Volume VIII Part 2 (1/2)
I am sure she would not have turned me over for an answer to a letter written with so contrite and fervent a spirit, as was mine to her, to a masculine spirit, had she been left to herself.
But, my dear Mrs. Norton, might not, think you, the revered lady have favoured me with one private line?----If not, might not you have written by her order, or connivance, one softening, one motherly line, when she saw her poor girl, whom once she dearly loved, borne so hard upon?
O no, she might not!--because her heart, to be sure, is in their measures! and if she think them right, perhaps they must be right!--at least, knowing only what they know, they must!--and yet they might know all, if they would!--and possibly, in their own good time, they think to make proper inquiry.--My application was made to them but lately.--Yet how deeply will it afflict them, if their time should be out of time!
When you have before you the letters I have sent to Miss Howe, you will see that Lord M. and the Ladies of his family, jealous as they are of the honour of their house, (to express myself in their language,) think better of me than my own relations do. You will see an instance of their generosity to me, which at the time extremely affected me, and indeed still affects me. Unhappy man! gay, inconsiderate, and cruel! what has been his gain by making unhappy a creature who hoped to make him happy!
and who was determined to deserve the love of all to whom he is related!
--Poor man!--but you will mistake a compa.s.sionate and placable nature for love!--he took care, great care, that I should rein-in betimes any pa.s.sion that I might have had for him, had he known how to be but commonly grateful or generous!--But the Almighty knows what is best for his poor creatures.
Some of the letters in the same packet will also let you into the knowledge of a strange step which I have taken, (strange you will think it); and, at the same time, give you my reasons for taking it.*
* She means that of making Mr. Belford her executor.
It must be expected, that situations uncommonly difficult will make necessary some extraordinary steps, which, but for those situations, would be hardly excusable. It will be very happy indeed, and somewhat wonderful, if all the measures I have been driven to take should be right. A pure intention, void of all undutiful resentment, is what must be my consolation, whatever others may think of those measures, when they come to know them: which, however, will hardly be till it is out of my power to justify them, or to answer for myself.
I am glad to hear of my cousin Morden's safe arrival. I should wish to see him methinks: but I am afraid that he will sail with the stream; as it must be expected, that he will hear what they have to say first.--But what I most fear is, that he will take upon himself to avenge me. Rather than he should do so, I would have him look upon me as a creature utterly unworthy of his concern; at least of his vindictive concern.
How soothing to the wounded heart of your Clarissa, how balmy are the a.s.surances of your continued love and favour;--love me, my dear mamma Norton, continue to love me, to the end!--I now think that I may, without presumption, promise to deserve your love to the end. And, when I am gone, cherish my memory in your worthy heart; for in so doing you will cherish the memory of one who loves and honours you more than she can express.
But when I am no more, I charge you, as soon as you can, the smarting pangs of grief that will attend a recent loss; and let all be early turned into that sweetly melancholy regard to MEMORY, which, engaging us to forget all faults, and to remember nothing but what was thought amiable, gives more pleasure than pain to survivors--especially if they can comfort themselves with the humble hope, that the Divine mercy has taken the dear departed to itself.
And what is the s.p.a.ce of time to look backward upon, between an early departure and the longest survivance!--and what the consolation attending the sweet hope of meeting again, never more to be separated, never more to be pained, grieved, or aspersed;--but mutually blessing, and being blessed, to all eternity!
In the contemplation of this happy state, in which I hope, in G.o.d's good time, to rejoice with you, my beloved Mrs. Norton, and also with my dear relations, all reconciled to, and blessing the child against whom they are now so much incensed, I conclude myself
Your ever dutiful and affectionate CLARISSA HARLOWE.
LETTER VII
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.
SUNDAY, AUG. 13.
I don't know what a devil ails me; but I never was so much indisposed in my life. At first, I thought some of my blessed relations here had got a dose administered to me, in order to get the whole house to themselves.
But, as I am the hopes of the family, I believe they would not be so wicked.
I must lay down my pen. I cannot write with any spirit at all. What a plague can be the matter with me!