Volume Iii Part 84 (1/2)
'I have a.s.sisted in several Sieges in the _Low-Countries_, and being still willing to employ my Talents, as a Soldier and Engineer, lay down this Morning at Seven a Clock before the Door of an obstinate Female, who had for some time refused me Admittance. I made a Lodgment in an outer Parlour about Twelve: The Enemy retired to her Bed-Chamber, yet I still pursued, and about two a-Clock this Afternoon she thought fit to Capitulate. Her Demands are indeed somewhat high, in Relation to the Settlement of her Fortune. But being in Possession of the House, I intend to insist upon _Carte-Blanche_, and am in hopes, by keeping off all other Pretenders for the s.p.a.ce of twenty four Hours, to starve her into a Compliance. I beg your speedy Advice, and am,
_SIR, Yours_, Peter Push.
From my Camp in _Red-Lion_ Square, Sat.u.r.day_ 4, in the Afternoon.
No. 567. Wednesday, July 14, 1714. Addison.
'--Inceptus clamor frustratur hiantes.'
Virg.
I have received private Advice from some of my Correspondents, that if I would give my Paper a general Run, I should take care to season it with Scandal. I have indeed observed of late, that few Writings sell which are not filled with great Names and ill.u.s.trious t.i.tles. The Reader generally casts his Eye upon a new Book, and if he finds several Letters separated from one another by a Dash, he buys it up, and peruses it with great Satisfaction. An _M_ and an _h_, a _T_ and an _r_ [1], with a short Line between them, has sold many an Insipid Pamphlet. Nay I have known a whole Edition go off by vertue of two or three well written &c--'s.
A sprinkling of the Words _Faction, Frenchman, Papist, Plunderer,_ and the like significant Terms, in an Italick Character, have also a very good Effect upon the Eye of the [Purchaser; [2]] not to mention _Scribler, Lier, Rogue, Rascal, Knave,_ and _Villain_, without which it is impossible to carry on a Modern Controversie.
Our Party-writers are so sensible of the secret Vertue of an Innuendo to recommend their Productions, that of late they never mention the Q--n or P--l at length, though they speak of them with Honour, and with that Deference which is due to them from every private Person. It gives a secret Satisfaction to a Peruser of these mysterious Works, that he is able to decipher them without help, and, by the Strength of his own natural Parts, to fill up a Blank-s.p.a.ce, or make out a Word that has only the first or last Letter to it.
Some of our Authors indeed, when they would be more Satyrical than ordinary, omit only the Vowels of a great Man's Name, and fall most unmercifully upon all the Consonants. This way of Writing was first of all introduced by _T-m Br-wn_, of facetious Memory, who, after having gutted a proper Name of all its intermediate Vowels, used to plant it in his Works, and make as free with it as he pleased, without any Danger of the Statute.
That I may imitate these celebrated Authors, and publish a Paper which shall be more taking than ordinary, I have here drawn up a very curious Libel, in which a Reader of Penetration will find a great deal of concealed Satyr, and if he be acquainted with the present Posture of Affairs, will easily discover the Meaning of it.
'If there are _four_ Persons in the Nation who endeavour to bring all things into Confusion, and ruin their native Country, I think every honest _Engl-shm-n_ ought to be upon his Guard. That there are such, every one will agree with me, who hears me name *** with his first Friend and Favourite ***, not to mention *** nor ***. These People may cry Ch-rch, Ch-rch, as long as they please, but, to make use of a homely Proverb, The Proof of the P-dd-ng is in the eating. This I am sure of, that if a _certain Prince_ should concur with a _certain Prelate_, (and we have Monsieur Z--n's Word for it) our Posterity would be in a sweet P-ckle. Must the _British_ Nation suffer forsooth, because my Lady _Q-p-t-s_ has been disobliged? Or is it reasonable that our _English_ Fleet, which used to be the Terror of the Ocean, should lie Windbound for the sake of a--. I love to speak out and declare my Mind clearly, when I am talking for the Good of my Country. I will not make my Court to an ill Man, tho' he were a B--y or a T--t. Nay, I would not stick to call so wretched a Politician, a Traitor, an Enemy to his Country, and a Bl-nd-rb-ss, &c., &c.
The remaining Part of this Political Treatise, which is written after the manner of the most celebrated Authors in _Great Britain_, I may communicate to the Publick at a more convenient Season. In the mean while I shall leave this with my curious Reader, as some ingenious Writers do their Enigmas, and if any sagacious Person can fairly unriddle it, I will print his Explanation, and, if he pleases, acquaint the World with his Name.
I hope this short Essay will convince my Readers, it is not for want of Abilities that I avoid State-tracts, and that if I would apply my Mind to it, I might in a little time be as great a Master of the Political Scratch as any the most eminent Writer of the Age. I shall only add, that in order to outs.h.i.+ne all this Modern Race of _Syncopists_, and thoroughly content my _English_ Readers, I intend shortly to publish a SPECTATOR, that shall not have a single Vowel in it.
[Footnote 1: For 'Marlborough' and 'Treasurer.']