Part 15 (1/2)
”What are you saying?” cried Moritz, ”you, the author of 'Werther,' of that immortal work which has drunk the tears of the whole world, and has become the Holy Testament for unhappy souls!”
”Rather say for lovers,” replied Goethe, ”and add also those troubled spirits who think themselves poetical when they whine and howl; who cry over misfortune if Fate denies them the toy which their vanity, their ambition, or their amorousness, had chosen. Do not burden me with what I am not guilty of; do not say that wine is a poison, because it is not good for the sick. It is intended for well people; it animates and inspires them to fresh vigor. Now please to consider yourself well, and not ill.”
”I am ill, indeed I am ill,” sighed Moritz. ”Oh! continue to regard me with those eyes, which s.h.i.+ne like stars into my benighted soul. I feel like one who has long wandered through the desert, his feet burnt with the sand, his hair scorched with the sun, and, exhausted with hunger and thirst, feels death approaching. Suddenly he discovers a green oasis, and a being with outstretched arms calling to him with a soft, angel-like voice: 'Come, save thyself in my arms; feel that thou art not alone in the desert, for I am with thee, and will sustain thee!'”
”And I say it to you from the bottom of my heart,” said Goethe, affectionately. ”Yes, here is one, who is only too happy to aid you, who can sympathize with every sorrow, because he has himself felt it in his own breast, who may even say of himself, like Ovid: 'Nothing human is strange to me.' If I can aid you, say so, and I will willingly do it.”
”No, you cannot,” murmured Moritz.
”At least confide your grief to me; that is an alleviation.”
”Oh, how kind and generous you are!” Moritz said, pressing the hand of his new-made friend to his bosom. ”How much good it does me to listen to you, and look at your beautiful face! I believed myself steeled against every thing that could happen to mortals; that the fool which I would be had killed within me the higher man. I was almost proud to have succeeded in deceiving men; that they mistook my grotesque mask for my real face; that they point the finger at me, and laugh, saying to each other: 'That is a fool, an original, whom Nature herself has chosen as a kind of court fool to society.' No one has understood the cry of distress of my soul. Those who laughed at the comical fellow by day, little dreamed of the anguish and misery in which he sighed away the night.”
”You not only wrong yourself, but you wrong mankind,” said Goethe, kindly. ”In the world, and in literature, you bear an honored name; every one of education is familiar with your excellent work on 'Prosody of the German Language'--has read also your spirited Journey to England.
You have no right to ask that one should separate the kernel from the sh.e.l.l in hastily pa.s.sing by. If you surround yourself with a wall bedaubed with caricatures, you cannot expect that people will look behind what seems an entrance to a puppet-show, to find holy temples, blooming gardens, or a church-yard filled with graves.”
”That is just what I resemble,” said Moritz, with a melancholy air.
”From the depths of my soul it seems so. Nothing but buried hopes, murdered ideals, and wishes trodden under foot. From childhood I have exerted myself against circ.u.mstances; I have striven my whole life--a pledge of my being against unpropitious Fate. Although the son of a poor tradesman, Nature had given me a thirst for knowledge, a love for science and art. On account of it I pa.s.sed for a stupid idler in the family, who would not contribute to his own support. Occupation with books was accounted idleness and laziness by my father. I was driven to work with blows and ill-treatment; and, that I might the sooner equal my father as a good shoemaker, I was bound to the stool near his own.
During the long, fearful days I was forced to sit and draw the pitched, offensive thread through the leather, and when my arms were lame, and sank weary at my side, then I was invigorated to renewed exertion with blows. Finally, with the courage of despair, I fled from this life of torture. Unacquainted with the world, and inexperienced, I hoped for the sympathy of men, but in vain. No one would relieve or a.s.sist me! Days and weeks long I have wandered around in the forest adjoining our little village, and lived like the animals, upon roots and herbs. Yet I was happy! I had taken with me in my flight two books which I had received as prizes, in the happy days that my father permitted me to go to the Latin school. The decision of the teacher that I was created for a scholar, so terrified my father, that he took me from the school, to turn the embryo savant, who would be good for nothing, into a shoemaker, who might earn his bread. My two darling books remained to me. In the forest solitude I read Ovid and Virgil until I had memorized them, and recited them aloud, in pathetic tones, for my own amus.e.m.e.nt. To-day I recall those weeks in the forest stillness as the happiest, purest, and most beautiful of my life.”
”And they undoubtedly are,” said Goethe, kindly. ”The return to Nature is the return to one's self. Who will be an able, vigorous man and remain so, must, above all things, live in and with Nature.”
”But oh! this happy life did not long continue,” sighed Moritz. ”My father discovered my retreat, and came with sheriffs and bailiffs to seize me like a criminal--like a wild animal. With my hands bound, I was brought back in broad day, amid the jeers of street boys. Permit me to pa.s.s in silence the degradation, the torture which followed. I became a burden to myself, and longed for death. The ill-treatment of my father finally revived my courage to run away the second time. I went to a large town near by, and decided to earn my living rather than return to my father. To fulfil the prophecy of my teacher was my ambition. The privations that I endured, the life I led, I will not recount to you.
