Volume Iii Part 107 (1/2)
Will. Hopeless.
_Middle-Temple, October_ 26, 1714.
_SIR_,
'Tho' you have formerly made _Eloquence_ the Subject of one or more of your Papers, I do not remember that you ever consider'd it as possessed by a Set of People, who are so far from making _Quintilian's_ Rules their Practice, that, I dare say for them, they never heard of such an Author, and yet are no less Masters of it than _Tully_ or _Demosthenes_ among the Ancients, or whom you please amongst the Moderns. The Persons I am speaking of are our common Beggars about this Town; and that what I say is true, I appeal to any Man who has a Heart one Degree softer than a Stone. As for my part, who don't pretend to more Humanity than my Neighbours, I have oftentimes gone from my Chambers with Money in my Pocket, and returned to them not only Pennyless, but dest.i.tute of a Farthing, without bestowing of it any other way than on these seeming Objects of Pity.
In short, I have seen more Eloquence in a _Look_ from one of these despicable Creatures, than in the _Eye_ of the fairest _She_ I ever saw, yet no one is a greater Admirer of that s.e.x than my self. What I have to desire of you is, to lay down some Directions in order to guard against these powerful Orators, or else I know nothing to the contrary but I must my self be forced to leave the Profession of the Law, and endeavour to get the Qualifications necessary to that more profitable one of Begging. But in which soever of these two Capacities I s.h.i.+ne, I shall always desire to be your constant Reader, and ever will be'
_Your most humble Servant_,
J. B.
_SIR_,
'Upon Reading a _Spectator_ last Week, where Mrs. _f.a.n.n.y Fickle_ submitted the Choice of a Lover for Life to your decisive Determination, and imagining I might claim the Favour of your Advice in an Affair of the like, but much more difficult Nature, I called for Pen and Ink, in order to draw the Characters of Seven Humble Servants, whom I have equally encouraged for some time. But alas! while I was reflecting on the agreeable Subject, and contriving an advantageous Description of the dear Person I was most inclined to favour, I happened to look into my Gla.s.s. The sight of the Small-Pox, out of which I am just recovered, tormented me at once with the loss of my captivating Arts and my Captives. The Confusion I was in, on this unhappy, unseasonable Discovery, is inexpressible. Believe me, Sir, I was so taken up with the Thoughts of your fair Correspondent's Case, and so intent on my own Design, that I fancied myself as Triumphant in my Conquests as ever.
'Now, Sir, finding I was incapacitated to Amuse my self on that pleasing Subject, I resolved to apply my self to you, or your Casuistical Agent, for Advice in my present Circ.u.mstances. I am sensible the Tincture of my Skin, and the Regularity of my Features, which the Malice of my late Illness has altered, are irrecoverable; yet don't despair, but that Loss, by your a.s.sistance, may in some measure be reparable, if you'll please to propose a way for the Recovery of one only of my Fugitives.
'One of them is in a more particular Manner beholden to me than the rest; he for some private Reasons being desirous to be a Lover incognito, always addressed me with _Billet-Doux_, which I was so careful of in my Sickness, that I secured the Key of my Love-Magazine under my Head, and hearing a noise of opening a Lock in my Chamber, indangered my Life by getting out of Bed, to prevent, if it had been attempted, the Discovery of that Amour.
'I have formerly made use of all those Artifices, which our s.e.x daily practises over yours, to draw, as it were undesignedly, the eyes of a whole Congregation to my Pew; I have taken a Pride in the number of Admirers at my Afternoon Levee; but am now quite another Creature. I think, could I regain the attractive Influence I once had, if I had a Legion of Suitors, I should never be ambitious of Entertaining more than one. I have almost contracted an Antipathy to the trifling Discourses of Impertinent Lovers, though I must needs own, I have thought it very odd of late, to hear Gentlemen, instead of their usual Complacencies, fall into Disputes before me of Politicks, or else weary me with the tedious Repet.i.tion of how thankful I ought to be, and satisfied with my Recovery out of so dangerous a Distemper: This, though I am very sensible of the Blessing, yet I cannot but dislike, because such Advice from them rather seems to Insult than Comfort me, and reminds me too much of what I was; which melancholy Consideration I cannot yet perfectly surmount, but hope your Sentiments on this Head will make it supportable.
'To shew you what a Value I have for your Dictates, these are to certify the Persons concern'd, that unless one of them returns to his Colours, (if I may so call them now) before the Winter is over, I'll voluntarily confine my self to a Retirement, where I'll punish them all with my Needle. I'll be reveng'd on them by deciphering them on a Carpet, humbly begging Admittance, my self scornfully refusing it: If you disapprove of this, as favouring too much of Malice, be pleased to acquaint me with a Draught you like better, and it shall be faithfully performed'
_By the Unfortunate_
Monimia.
No. 614. Monday, November 1, 1712.
'Si mihi non animo fixum, immotumque sederet, Ne cui me vinclo vellem sociare jugali, Postquam primus amor deceptam morte fefellit; Si non pertaesum thalami, tedaeque fuisset: Huic uni forsan potui succ.u.mbere culpae.'
Virg.
The following Account hath been transmitted to me by the Love Casuist.
_Mr_. SPECTATOR,
'Having, in some former Papers, taken Care of the two States of Virginity and Marriage, and being willing that all People should be served in their Turn; I this Day drew out my Drawer of Widows, where I met with several Cases, to each whereof I have returned satisfactory Answers by the Post. The Cases are as follow: