Part 25 (1/2)

”We came to impress you with the need for this,” Esk said, knowing that the chances of impressing these monsters with anything they had to say was so small as to be worthless.

”Such mess, impress?” the ogre who had brought them demanded, and all of them laughed with a volume and crudity that only their kind could manage. -- ”Yes, impress,” Esk continued doggedly. ”For your help.”

The first ogre thought about that. His cranium heated with the effort, and the fleas got hotfeet and jumped off. Finally he exclaimed: ”Me say okay!”

The other ogres, glad to be relieved of the horrible effort of having to think for themselves, bellowed their agreement.

”Wonderful,” Latia said. ”Now all we have to do is impress them, and our case is won.”

”Maybe we can do that,” Bria said brightly. ”We each have our natures and our talents.”

”I'm not sure-” Esk began.

”For example, I can be very hard when I want to be. I'll show you.” She climbed out of the pack, which the ogre had set on the ground beside the pot. ”Eat me, ogre!” she cried. ”Chew me up!”

The ogre did not wait for a second invitation. He s.n.a.t.c.hed her up a moment before three other ham hands reached her, and jammed her feet in his maw. He chomped.

There was a pause. Then slow surprise spread across his puss from the region of his maw. For his teeth had crunched something much harder than bone.

He pulled Bria out and looked at her. She still looked edible. ”She sweet; me eat,” he concluded, and opened his maw wide and jammed in her head.

But the teeth crunched again on hard metal. Bria's head remained attached. ”Can't you do better than that, ogre?” she cried from the vicinity of his tongue.

Confused, the ogre hauled her out. Immediately another ogre grabbed her and chomped on an arm. It was a powerful chomp; the sound of it rang metallically, startling a pa.s.sing cloud so that it dropped a little water. A chip of yellow tooth flew out.

”Tough, she, me agree,” the ogre confessed.

”Do I impress you?” Bria demanded.

The ogres exchanged glances. They were stupid glances, and traveled very slowly, so this took some time. The surrounding trees tilted away, worried when ogres acted strangely. But eventually they all nodded agreement; they were impressed.

”So that's how it goes,” Latia said. ”Well, let's see what I can do.” She climbed out of the pack and addressed the ogres. ”Who is the ugliest among you?” she asked.

An ogress leaned forward. As she did so, all the nearby plants wilted ”Me be ugly, me say smugly!”

She certainly was ugly; Esk had never seen a more horrendous puss.

”I can be uglier than you,” Latia said.

All the ogres laughed at this, not even needing time for thought. It was obvious that n.o.body could be uglier than the ogress.

”Ugly is as ugly does,” Latia said stoutly. ”What can your ugly do?”

The ogress turned and lumbered into her hovel. A flock of bats flew out, looking stunned. She brought out a battered pitcher of milk. She grimaced at it-and the entire pitcher curdled.

Esk gaped. That was ugly indeed! He had thought the stories about that sort of thing were exaggerated.

Then Latia put her hands to her head. She had powder and chalk, and was using these to make up her face.

”What's she doing?” Bria asked.

”She's an actress,” Esk said. ”All curse fiends are good at drama. They can make themselves quite pretty-and I guess ugly, if they want to.”

Latia looked up. Her face, homely to begin with, had been transformed. Now it so ugly it was sickening. But the ogres just looked, undismayed; they were used to ugly.

Then Latia walked over to the big pot. ”Lift me up,” she said.

Curious, an ogre picked her up and held her over the pot. Latia aimed her face down, and scowled.

The water curdled.

Esk gaped. So did the ogres.

”Well?” Latia inquired, as the ogre set her down.

”We confess, we impress,” an ogre muttered, still staring at the pot. He poked a ham finger in. The water was definitely curdled, not frozen. It clarified in the region of his finger, finding this to be relatively pretty.

Esk remembered how his grandmother, a curse fiend, had emulated an ogress and won his grandfather's love. At last he had a notion how she had done it.

But now it was his turn. What could he do to match what the women had done? If he got mad, he could develop ogre strength for a short time -but that would only match the strength every normal ogre had, not exceed it. That would not impress them.

Then he realized what would. ”Who is stupidest?” he asked.

”Me!” the first ogre cried, forgetting to rhyme.

”Me, me!” another exclaimed, remembering.

There was a chorus of claims, for of course each was proud, and considered himself the stupidest creature of all time. But finally one emerged as dominant: the hugest and slackest-jawed of them all. He was so muscular that when he tried to think, the muscles bulged on his head, but so stupid that his effort to think couldn't even dislodge the fleas; his skull couldn't get hot enough.

”Well, I am stupider than you,” Esk a.s.serted. ”I'll prove it.”

Then he concentrated, and his terror of failure invoked his ogre strength. He marched across and wrapped his arms around the ogre's legs, and picked him up and swung him around, exerting all his ogre power, and cracked the ogre's head into a tree. The tree snapped off, but the ogre wasn't hurt, of course.

The ogre was, however, annoyed. Ogres didn't really like snapping tree trunks with their faces; they preferred ham fists. He s.n.a.t.c.hed up the fallen trunk and swung it toward Esk, ready to smash him down into the ground with a single blow.

Esk stood his ground. ”What could be stupider than doing what I did to an ogre like that?” he asked.

The ogres considered. Then, as the tree came down and Esk jumped aside, they started to laugh. The welkin shuddered with their haw-haws, making the sun vibrate and shed a few rays, and even the ogre Esk had attacked joined in. It was a good joke indeed. Nothing could be stupider than that!

”That was a dam fool thing to do!” Latia snapped.

”Totally idiotic!” Bria said.

”Precisely,” Esk agreed. ”It was the stupidest thing I could have done.”

They were silent, acceding to the sincerity of his claim.