Volume Iii Part 81 (1/2)
No. 561. Wednesday, June 30, 1714. Addison.
'--Paulatim abolere Sichaeum Incipit, et vivo tentat praevertere amore Jampridem resides animos desuetaque corda.'
Virg.
SIR,
'I am a tall, broad-shoulder'd, impudent, black Fellow, and, as I thought, every way qualified for a rich Widow: But, after having tried my Fortune for above three Years together, I have not been able to get one single Relict in the Mind. My first Attacks were generally successful, but always broke off as soon as they came to the Word _Settlement_. Though I have not improved my Fortune this way, I have my Experience, and have learnt several Secrets which may be of use to those unhappy Gentlemen, who are commonly distinguished by the Name of Widow-hunters, and who do not know that this Tribe of Women are, generally speaking, as much upon the Catch as themselves. I shall here communicate to you the Mysteries of a certain Female Cabal of this Order, who call themselves the _Widow-Club_. This Club consists of nine experienced Dames, who take their Places once a Week round a large oval Table.
I. Mrs. President is a Person who has disposed of six Husbands, and is now determined to take a seventh; being of Opinion that there is as much Vertue in the Touch of a seventh Husband as of a seventh Son. Her Comrades are as follow.
II. Mrs. _Snapp_, who has four Jointures, by four different Bed-fellows, of four different s.h.i.+res. She is at present upon the Point of Marriage with a _Middles.e.x_ Man, and is said to have an Ambition of extending her Possessions through all the Counties in _England_ on this Side the _Trent_.
III. Mrs. _Medlar_, who after two Husbands and a Gallant, is now wedded to an old Gentleman of Sixty. Upon her making her Report to the Club after a Weeks Cohabitation, she is still allowed to sit as a Widow, and accordingly takes her Place at the Board.
IV. The Widow _Quick_, married within a Fortnight after the Death of her last Husband. Her _Weeds_ have served her thrice, and are still as good as new.
V. Lady _Catherine Swallow_. She was a Widow at Eighteen, and has since buried a second Husband and two Coachmen.
VI. The Lady _Waddle_. She was married in the 15th Year of her Age to Sir _Simon Waddle_, Knight, aged Threescore and Twelve, by whom she had Twinns nine Months after his Decease. In the 55th Year of her Age she was married to _James Spindle_, Esq.; a Youth of One and Twenty, who did not out-live the Honey-Moon.
VII. _Deborah Conquest_. The Case of this Lady is something particular. She is the Relict of _Sir Sampson Conquest_, some time Justice of the _Quorum_. Sir _Sampson_ was seven Foot high, and two Foot in Breadth from the Tip of one Shoulder to the other. He had married three Wives, who all of them died in Child-bed. This terrified the whole s.e.x, who none of them durst venture on Sir _Sampson_. At length Mrs. _Deborah_ undertook him, and gave so good an Account of him, that in three Years time she very fairly laid him out, and measured his Length upon the Ground. This Exploit has gained her so great a Reputation in the Club, that they have added Sir _Sampson's_ three Victories to hers, and give her the Merit of a fourth Widowhood; and she takes her Place accordingly.
'VIII. The Widow _Wildfire_, Relict of Mr. _John Wildfire_, Fox-hunter, who broke his Neck over a six Bar Gate. She took his Death so much to Heart, that it was thought it would have put an End to her Life, had she not diverted her Sorrows by receiving the Addresses of a Gentleman in the Neighbourhood, who made Love to her in the second Month of her Widowhood. This Gentleman was discarded in a Fortnight for the sake of a young _Templar_, who had the Possession of her for six Weeks after, till he was beaten out by a broken Officer, who likewise gave up his Place to a Gentleman at Court. The Courtier was as short-liv'd a Favourite as his Predecessors, but had the Pleasure to see himself succeeded by a long Series of Lovers, who followed the Widow _Wildfire_ to the 37th Year of her Age, at which time there ensued a Cessation of ten Years, when _John Felt_, Haberdasher, took it in his Head to be in love with her, and it is thought will very suddenly carry her off.
'IX. The last is pretty Mrs. _Runnet_, who broke her first Husband's Heart before she was Sixteen, at which Time she was entred of the Club, but soon after left it, upon Account of a Second, whom she made so quick a Dispatch of, that she returned to her Seat in less than a Twelvemonth. This young Matron is looked upon as the most rising Member of the Society, and will probably be in the President's Chair before she dies.
'These Ladies, upon their first Inst.i.tution, resolved to give the Pictures of their deceased Husbands to the Club-Room, but two of them bringing in their Dead at full Length, they cover'd all the Walls; Upon which they came to a second Resolution, that every Matron should give her own Picture, and set it round with her Husbands in Miniature.
As they have most of them the Misfortune to be troubled with the Cholick, they have a n.o.ble Celler of Cordials and strong Waters. When they grow Maudlin, they are very apt to commemorate their former Partners with a Tear. But ask them which of their Husbands they Condole, they are not able to tell you, and discover plainly that they do not Weep so much for the Loss of a Husband, as for the want of One.
'The princ.i.p.al Rule, by which the whole Society are to govern themselves is this, To cry up the Pleasures of a single Life upon all Occasions, in order to deter the rest of their s.e.x from Marriage, and engross the whole Male World to themselves.
'They are obliged, when any one makes Love to a Member of the Society, to communicate his Name, at which Time the whole a.s.sembly sit upon his Reputation, Person, Fortune, and good Humour; and if they find him qualified for a Sister of the Club, they lay their Heads together how to make him sure. By this Means they are acquainted with all the Widow-hunters about Town, who often afford them great Diversion. There is an honest _Irish_ Gentleman, it seems, who knows nothing of this Society, but at different times has made Love to the whole Club.
Their Conversation often turns upon their former Husbands, and it is very diverting to hear them relate their several Arts and Stratagems, with which they amused the Jealous, pacified the Chokrick, or wheedled the Good-natured Man, till at last, to use the Club Phrase, _They sent him out of the House with his Heels foremost_.
The Politicks, which are most cultivated by this Society of She-_Machiavils_, relate chiefly to these two Points: How to treat a Lover, and How to manage a Husband. As for the first Set of Artifices, they are too numerous to come within the Compa.s.s of your Paper, and shall therefore be reserved for a Second Letter.