Volume III Part 34 (1/2)
When some folks find their anger has made them considerable, they will be always angry, or seeking occasions for anger.
Why, now, Mr. Hickman--why, now, Nancy, [as I was huddling in the packet between my gown and my stays, at her entrance.] You have a letter brought you this instant.--While the modest man, with his pausing brayings, Mad-da--Mad-dam, looked as if he knew not whether to fight it out, or to stand his ground, and see fair play.
It would have been poor to tell a lie for it. She flung away. I went out at the opposite door, to read the contents; leaving Mr. Hickman to exercise his white teeth upon his thumb-nails.
When I had read your letters, I went to find out my mother. I told her the generous contents, and that you desired that the prohibition might be adhered to. I proposed your condition, as for myself; and was rejected, as above.
She supposed, she was finely painted between two 'young creatures, who had more wit than prudence:' and instead of being prevailed upon by the generosity of your sentiments, made use of your opinion only to confirm her own, and renewed her prohibitions, charging me to return no other answer, but that she did renew them: adding, that they should stand, till your relations were reconciled to you; hinting as if she had engaged for as much: and expected my compliance.
I thought of your reprehensions, and was meek, though not pleased. And let me tell you, my dear, that as long as I can satisfy my own mind, that good is intended, and that it is hardly possible that evil should ensue from our correspondence--as long as I know that this prohibition proceeds originally from the same spiteful minds which have been the occasion of all these mischiefs--as long as I know that it is not your fault if your relations are not reconciled to you, and that upon conditions which no reasonable people would refuse--you must give me leave, with all deference to your judgment, and to your excellent lessons, (which would reach almost every case of this kind but the present,) to insist upon your writing to me, and that minutely, as if this prohibition had not been laid.
It is not from humour, from perverseness, that I insist upon this. I cannot express how much my heart is in your concerns. And you must, in short, allow me to think, that if I can do you service by writing, I shall be better justified in continuing to write, than my mother is in her prohibition.
But yet, to satisfy you all I can, I will as seldom return answers, while the interdict lasts, as may be consistent with my notions of friends.h.i.+p, and with the service I owe you, and can do you.
As to your expedient of writing by Hickman [and now, my dear, your modest man comes in: and as you love modesty in that s.e.x, I will do my endeavour, by holding him at a proper distance, to keep him in your favour] I know what you mean by it, my sweet friend. It is to make that man significant with me. As to the correspondence, THAT shall go on, I do a.s.sure you, be as scrupulous as you please--so that that will not suffer if I do not close with your proposal as to him.
I must tell you, that I think it will be honour enough for him to have his name made use of so frequently betwixt us. This, of itself, is placing a confidence in him, that will make him walk bolt upright, and display his white hand, and his fine diamond ring; and most mightily lay down his services, and his pride to oblige, and his diligence, and his fidelity, and his contrivances to keep our secret, and his excuses, and his evasions to my mother, when challenged by her; with fifty ana's beside: and will it not moreover give him pretence and excuse oftener than ever to pad-nag it hither to good Mrs. Howe's fair daughter?
But to admit him into my company tete-a-tete, and into my closet, as often as I would wish to write to you, I only dictate to his pen--my mother all the time supposing that I was going to be heartily in love with him--to make him master of my sentiments, and of my heart, as I may say, when I write to you--indeed, my dear, I won't. Nor, were I married to the best HE in England, would I honour him with the communication of my correspondences.
No, my dear, it is sufficient, surely, for him to parade in the character of our letter-conveyor, and to be honoured in a cover, and never fear but, modest as you think him, he will make enough of that.
You are always blaming me for want of generosity to this man, and for abuse of power. But I profess, my dear, I cannot tell how to help it.
Do, dear, now, let me spread my plumes a little, and now-and-then make myself feared. This is my time, you know, since it would be no more to my credit than to his, to give myself those airs when I am married. He has a joy when I am pleased with him that he would not know, but for the pain my displeasure gives him.
Men, no more than women, know how to make a moderate use of power. Is not that seen every day, from the prince to the peasant? If I do not make Hickman quake now-and-then, he will endeavour to make me fear. All the animals in the creation are more or less in a state of hostility with each other. The wolf, that runs away from a lion, will devour a lamb the next moment. I remember, that I was once so enraged at a game chicken that was continually pecking at another (a poor humble one, as I thought him) that I had the offender caught, and without more ado, in a pet of humanity, wrung his neck off. What followed this execution? Why that other grew insolent, as soon as his insulter was gone, and was continually pecking at one or two under him. Peck and be hanged, said I,--I might as well have preserved the first, for I see it is the nature of the beast.
Excuse my flippancies. I wish I were with you. I would make you smile in the midst of your gravest airs, as I used to do. O that you had accepted of my offer to attend you! but nothing that I offer will you accept----Take care!--You will make me very angry with you: and when I am, you know I value n.o.body: for, dearly as I love you, I must be, and cannot always help it,
Your saucy ANNA HOWE.
LETTER XLV
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE FRIDAY, APRIL 22.
Mr. Lovelace communicated to me this morning early, from his intelligencer, the news of my brother's scheme. I like him the better for making very light of it, and for his treating it with contempt. And indeed, had I not had the hint of it from you, I should have suspected it to be some contrivance of his, in order to hasten me to town, where he has long wished to be himself.
He read me the pa.s.sage in that Leman's letter, which is pretty much to the effect of what you wrote to me from Miss Lloyd; with this addition, that one Singleton, a master of a Scots vessel, is the man who is to be the princ.i.p.al in this act of violence.
I have seen him. He had been twice entertained at Harlowe-place, as my brother's friend. He has the air of a very bold and fearless man, and I fancy it must be his project; as my brother, I suppose, talks to every body of the rash step I have taken, for he did not spare me before he had this seeming reason to censure me.
This Singleton lives at Leith; so, perhaps, I am to be carried to my brother's house not far from that port.
Putting these pa.s.sages together, I am not a little apprehensive that the design, lightly as Mr. Lovelace, from his fearless temper, treats it, may be attempted to be carried into execution; and of the consequences that may attend it, if it be.
I asked Mr. Lovelace, seeing him so frank and cool, what he would advise me to do.