C ?”
”Sidney, will you be serious!”
”Then it must be the Nordic beauty, the blonde bombsh.e.l.l, the delectable Miss Bentley of Winnery Nook.”
”You know full well it is.”
”I don't see a problem, myself.”
”What did I say?” announced David shaking his head. ”All the sensitivity of a sledge hammer.”
”Well, I don't,” continued Sidney. ”He's been taking her out for the best part of two years.” He turned his attention back to me. ”I mean, it's hardly a whirlwind romance.”
”I've not been taking her out for the best part of two years,” I said. ”I only started seeing Christine last summer.”
”Well, you want to look sharpish. She's an extremely attractive young woman. Very marriageable. If you don't start pulling your finger out, being a bit more dynamic, proactive and determined, you'll be getting a ”Dear John” letter. She'll go back to that dreadful soldier and give you the old heave-ho!”
”Now, does that make you feel a lot better, Gervase?” asked David sarcastically. ”Has that wonderfully sympathetic advice helped you with your little problem? You know, Sidney, with such obvious sensitivity and understanding, you ought to work for the Samaritans.”
”I am only telling him to gird up his loins and go for it. I mean, look at him. He's like a sick calf, mooning about the office. I certainly do not relish a weekend in Oxford with him in this powerless state.”
”Well, that's what love does for you,” said David. ”I recall someone saying that love was like the measles that it is something we all have to go through. I know I did.”
”More like the mumps with me!” exclaimed Sidney. ”Incredibly painful and all the more so when you're older. You see, David, the problem with Gervase is'
”Excuse me, Sidney, would you mind not talking about me as if I'm not here?” I said.
”You see, your problem, Gervase, is what I was saying about the mumps. It's happening to you late in life so it's affecting you far worse.”
”Late in life!” I cried. ”I'm just over thirty, not in my dotage!”
”But as you get older, you get more picky, more difficult to please. My advice, if you really love Christine, is to face up to things, take the bull by the horns, grasp the nettle and be decisive. Stop s.h.i.+lly-shallying, ask her straight out to marry you.”
My stomach gave a great lurch at the very word 'marry'.
”And pull yourself together, stop whinging and snap out of it,” added David mimicking Sidney's voice. ”You see what I mean about Sidney's sensitive approach to a problem? As tactful as a charging elephant.”
”It's not as easy as that, Sidney,” I said sighing. ”She might not be ready for ... er ... marriage. She's so involved with her work in school. We've never discussed any future together and she might not feel the same way about me. She might not be the marrying sort. She's a very independent woman is Christine. I know she likes my company and we enjoy the same things but'
”Have you told her how lovely she is and that you can't stop thinking about her?” asked Sidney.
”No.”
”Have you told her that when she smiles the birds begin to sing and the sun begins to s.h.i.+ne?”
”No.”
”Have you told her that you can't live without her?”
”No.”
”Have you told her that you love her?”
”No.”
Sidney snorted. ”Then how, in heaven's name, is she to know how you feel? She might think that you are the one who isn't ready for marriage. She might think that you are too involved with your work to think about anything else. She might think that you don't feel the same way about her as she might think about you. She might think that you are not the marrying sort.”
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