Book 1 - Page 83 (1/2)
He backed up, as if he wanted to be as far away from me as he could get. ”I can't stay.”
It worried me that I felt a surge of relief at the thought of being alone. ”We agreed - no running.”
”That was before I attacked you!” he snapped, showing the first sign of spirit in over an hour.
”You were unconscious.”
”You're not going to be a victim ever again, Eva. My G.o.d...what I almost did to you...” He turned his back to me, his shoulders hunched in a way that scared me as much as the attack had.
”If you leave, we lose and our pasts win.” I saw my words. .h.i.t him like a blow. Every light in my room was on, as if electricity alone could banish all the shadows on our souls. ”If you give up now, I'm afraid it'll be easier for you to stay away and for me to let you. We'll be over, Gideon.”
”How can I stay? Why would you want me to?” Turning around, he looked at me with such longing it brought fresh tears to my eyes. ”I'd kill myself before I hurt you.”
Which was one of my fears. I had a difficult time picturing the Gideon I knew - the dominant, willful force of nature - taking his own life, but the Gideon standing before me was an entirely different person. And he was the child of a suicidal parent.
My fingers plucked at the hem of my T-s.h.i.+rt. ”You'd never hurt me.”
”You're afraid of me,” he said hoa.r.s.ely. ”I can see it on your face. I'm afraid of me. Afraid of sleeping with you and doing something that will destroy us both.”
He was right. I was afraid. Dread chilled my stomach.
Now I knew the explosive violence in him. The festering fury. And we were so impa.s.sioned with each other. I'd slapped his face at the garden party, las.h.i.+ng out physically when I never did that.
It was the nature of our relations.h.i.+p to be l.u.s.ty and emotional, earthy and raw. The trust that held us together also opened us up to each other in ways that made us both vulnerable and dangerous. And it would get worse before it got better.
He shoved a hand through his hair. ”Eva, I - ”
”I love you, Gideon.”
”G.o.d.” He looked at me with something that resembled disgust. Whether it was directed at me or himself, I didn't know. ”How can you say that?”
”Because it's the truth.”
”You just see this” - he gestured at himself with a wave of his hand. ”You're not seeing the f**ked-up, broken mess inside.”
I inhaled sharply. ”You can say that to me? When you know I'm f**ked up and broken, too?”
”Maybe you're wired to go for someone who's terrible for you,” he said bitterly.
”Stop it. I know you're hurting, but las.h.i.+ng out at me is only going to make you hurt worse.” I glanced at the clock and saw it was four in the morning. I walked toward him, needing to get past my fear of touching him and being touched by him.