I performed the most menial service, and worked months like a beast of burden. For want of a shelter, I slept in deserted yards and tumble-down houses. Upon a piece of bread and a drink of water I lived, saving, with miserly greediness, the money which I earned as messenger or day-laborer. At the end of a year, I had earned sufficient to buy an old suit of clothes at a second-hand clothing-store, and present myself to the director of the Gymnasium, imploring him to receive me as pupil.
Bitterly weeping, I opened my heart to him, and disclosed the torture of my sad life as a child, and begged him to give me the opportunity to educate myself. He repulsed me with scorn, and threatened to give me over to the police, as a runaway, as a vagabond, and beggar. 'I am no beggar!' I cried, vehemently, 'I will be under obligation to no one. I have money to pay for two years in advance, and during this time I shall be able to earn sufficient to pay for the succeeding two years.' This softened the anger of the crabbed director; he was friendly and kind, and promised me his a.s.sistance.”
”Poor boy!” sighed Goethe. ”So young, and yet forced to learn that there is a power to which not only kings and princes, but mind must bow; to which science and art have submitted, as to their Maecenas! This power opened the doors of the Gymnasium to you.”
”It was even thus. The director took pity upon me, and permitted me to enter upon my studies at once; he did more, he a.s.sured my future. Oh, he was a humane and kind man! When he learned that I possessed nothing but the little sum to which the drops of blood of a year's toil still clung, then--”
”He returned it to you,” interrupted Goethe, kindly.
”No, he offered me board, lodging, and clothing, during my course at the Gymnasium.”
”That was well,” cried Goethe. ”Tell me the name of this honorable man, that I may meet him and extend to him my hand.”
A troubled smile spread over Philip's face. ”Permit me for the time being to conceal the name,” he replied. ”I received the generous proposal gratefully, and asked, deeply moved, if there were no services which I could return for so much kindness and generosity. It proved that there were, and the director made them known to me. He was unmarried, hence the necessity of men's service. I should be society for him--be a companion, in fact; I should do what every grateful son would do for his father--help him dress, keep his room in order, and prepare his breakfast.”
”That meant that you should be his servant!” cried Goethe, indignant.
”Only in the morning,” replied Moritz, smiling. ”Evenings and nights I should have the honor to be his amanuensis; I should look over the studies of the scholars, and correct their exercises; and when I had made sufficient progress, it should be my duty to give two hours to different cla.s.ses, and I should read aloud or play cards with the director on leisure evenings. Besides, I was obliged to promise never to leave the house without his permission; never to speak to, or hold intercourse with, any one outside the hours of instruction. All these conditions were written down, and signed by both parties, as if a business contract.”
”A transaction by which a human soul was bargained for!” thundered Goethe. ”Reveal to me, now, the name of this trader of souls, that I may expose him to public shame!”
”He died a year since,” replied Moritz, softened. ”G.o.d summoned him to judgment. When the physician announced to him that the cancer was incurable, when he felt death approaching, he sent for me, and begged my forgiveness, with tears and deep contrition. I forgave him, so let me cease to recall the life I pa.s.sed with him. By the sweat of my brow I was compelled to serve him; for seven long years I was his slave. I sold myself for the sake of knowledge, I was consoled by progress. I was the servant, companion, jester, and slave of my tyrant, but I was also the disciple, the priest of learning. In my own room my chains fell off. In the lonely night-watches I communed with the great, the immortal spirits of Horace, Virgil, and even the proud Caesar, and the divine Homer.
Those solitary but happy hours of the night are never to be forgotten, never to be portrayed; they refreshed me for the trials of the day, and enabled me to endure them! At the close of seven years I was prepared to enter the university, and the bargain between my master and myself was also at an end. Freed from my tyrant, I bent my steps toward Frankfort University, to feel my liberty enchained anew. For seven years I had been the slave of the director; now I became the slave of poverty, forced to labor to live! Oh, I cannot recall those scenes! Suffice it to say, that during one year I had no fixed abode, never tasted warm food. But it is pa.s.sed--I have conquered! After years of struggle, of exertion, of silent misery, only relieved by my stolen hours of blissful study, I gained my reward. I was free! My examination pa.s.sed, I was honored with the degrees of Doctor of Philosophy and Master of Arts.
After many intervening events, I was appointed conrector of the college attached to the Gray Monastery, which position now supports me.”
”G.o.d be praised, I breathe freely!” answered Goethe, with one of those sunny smiles which, in a moment of joyful excitement, lighted up his face. ”I feel like one s.h.i.+pwrecked, who has, at last, reached a safe harbor. I rejoice in your rescue as if it were my own. Now you are safe. You have reached the port, and in the quiet happiness of your own library you will win new laurels. Why, then, still dispirited and unhappy? The past, with its sorrows and humiliations, is forgotten, the present is satisfactory, and the future is full of hope for you.”